Glenn Beck: Cap and Trade

Learn more about Glenn’s Mid-Life Crisis in Fusion Magazine

GLENN: From Midtown Manhattan in Rockefeller Plaza high above the ice rink and within spitting distance of Keith Olbermann. Hello and welcome to the program. I’m — no, I’ve tried. I’m almost there. I am. But welcome to the program. My name is Glenn Beck. I’m glad that you’re here. We have to wish somebody a happy birthday today. Stu’s wife Lisa, who is the voice that you hear, the — what does it say?

STU: Fusion of entertainment and enlightenment. You’ve only heard it three times a day for the last eight years.

GLENN: So she’s the voice of the program. And she works for a very trendy — she’s very trendy. She works for a very trendy, cool, fashionable radio station and, you know, basically she is the kind of person that Stu really has no right to hang around.

STU: Thank you for that. I would agree.

GLENN: No, I’m just saying. And apparently she’s fighting — she’s being shoved through the exit door out of her 20s and right into another, more of a plus sized door, 30s.

STU: This is a big transition, yes.

GLENN: Yeah. She’s not happy about it, is she?

STU: I would say she’s taking it a little hard. Which is unnecessary for her.

GLENN: 40 kind of hit me. 40 hit me, but 40 hit me hard because none of my friends called, wrote, nothing. My wife threw a surprise party for me, but because of my schedule, and I don’t remember what it was, she threw it for, like, three weeks after. Do you remember that, Stu?

STU: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

GLENN: It was like three weeks after my party and, like, all my friends were just like, hey, whatever. And I was really, I didn’t expect it and didn’t expect a big party or anything like that. But then Tania said — because Tania’s really not a good liar and so she just, you know, blew by it because she didn’t want to make a big deal and fake it. And so — there’s so many lines there. She just —

STU: How did I miss all of them?

GLENN: I know, I know. Good for you, Stu.

STU: I should be docked today’s pay.

GLENN: Okay. So she didn’t say anything and I’m, like, starting to think my wife, she didn’t even really say anything about my 40th. I mean, it’s starting to bother me; I don’t think she loves me.

STU: So in her effort to make a great day for you, she almost drove you to depression.

GLENN: I almost killed myself. And we were down in Washington for something and I said to — I said to Chris — and it was the day of the party and I said, Chris, I said, you know what, I’m just going to call Tania. Let’s just have dinner here in Washington. He’s like, no! We have to — and he started talking like, you know, William Shatner, we… have to… get to train… now. And it was just odd. But anyway, so 40 really hit me and took me by surprise. 30 for a woman, going to hit her. It’s going to hit her.

STU: Why? She’s never had a problem with any of the other birthdays.

GLENN: Explain cap and trade to me, Stu.

STU: Cap and trade as far as carbon emissions?

GLENN: Carbon emissions.

STU: Global warming?

GLENN: Explain cap and trade. I’m going to explain how the world works, cap and trade.

STU: All right. Well, in a global warming environment.

GLENN: Yeah.

STU: Basically you would put a cap, like a salary cap in sports.

GLENN: Yes.

STU: I know you understand that analogy. Like a cap in the total amount of carbon emissions.

GLENN: Yes.

STU: And then companies that use less than their share, quote/unquote, whatever the government decides is their share, then they can trade the excess to companies who use more than their share.

GLENN: Got it.

STU: So you cap the total amount but then you can trade.

GLENN: But it’s really all about money, isn’t it?

STU: Oh, yes.

GLENN: It’s all about money.

STU: Definitely all about money.

GLENN: The more money you have, the more you can trade, the more things you can buy. Right?

STU: Yes. You would be able to —

GLENN: The more carbon units you can buy.

STU: Yes. You would be able to buy as many units as you needed.

GLENN: Got it. Stu, what is the basic fundamental building block of the human body?

STU: I mean, the reproductive system?

GLENN: No, no, no. What is the basic fundamental building block of all of life?

STU: The molecule?

GLENN: No, the basic fundamental — carbon.

