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America! America! God shed his grace on thee. And crown thy good with brotherhood from sea to shining sea! That version is now available on iTunes. We’re the land of the free and the home of the brave. And also, the land of free and brave people that spend a lot of time talking about bathrooms. Who can go into the men’s room? Who can go into the lady’s room? Is it right to even have men’s and lady’s rooms anymore? Let’s all fight about it for a few years while ISIS plots how to run us over at our street festivals.

Whether you happen to be a “everyone should tinkle where they want to” person or a “tinkle in the room most closely associated with your genitals person” I’m disappointed in you. What has happened to our country? This used to be the country of big thinkers. Problem solvers. Hey, we’ve got some pork. And we’ve got some ham. It’s gonna go bad, should we throw it out or feed it to the animals? Neither. Mix it up. Add some salt. Throw it in a can. Call it Spam. That’s America. We don’t play around with half measures. That’s why this bathroom debate is so crazy.

We can all find our cozy little places on each side of the partisan divide, or we can aim higher. We can solve this problem for every side of the debate. We’re America. We can do this. We’ve spent so much time trying to figure out who should be in the bathroom when you’re tinkling, we have forgotten the real question. Why are there people in the bathroom when you’re tinkling? What year is this?

Relieving ourselves is not a community event. You know what, I don’t want a transgendered person peeing next to me. You know what else I don’t want? A dude peeing next to me. I don’t want Alexis Ren peeing next to me. I don’t want anyone peeing next to me, ever. You know why? Because pee pee time, is private time.

Are we human beings or are we animals? Every few years there is a controversy in the world of sports when a female reporter gets booted out of the locker room when the players are getting dressed. That’s sexism, they say. Why should female reporters not be allowed in the locker rooms when male reporters are. Well— why should ANYONE be allowed in the locker room when players are getting dressed. They’re human beings. Don’t stare at them when they’re junk is hanging out. Get out of their locker room— they’ll answer your stupid questions when they are ready and have clothes on. In fact— why do they have a locker room at all? These people make 11 million dollars a year- maybe they should get a door to change behind. Call me crazy.

The truth is we’re all aiming too low. If you’re a guy and you successfully prohibit a transgendered person from coming into your bathroom, you still have people in your bathroom. Is being in a stall next to Jeffy a win in your book? And if you’re transgendered and you get the right to go into the dude’s bathroom, I ask again— is being in a stall next to Jeffy a win in your book? If the answer is yes, I want to lose the ability to read.

So, what am I asking for— No— what am I demanding —as an upstanding American taxpayer? It’s simple. One person. One bathroom. It’s like one man, one vote. One person. One bathroom. No more fights about who comes in the bathroom with you. The answer is always the same. No one.


How would this happen? All new bathrooms in America will be created for one person to go in them. You can keep the same amount of toilets, just separate them with walls; and not those dividers in stalls either. Walls that go from the floor— to the ceiling.

Older bathrooms would have a grace period with ample time to convert. The toilets already exist. Sheet rock is cheap and the market will surely give you an even cheaper way to divide them. Will it add some cost? Initially, sure. But, it’s a drop in the bucket, which is a gross phrase to use in this context. We literally spend millions and billions and trillions of dollars on stuff you will never benefit from. This will result in no one looking at your junk. No more disgusting noises. No revolting odors. Except your own. You’re welcome.

So, you might ask, where in the constitution does the government get the power to implement this brilliant one person one bathroom plan? First of all, good to see you, guy who cares about the constitution. I thought you were dead. But the answer to your question is— nowhere. nowhere in the constitution. The constitution definitely does not give the government the power to do this. That’s why we have to amend it.

I am here to propose, support, and demand the 28th amendment to the constitution. One person, one bathroom. I am asking for your support. Join me and we can change the future of this country. Together, we can be the spam of this generation.

So, to review: I’m sick of arguing about who should be in what bathroom. You should be able to go tinkle by yourself. It should be a basic human right.

So, let’s amend the constitution and get this done. One person. One bathroom. From sea to shining sea. -And to encourage your support, here’s Alexis Ren.

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