The Underwear Bomber’s Prison Blues.
Christmas Day, 2009. A man smuggled chemicals onto a Northwest Airlines flight with 289 passengers aboard.
This feat required the precision of a master technician and the stealth of a magician. One does not simply waltz onto a plane with a carry-on full of deadly, flammable liquids. Too obvious. You might be mistaken for a terrorist. No, this top-secret mission required months, or even minutes, of careful planning. It also took a steady hand – sometimes two – for the chemicals would have to be concealed where no government agent would think to explore.
The man made it through airport security with his concealed chemicals intact. Too easy. He thought of Richard Reid, the failed shoe bomber. Amateur. The flight from Amsterdam to Detroit seemed to last forever though. His nether regions were cramped and uncomfortable. He stashed the secret chemicals within the cotton confines of his underpants. He thought it was brilliant!
Finally, the plane descended toward Detroit. The man covered himself with a blanket and tried to light his skivvies. There was lots of smoke, but no fruit of the boom – just a burning sensation where you never want to feel a burning sensation.
Before he knew it, Umar Farouk and his singed underwear landed in maximum security federal prison with a life sentence for his “brief” attempt at mass murder.
And now he has a new burning sensation – a burning desire to communicate with his fellow citizens of the world. Except he says the U.S. government is keeping him down, violating his First, Fifth and Eighth Amendment rights. Because now he cares about stuff like freedom and American Constitutional rights.
Last week he sued Uncle Sam for “prohibiting him from having any communication whatsoever with more than 7.5 billion people, the vast majority of people on the planet.”
He also says solitary confinement is inhumane and that he’s not allowed to pray with fellow Muslims. Apparently, life in prison is proving to be even more restrictive than tightie-whities for Umar.
Mugabe the ‘Goodwill Ambassador’ — Really?
That’s how long the president of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe, held the position of “Goodwill Ambassador.”
The World Health Organization chose Mugabe because they thought he would be an “advocate for fighting diseases such as cancer and diabetes in Africa.”
Thankfully, someone at the World Health Organization returned to sanity and rescinded the appointment just two days later when they remembered, oh yeah, Mugabe is a violent, tyrannical despot.
To think that someone who helped spread a raging cholera epidemic in his own country would “fight diseases” is insane.
This is a man that has killed thousands of his own citizens for political dissent, destroyed Zimbabwe’s healthcare program, and eviscerated the agriculture system. His forced seizure of white-owned farms collapsed the economy and has led to devastating poverty and mass starvation across the country.
Mugabe is single-handedly responsible for reducing the life expectancy in Zimbabwe from 62 years to 36-the lowest in the world.
Believe me when I say, this is a man incapable of anything “good.”
This is a guy who aspired to be like Adolf.
Mugabe actually said, “I am still the Hitler of the time. Hitler has only one objective: justice for his people, sovereignty for his people, recognition of the independence of his people and their rights over their resources. If that is Hitler, then let me be Hitler tenfold. Ten times, that is what we stand for.”
How could the World Health Organization be so stupid?
Well, it wouldn’t be the first time the United Nations honored Mugabe.
In 2012, the UN endorsed him as a “Tourism Ambassador.”
That title is ironic because Mugabe’s been banned from traveling to most parts of the world because of his atrocious human rights violations. Not to mention, there is nothing to “tour” in his own country of Zimbabwe except devastation, poverty, and disease.
If our intergovernmental organization insists on appointing Mugabe to something, it should be Ambassador to the Deepest, Darkest Recesses of Hell. I can get behind that appointment.
The Safety Den.
There is no safe space from partisan politics anymore – not even a Cub Scout den.
Eleven-year-old Cub Scout Ames Mayfield from Broomfield, Colorado, has been kicked out of his den. According to his mother, Lori, he was asked to move to another den because of the questions he asked a Republican State Senator who was speaking to his den.
Ames asked Republican Vicki Marble why she won’t support, “common-sense gun laws.” He also said, “There is something wrong in our country where Republicans believe it’s a right to own a gun, but a privilege to have health care.”
That sounds exactly like every eleven-year-old I’ve ever been around. They all speak just like that.
Ames read his “questions” and lots of stats to the State Senator from stapled documents. He read for almost two-and-a-half minutes before the Senator was able to respond. Naturally, Ames’ mom captured the whole thing on video and then posted it on social media.
None of us are perfect parents, but perhaps Mrs. Mayfield could’ve thought ahead a little bit, that posting those videos online might stir up controversy and get local media involved. Maybe she could’ve predicted that this whole thing might rub some Cub Scout leaders the wrong way.
Unless all this attention is precisely what she hoped for young Ames, and maybe for herself. After all, people might be more inclined to let a child finish their ridiculously long essay on pro-gun control and pro-government health care, than they would be inclined to listen to a middle-aged mom
with an ax to grind.
But I have to ask Mrs. Mayfield, was it worth it to deny your child his experience at Cub Scouts? Is he better off for being your political mouthpiece? I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure he’d rather be playing with his friends at Scouts than home memorizing liberal talking points with you.