Steven Crowder, comedian and founder of LouderWithCrowder.com, brought a little levity to The Glenn Beck Program on Thursday. While Glenn apologized for his choice words about John Kasich the previous day, Steven enlightened the guys with just how underhanded the presidential candidate actually is.

“What really bothered me is the phoniness. He says, ‘I’m not going to take the low road to the highest office in the land,'” Crowder said. “What? Your only possible path to victory is to screw somebody on a technicality. There couldn’t be a more greasy, underhanded low road, and he plays the nice guy card.”

Now that he told us how he really feels, does Crowder think Kasich stands much of a chance the rest of the way?

“No, nobody wants John Kasich. You know, you get past the ad hominem. We’ve talked about this, with the haircut and the kind of hunch. He looks like a baby seal caught in a BP oil spill. He’s just very off-putting, but he’s dishonest,” Crowder said.

Guess not.

Check out the rest of the interview below to get your daily dose of laughter. After all, in this sickening election, laughter might not just be the best medicine — it could be the only medicine.

Listen to this segment from The Glenn Beck Program:

Below is a rush transcript of this segment, it might contain errors:

GLENN: Steven Crowder from LouderwithCrowder.com is on with us now.  

Steven, how are you, sir?

STEVEN:  Thanks for having me.  You know, you’ve seen this week.  We’re all doing the same.
(chuckling)

GLENN:  I can’t — I can’t figure out if John Kasich is — has done a deal with someone, if he’s just delusional.  I watched him win, and I think he really actually thought he won something big on Tuesday.

STEVEN:  John Kasich, he’s like party guest who just never leaves, only he wasn’t invited.  Nobody invited John Kasich.  You’re cleaning up.  You’re trying to wrap it up.  And he’s like, all right (inaudible) with you guys.  Of course, John Kasich would.  No one wants him around.

What really bothers me about him Glenn is the phoniness.  So it was one thing to say, well, maybe he’s a good guy, and he’s delusional.  His winning Ohio with the confetti and the fireworks and the rockettes came up.  I mean, it was like winning the cup in Mario Kart.  I couldn’t believe how big of a celebration this guy had.  What really bothered me is the phoniness.  He says, “I’m not going to take the low road to the highest office in the land.”

What?  Your only possible path to victory is to screw somebody on a technicality.  There couldn’t be a more greasy, underhanded low road, and he plays the nice guy card.
(laughter)
GLENN:  I haven’t looked at it that way, but you’re exactly right.  There is no way for him to take the upper hand and the high road and win.  He’s got to knife somebody in the back.

STEVEN:  Exactly.  There’s no way — I know we push the common format.  That’s the obvious joke.  But it’s mathematically impossible for him to win.  The only way is if he gets to some kind of a brokered convention, and people screw the voters.  

No, nobody wants John Kasich.  You know, you get past the ad hominem.  We’ve talked about this, with the haircut and the kind of hunch.  He looks like a baby seal caught in a BP oil spill.  He’s just very offputting, but he’s dishonest.
(chuckling)
GLENN:  Do you think he cut a deal with Donald Trump or anybody?  Because I’ve heard — have you guys heard those conspiracies that he’s only in it — he’s got a deal with Donald Trump?

PAT:  Yeah.

GLENN:  You think he cut a deal like Ben Carson did?

STEVEN:  I don’t even think Ben Carson cut a deal.  I really don’t.  And I know I sound naive.  And I really like Ben Carson as a good guy.  And I still want to believe he’s a good guy.  I think he’s somebody who is very bright.  But he’s not necessarily politically savvy.  And I think if you read his book, and I’ve read his book, he wants to believe the best in people and he’s very forgiving.  And I think he just bought it.  I think he probably sat Donald Trump down and said, “You know, just not be so decisive.  And I need to know that you won’t, for example, call another candidate a pedophile.”

And Donald Trump just said, “I won’t do it.”  And he said, “Good enough for me.”  And he just endorsed him.
(laughter)
STU:  Where was that treatment with Cruz though?  He thinks Cruz is Satan, and Cruz didn’t even do anything.

STEVEN:  Did he say that about Cruz?  I didn’t read that.  I know John Boehner did.

STU:  He didn’t actually call him Satan.  But, you know, he came out and was calling him a liar.  He said that he was doing all these dirty tricks.  Then Cruz apologized to him.  He — he then — Cruz offered to meet with him.

GLENN:  Yeah, he apologized twice.

STU:  He would not —

GLENN:  Wouldn’t forgive him.  Wouldn’t forgive him.

STEVEN:  Well, okay.  Then that obviously changes the game.

I mean, if you’re Ben Carson, it’s kind of like when you have a guy who you know who is just in this marriage and his kids don’t respect him.  Everybody has that dad in the flock.  And he’s just miserable when he sinks back into his chair.  

You kind of get that sense with Ben Carson.  He openly said, “If there were another scenario, I would endorse someone else.  But there wasn’t, so I’m picking Donald Trump.”  It doesn’t really make sense as far as the leap.  I didn’t know that about — I know obviously John Boehner literally called Ted Cruz Lucifer.  So I wanted to make sure that Ben Carson didn’t hop on that train.  He might.


I think the guy is just a nice kind of go-along guy.  And he might have been in the room, and John Boehner says, “Hey, Ted Cruz is Lucifer.”  And Ben Carson could just say, “Okay.  I’ll go with that.”

GLENN:  Let me ask you this:  I was watching a speech with Bernie Sanders.  And I get the fact that Bernie Sanders is talking about, you know, socialism and it’s a totally new track and, you know, it’s exciting and everything else.

