Glenn at the NRA

Glenn speaks at the 2008 NRA’s Member Banquet…

GLENN:  From Radio City in Midtown Manhattan, third most listened to show in all of America.  Hello, you sick twisted freak.  You know, I was actually at my daughter’s prom on — it was fantastic.  I was at my daughter’s prom on Friday so I didn’t get to see Mike Huckabee’s speech at the NRA convention.  Mike, you really probably should stay away from the gun and presidential candidate jokes.  Just a safety tip, just a safety tip.  But then I went to the NRA, and I was — I spoke on Saturday night.  Just, what a great crowd.  What a great group of people out of the NRA.  But I run into — I’ve been texting Marcus Luttrell because Marcus was supposed to come with me to my daughter’s prom.  Now, if you don’t know who Marcus Luttrell is, he’s the author of Lone Survivor.  He and his Navy SEAL team, there were four of them, they fought off 400 Al-Qaeda members by themselves and he’s the lone survivor.  Kind of a tough guy.

I tried to get him on the phone this morning but he’s giving a lecture some place.  So he can’t tell the story himself, but we’ll have him later on to retell the story, but I’ve been texting him and I couldn’t get a hold of him and I’m like, Marcus, come on, man, you’ve got to help me; my daughter is going out to her prom; I need to scare the living bat crap out of the guy dating her!  And nothing.

So there I am at the NRA and I’m having a conversation with somebody and all of a sudden across the room I see Marcus walk in and he makes eye contact with me.  And then he just puts his head down.  So I make a beeline over to Marcus and I said, where have you been, man?  He said, well, sir, now — you know, Marcus, if you’ve ever heard him on the program, he’s the most kind, humble, quiet Texan you can imagine.  Agree, Stu?  Is that a great way to — right?

STU:  Yeah, definitely.

GLENN:  Humble, he’s a seal.  He’s a Navy SEAL and he’s not Jesse Ventura, "I’m going to rip your heart out."  He said, "Well, sir–" I said, "Marcus, where are you?"  He said, "Well, sir, my mama doesn’t know this yet, but I’ve been in jail."  And I said, what?  He said, "Well, I came up to Manhattan.  I was in Manhattan and one thing led to another and I ended up in jail."  I said, "What the — what did you do?"  "Well, sir, I was just minding my own business."  He said, "There I was," and he stayed at this — I don’t know.  I don’t know how to describe it — hip kind of hotel here in Manhattan where nothing but troublemakers hang out at.  You know the type.  So Marcus is like, "I’m just staying at this hotel and, you know, they have a bar downstairs and so I went down to that bar."  He said, "Have you ever been to that hotel?  That’s a weird hotel."  I said, yes.  He said, "So I’m standing there at that — I’m standing there in the hotel and I decide to go down to the bar."  And he said, "I’m just, I’m wearing my cowboy boots and wearing my jeans and I got a shirt on and back of the shirt is a Texas state flag."  He said, "I’m just standing there at the bar and I’m talking to this woman.  She’s very nice.  We’re just having a nice conversation and pretty soon a guy comes up and he slaps me on the back.  He pokes me in the back and he said, ‘Your murdering President is from the state that you have the flag on.’"  He said, "So I under turned around and I looked at him."  He said, "It was this little scrawny guy, he’s wearing a polo shirt, he’s got the collar flipped up and wearing some kind of weird tie around his polo shirt."  He said, "He’s got skinny jeans and stupid shoes and said he’s wearing sunglasses in the bar at night."  He said, "This guy was just pissing me off just looking at him.  To add insult to injury," he said, "I could barely understand him."  Said, "I couldn’t understand him.  He was from some place else.  He was a tourist."  And he said, "I just turned to him and I said, ‘Yes, sir, that’s who the President — that’s where the President is from.’"  Then he turned around.  He said, "I started talking to the girl again.  Pretty soon the guy pokes me in the back again."

Now, when I’m hearing this story, I’m thinking, you’re the dumbest SOB on the planet.  You are poking a guy the size of Marcus Luttrell in the back and calling on trouble.

STU:  Yeah, and not to mention that he’s wearing a Texas flag.

GLENN:  Yes.

STU:  You’re, like, trying to insult him.

GLENN:  Yes.

STU:  Not a good idea.

GLENN:  Yes.  And he pokes him in the back and says, "Are all Texans nothing but murdering thugs?"  Now he’s — now he’s not only insulting the President and Texas but he’s calling all Texans murdering thugs, and he’s saying it to a man who held off 400 Al-Qaeda members single-handedly for two days.  He turned around and he said, "You know what?  There’s two things you don’t do.  You don’t make fun of my mama and you don’t make fun of the great State of Texas.  You hear me?"  He said, then I turned around again.  He said, I started talking to this girl.  Third time.  He said the guy was just saying — he didn’t even tell me — saying some of the worst stuff about Bush, about Texas, about the war, he said, and then he poked him in the back again, third time.  Marcus said, "Glenn, there’s really only two ways to get a man’s attention and that is to catch him on fire or beat the hell out of him."  I said, you didn’t set him on fire, did you?  He said, "No."  He said before he knew it, though, he was outside that bar with mice hands around his neck and I was beating the snot out of him on the sidewalk.  Police came and Marcus was — so Marcus was in jail.  And I said, you know, Marcus, this story could end a lot of ways.  With you being in jail I could have been very disappointed in you but for some reason a guy with sunglasses at night and a flipped up polo shirt making fun of you, the President and Texas, I’m strangely okay with you beating the snot out of him on the sidewalks in Manhattan.  Was it worth it?  He said, "Well, yes, sir."