STU: Carbon.

GLENN: We are carbon units.

STU: Okay.

GLENN: Okay? So let me tell you about the basic fundamental building block, the cap and trade system of carbon units.

STU: I don’t know where you’re going with this, but it doesn’t seem like it’s going to turn out well.

GLENN: Stu, she’s 30 now.

STU: Yes, she is. Today.

GLENN: Cap, trade.

STU: What does that mean?

GLENN: Cap, and trade. She’s 30. You can cap her now. 30 is — you cap her.

STU: Cap her as in, like, shoot her? You put a cap in her?

GLENN: Look. Stu, think of your salary.

STU: Okay.

GLENN: Think of the salary you made when you married her.

STU: Sure.

GLENN: Okay. Do you think there’s a difference there?

STU: There is a difference there.

GLENN: But you’re walking around with the same thing that you, you know, you had when you were making the other salary.

STU: I didn’t —

GLENN: And she’s depreciated.

STU: I don’t know what you’re saying.

GLENN: Just listen to me. Just listen to me. She’s depreciated, okay? So what you do — and it’s nothing against Lisa. You know I love her.

STU: Just because you’re telling me that my wife is depreciating, you’re saying there’s nothing against her?

GLENN: No, no, no. Because she’s depreciating to you. Like for me, she’s not depreciating.

STU: Okay.

GLENN: Okay? Because she’s 30. But I’m 45.

STU: Uh-huh.

GLENN: So she’s still, she’s below my cap.

STU: Okay.

GLENN: My cap, 40. Tania, she’s like, I don’t know, 30 something or other.

STU: You don’t know —

GLENN: I don’t know.

STU: You just know her —

GLENN: I have a deal in my calendar on the, you know, desktop calendar, an alarm of when she hits 40.

STU: And then what happens then?

GLENN: Trade her. But I trade her for somebody like Lisa who is younger. Now, I wouldn’t trade her — if Tania were 40 today, I would trade her for Lisa because I know her, I like her. She’s nice.

STU: Okay. This is —

GLENN: And she’s hot and she’s cool.

STU: All making me very uncomfortable. Go ahead.

GLENN: But I’m just — we’re talking carbon.

STU: Right. This is just —

GLENN: All we’re doing is we’re talking carbon.

STU: This is all mathematics you’re saying?

GLENN: Yeah. We’re trading carbon. You see what I’m saying? What?

STU: So I just want to make sure I understand the basics before we go on.

GLENN: You should be with somebody 22.

STU: That’s a very good point. So you are saying that I have to — I’ve capped my marriage —

GLENN: At 30.

STU: At 30 and now I’m going to trade for a 22-year-old.

GLENN: Yes.

STU: And you’re capping your wife at 40 and you are going to trade for a 30-year-old?

GLENN: Yes. But that always changes, see? So it’s — because people will say, oh, this is horrible, how could you possibly do this?

STU: A lot of people would say it. Like almost everyone would.

GLENN: No, no. It’s because they misunderstand.

STU: They misunderstand the —

GLENN: No, they don’t understand carbon trading, all right? Because it’s not bad, because no matter what scientists say, carbon is not bad. It is the basic building block. I’m not going to — what are we going to do? Sequester Lisa? No, we’re not going to sequester her. It’s carbon. It’s the basic building block of life. She’s just, I don’t know how many carbon units but that’s what she is, she’s several carbon units.

STU: Okay. So she’s the — you’re giving her the — you are calling her the basic building block of life.

GLENN: Building block of life.

STU: That should be traded like a commodity?

GLENN: No, not like a commodity.

STU: That’s what cap and trade is. I mean, it’s — essentially.

GLENN: Stu, we’re trying to help the planet, right?

STU: Okay.

GLENN: We’re trying to help — we’re trying to help the planet, okay? So let’s just do what’s right for the planet.

STU: Because I don’t want to be accused of hating the planet.

GLENN: No.

STU: I will say that.

GLENN: No.

STU: Because now you are making — you are kind of shining a different light on this.