But I’m watching the crowd that’s standing behind him.  And I’m thinking to myself, the whole time I’m watching, the guy could drop dead of a heart attack in the middle of his speech, and I don’t know if anyone thinks that he could live long enough for the four years that he would be in office.  And I don’t know what people see in him as a person, other than he’s got this socialist thing going for him.

Who are the people that are voting for Bernie Sanders?  Really?

STEVEN:  It’s funny that you bring that up, though.  Because remember Matt Damon talking about the actuary tables, as it related to John McCain.  And here you have Bernie Sanders — true story, you know, I did that video at the rally.  We actually have like a Christmas roll that we just figure we’ll roll out sometime.  It’s about two and a half minutes of Bernie Sanders mid-speech going — just coughing and making bizarre noises.  Like you think he’ll just want to keel over.  Kind of like with Hillary Clinton, they whittled down the line to 13 minutes.  We just couldn’t whittle it down.  Every couple of minutes, Bernie was (coughing).  All the time.  I mean, I swear to you.  I have the footage.  And we couldn’t fit it in, it was too much.

You know, we wrote about this on the site.  And I have a writer, Courtney, who is my main editor.  So I’ve written about this from a male perspective.  And as a woman, she wrote a great piece on it.  I would highly recommend people read it.  She’s getting a lot of flak about how, if you are a Bernie Sanders voter, if you believe it’s the government’s job to provide for you, if you don’t believe you can do it on your own, you’re not a man.  You’re not a man I can respect.

And that’s something I’ve always felt.  It really is hard in 2016 to be a male.  And when I say be a man, I don’t mean drinking beer and burping.  There are people who do that, and they abuse their wives.  There are people who are macho, and they’re horrible men.  I’m talking about a man who can lead his family, a man who believes that he can provide for his kids.  

That’s what makes someone a man:  Their families, their communities, people under their tutelage are flourishing.  People voting for Bernie Sanders don’t believe they can do it.  They’ll tell you it’s out of their control.  The system is rigged against them.  And it’s someone else’s job to pay for it.  

So we wrote about that on the site.  Got a big reaction.  It really is — you know, men have been shamed because of just who they are.  Right?  Your male privilege.  Well, Bernie Sanders exemplifies the antithesis of that.  It is radically anti-rugged individualism to believe that you have no control over your destiny, but the 72-year-old Jewish socialist is going to fix it to you.  That’s not happening.

GLENN:  So you’re saying you cannot be a man if you’re standing on the stage or if you’re voting for him; even if you have the correct genitalia, you’re not really a man?

STEVEN:  I don’t know now.  The new rules and Caitlin Jenner still carrying around the equipment but is a woman, so your guess is as good as mine.  But the spirit is that.  Yeah.

GLENN:  Tell me about the Buzzfeed thing.  Because you did — you went around — you wrote about a black guy dressed as a preppie for a week to prove microaggressions.  Tell me about this.

STEVEN:  Buzzfeed.  I can hear Stu.  Did Stu or Pat make a reference article?  It seems that not many conservatives saw it.

STU:  Maybe I didn’t.  

STEVEN:  It’s huge.  It’s all over Buzzfeed.  It’s this black guy.  And he writes microaggression.  Black lives matter.  He talks about dressing nicely and sort of dressing down.  You know, in sweatpants and a hoodie.  And talking about how people treat him differently.  So the big examples of discrimination are when he was dressed in a suit and tie, you know, the bus drivers were nicer to him.  The people at the cleaners were nice to him.  People lent him some change; whereas, when he was dressed in sweatpants and a baggy hoodie, they didn’t treat him very well.  

Now, he writes this, and his conclusion is racism.  And so I read, and I just said, “This proves the opposite.”  Listen, if someone hates black people, you’re not tricking them out with a skinny tie.  Okay?  Like, isn’t this wonderful?  You’re a black guy, you put on a blazer, and nobody cares.

But apparently he thought this was proof that if you treat someone who dresses nicely, well, you’re a racist.  And I don’t go into Banana Republic in sweatpants.  They look at me funny.  So I just don’t go into Banana Republic anymore because I only wear sweatpants.

STU:  But you’re right, it actually proves the exact opposite.

GLENN:  The exact opposite.

STU:  If you are a person who walks around — if you’re intimidated by a black person in a suit, for example, and you are not intimidated by a white person in a gang attire, then you’re racist.

STEVEN:  Right.

STU:  But that’s different.  That’s a totally different story.

STEVEN:  Right.

STU:  It’s based on the dress.  It’s based on — if you’re going down and you have a bunch of people coming at you, looking like Eminem in their prime, you might very well be intimidated.  That doesn’t make you racist against whites.

STEVEN:  Eminem.  At least Eminem had a prime.  What about my prime?  

Listen.  You could take Glenn, right?  Take off the cardigan.  Okay.  Get rid of the scruff there that he has going.  And if you put him in no-belted prison pants and, you know, a giant red hoodie that looks like he’s not staying neutral.  He’s in the Bloods.  And you walk him down the streets of Inglewood, I’m going to walk on the other side of the street.  So that gives you some context.  And that’s exactly what this guy proved.

GLENN:  I think there’s a slam in there someplace.  I’m just not sure exactly where it is.

STU:  Yeah.  He’s using you as the least threatening —

GLENN:  I know.  Steven Crowder.  LouderwithCrowder.com.  LouderwithCrowder.com.  Thanks, Steven.  We’ll talk to you again.

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