STU:  That’s fan — I can tell you this.  It’s the absolute best outcome for the guy who was poking him.  The fact that it just ends with Marcus in jail, like, that’s the best.

GLENN:  He was dead serious, too.  He was dead serious.  He said, there’s really only two ways to get a man’s attention.  You either catch him on fire or you beat the snot out of him.  Who will thinks catch him on fire is an option?  (Laughing).  He was at the NRA convention and they were talking about some, you know, .50-caliber sharpshooting rifle and a .50-caliber sharpshooting rifle, that’s a big rifle and our military uses it and Marcus has used it, and the president of the company that makes this .50-caliber rifle says, "You know — "and he sees Marcus there and he was sitting there listening in the audience to the guy.  He said, you know, Marcus Luttrell is here.  He said, Marcus, military uses this weapon.  What do you think of it?  Have you ever used it?  Marcus again:  "Well, sir, yes, I have.  637 — 1637 yards I shot a man’s throat out.  There was not really much left.  So I think it’s a good piece of machinery.  Sits down.  There was like, (clearing throat).  Okay, Marcus, those are stories that really you should –

STU:  That’s not really dinnertime material.

GLENN:  That’s not — I know the Second Amendment’s not about sportsmen and hunting, but the NRA convention is.  You know what I mean?  When they’re talking — when he’s up there talking about, "You know this .50-caliber rifle, this is a great, you can get a shot –" I don’t think we really need to talk about taking a man’s throat out at 1600 yards.  Maybe it’s just me.

STU:  It is amazing how pro Second Amendment people come when it’s other people fighting for their freedom overseas.  It’s amazing how all of a sudden everyone’s like, "Oh, yeah, they can have guns, no problem about it when they’re defending me."

GLENN:  I would buy a .50-caliber sniper rifle, absolutely.  Sure.

STU:  It will do the job.

GLENN:  It will do the job.  For deer.  It will do the job.  You know what, it was just an incredible weekend, man.  That’s the first time I’ve ever been to the NRA convention and they asked me to speak and I tried out some of the — I tried out some of the material for the Unelectable speech.  You know our tour, it’s politically incorrect.  I hammer the Republicans, I hammer the — I call McCain, Obama and Hillary Larry, Curly and Mo, the Three Stooges, and went into their policies and hammered all of them and hammered both sides, and there were senators and everybody else sitting in the audience and I don’t know.  I don’t think it’s — I mean, it’s politically incorrect, but I don’t — I think people are so starved for the truth that they’ll pretty much go anywhere.  They’ll pretty much go anywhere.

STU:  Well, I had to ask you because I actually had a friend who was there and I got an e-mail from them with notes because I wanted notes on your speech hoping, of course, for flubs, trip-ups.

GLENN:  Oh, you know what?  I keep leaving — because everybody I talk to said that you had e-mailed them or talked to them.  You were looking for — I mean, you really thought I was going to get up and –

STU:  Well –

GLENN:  I mean, there was one person that came up to me and said, Stu wants verbatim everything you say about Ted Kennedy.  I’m like, I’m not going to make fun of Ted — he was just rushed to the hospital.

STU:  I just was warning you.  I just wanted to make sure.  Because I mean, you know, Ted Kennedy jokes are fine 99% of the time.

GLENN:  Sure.

STU:  But the day he goes to the hospital.

GLENN:  The day he goes to the hospital, you think that’s over the edge, Stu?

STU:  Not really the timing.  I was just reminding you.  This is what he said.  He said your speech included six standing ovations.

GLENN:  Yes.  That it was the biggest crowd they’ve ever had, the biggest convention they’ve ever had, the biggest — it doubled last year’s convention, the size-wise.

STU:  Not the convention.  The dinner.

GLENN:  The dinner that I spoke at.

STU:  And at the end they gave you a gun.

GLENN:  They did and it was a little awkward.

STU:  The gun?

GLENN:  They gave me the Charlton Heston rifle, the cold dead hands, that thing.

STU:  Really?

GLENN:  Yeah.  It’s beautiful, absolutely beautiful.  They took it away from me right away.  They let me hold it for, like, five minutes.  And they’re like, we’ll box it and ship it to you.  And I’m like, but I haven’t even seen it.  We’ll box it and ship it to you.

STU:  Can it take someone’s throat out at 1600 yards?

GLENN:  No, no.  I didn’t know what to say when they handed — because they played because they did this big tribute to Charlton Heston, you know, and at the end with his, you know, you take it out of my cold, dead hands.  And then, you know, they give it — you know, "Here."  And I’m like — all I could think of is, "They didn’t take it out of his cold, dead hands, did they?  I mean, that’s not –" I didn’t ask but I’m pretty sure they didn’t.

STU:  Probably a different one.

GLENN:  I’m pretty sure it’s a different one.  What do you say?  You know, I had to walk up to the microphone and say something, cold dead — you can’t say anything.  What do you do?  You stand there with a gun?  I didn’t know what to say.

STU:  You can’t follow that.

GLENN:  No.  So I just walked up to the microphone with nothing to say and I went, "Thank you.  I’m glad I now have a gun to go varmint hunting with."  I mean, I didn’t know what to say.