How your pumpkin is causing climate change

Jack-o’-lanterns are a significant cause of global warming.

Wait what?

Well, according to a blog post on the U.S. Department of Energy website, pumpkins along with other municipal solid waste, decompose into methane – “a harmful greenhouse gas that plays a part in climate change, with more than 20 times the warming effect of carbon dioxide.”

So they must cause global warming, right? Glenn reacted to the story on radio Friday.

Pointing out this came from a government website, Glenn said, “Think of how many man-hours were put into this idea.”

He also said what he’d say if he was President of the United States.

“Take your crap and get out,” Glenn said. “All the dumb ideas and dumb people in your department that have been encouraging you with this stuff.”

Listen or read the transcript below for more.

Below is a rush transcript of this segment, it might contain errors.

GLENN: And, you know, it is also Halloween weekend. And I’m very concerned that I found out just recently that now jack-o’-lanterns are a significant cause of global warming.

PAT: Yeah.

STU: Oh, no.

GLENN: Yeah, no, it’s true. No, it’s not true. But it’s true they’re saying that now.

STU: So it’s not true in reality?

GLENN: Not true in any way, shape, or form. Sure, it’s not true.

PAT: What do you mean? More than 1.3 billion pounds of pumpkins produced end up in the trash, according to the Energy Department’s website, becoming part of the more than 254 million tons of municipal solid waste produced in the US every year.

GLENN: Holy cow. What happens to those pumpkins when they’re just left to rot in the fields or someplace else?

PAT: Well, you just don’t grow them. Stop growing pumpkins.

GLENN: So were pumpkins invented by the Halloween industry. Big Halloween?

PAT: Yes.

GLENN: I didn’t know that.

PAT: Around the same time the SUV came around.

GLENN: Really? I hear the SUV was invented to take the pumpkins home.

PAT: Yes, it was.

GLENN: Right. There was no room for the family and the pumpkins. And they were like, “What are we going to do?” So they started making the SUV.

STU: And coal.

GLENN: How —

STU: Coal is actually — coal was only utilized initially because there weren’t enough pumpkins. If there were enough pumpkins, they would have never needed coal.

GLENN: Well, because they didn’t need to heat anything because the pumpkins were all there destroying the earth.

STU: Right. Because it was so hot back then. Is that what they’re really saying right now?

PAT: Yeah, all this methane — it decomposes into methane, right, which is a harmful greenhouse gas that plays a part in climate change. More than 20 times the warming effect of carbon dioxide. Twenty times.

GLENN: And we’ve been concentrating on people when it’s been pumpkins the whole time.

PAT: Pumpkins and cattle.

GLENN: My gosh.

STU: So what are they suggesting we do? Are they saying don’t have pumpkins for holidays?

GLENN: Eradicate the pumpkin. When God made the pumpkin, he didn’t put all of this and take all of this into account. The pumpkin is something entirely nonnatural. It’s 100 percent manmade. You know that.

STU: I will say some of those gourds looks like aliens. Have you ever noticed that?

GLENN: Right. They’re made by big Halloween.

PAT: What they’re suggesting is more biorefineries so we can turn the pumpkins into energy.

GLENN: Oh.

STU: How many times have we said it?

GLENN: You know, with all the things going on in today’s world, this is the one I would focus on.

PAT: Right? Because this is the key to national security for one thing.

GLENN: We already know. Listen, listen, that people are the main cause of global warming.

PAT: Yes, it’s not the sun.

GLENN: Right.

PAT: The sun has nothing to do with warming on this planet.

GLENN: Correct. The climate doesn’t always change.

PAT: No. It’s never changed before, until now.

GLENN: Exactly right. So we know it’s people. Now, go with me on this thinking. We also know that it’s pumpkins. Now I’ll try to say that again with a straight face. We now know that scientists are telling us that global warming is caused by the heavy metal plastic that is in the pumpkin.

STU: Uh-huh.

GLENN: So what do they say? They say, we need to make a biofuel plant that we’ll throw all the pumpkins in, right?

STU: More biofuels.

GLENN: More biofuels. We’ll heat houses out of the pumpkins because the pumpkins are causing global warming.

Hear me out now.

PAT: Uh-huh.

GLENN: We already know that people are the cause of global warming as well.

STU: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

GLENN: Should we not apologize to Planned Parenthood for making biofuel out of babies?

STU: That is brilliant. You’re right.

GLENN: Thank you.

STU: You’re right. That’s the answer.

GLENN: It is the answer.

STU: The only thing we’ve been doing wrong so far is we’re typically using —

GLENN: Garbage disposals and things like that to get rid of the baby.

STU: It’s not about killing the babies. There’s nothing wrong with that. But you’re getting rid of them, don’t put them in the garbage disposal. Burn them for fuel.

PAT: May I go further?

STU: Oh, please do.

GLENN: So you know in case you’re turning in and you think we’re being sarcastic, everything we just told you about the pumpkins is real, and the biofuel out of babies is also real. But go ahead.

PAT: Yeah. But what I’m now proposing is that we make biofuel out of people.

Featured Image: Children enjoy traditional candle-lit Halloween pumpkins on October 31, 2007 in London. (Photo by Peter Macdiarmid/Getty Images)