GLENN: So now listen. So you might say in this — because right now do you feel bad for Lisa? If you would say, hey, I’m going to cap and trade you?

STU: Yes, I feel terrible.

GLENN: Absolutely. But because she’s 30, she would be getting another model, not a newer model, but a wealthier model.

STU: Right, she’s going to trade up.

GLENN: She’s going to trade up.

STU: The income ladder.

GLENN: Like me, okay?

STU: This is — why do you keep using yourself as an example? Can we use someone else?

GLENN: No, I just — I can’t think of anybody else.

STU: You can’t think of anyone else? There’s so many people in the world.

GLENN: I’m just saying. So we cap — you’ve capped her at 30. Now, I wouldn’t — I wouldn’t do it because she’s 30. You know, Tania I’m not willing — I love my wife. I’m not willing to trade her until she hits 40.

STU: That’s really gracious of you.

GLENN: I know. So — but the great thing is she trades up and then it just keeps going. So for instance, like I would never be with a 22-year-old because that’s too young.

STU: That would be weird.

GLENN: That would be weird.

STU: Yeah.

GLENN: When you’re my age, when you’re 40, you don’t go with a 22-year-old, you don’t go with 28. That’s why it’s a sliding scale. That’s how you get a 50-year-old woman to be with, like, an 80-year-old.

STU: So the 80-year-old guy —

GLENN: The 80-year-old guy, lots of money usually and he’s like, she’s hot. Because he’s 80; she’s 50.

STU: Right.

GLENN: Of course she’s hot.

STU: Right.

GLENN: You know what I mean? It would be sick if the 80 was with, like, a 30-year-old. But 50, it’s the cap and trade system.

STU: Are there actual levels, like, that you have to cap? Or is this a personal cap you get to choose from?

GLENN: No, we’ll have some sort of a — you know, we would have to get a committee together.

STU: A committee? Of —

GLENN: Somebody to, you know, say — you know, to examine all of the people and to say, hmmm.

STU: So what do I have to do next? What’s my next step? Because my wife turned 30 today.

GLENN: It’s easy. It’s in the name. Cap, and trade.

STU: So I trade for a — I’m looking for a 22-year-old now.

GLENN: That would be capped.

STU: Well, I guess you are telling me I need to cap.

GLENN: Do you care about the planet?

STU: No, I don’t — I mean, I care about the planet.

GLENN: Sometimes it’s hard to do. Do you know how hard it’s been for me to use fluorescent light bulbs?

STU: No.

GLENN: It’s been very difficult.

STU: So you are saying I need to make a sacrifice here.

GLENN: You need to make a sacrifice. It’s for your children.

STU: For a 22-year-old?

GLENN: Yeah. It’s for your children.

STU: I don’t have any children.

GLENN: You know why?

STU: No, I don’t — well, I yes, I know why. I know the process. I understand why it hasn’t —

GLENN: That clock is ticking there.

STU: I don’t think that’s true.

GLENN: No, it is. That clock is ticking. She’s close to being barren. She’s —

STU: This is — all of this is making me very uncomfortable.

GLENN: She is close to — it is a — science — look, it’s not me.

STU: No, no, not you, definitely not.

GLENN: This is almost a scientific consensus. This close to being barren.

STU: When you say almost, what’s —

GLENN: Within 1,000 years.

STU: It will be a scientific —

GLENN: Yeah, within 1,000 years she will be barren. No, it could happen in 15 years, could happen in five years, I don’t know. But definitely within 1,000 years she will be completely barren and all because you wouldn’t trade carbon.

STU: So you are saying it’s my earthly duty?

GLENN: It is.

STU: To be green.

GLENN: Absolutely.

STU: I have to cap and trade my wife and give them to someone like you that you can’t name another person as an example?

GLENN: No. But it won’t be me.

STU: Right.

GLENN: Because I love my wife.

STU: Until she’s 40.

GLENN: Yeah, but then she — I mean, come on. We haven’t talked about this but she understands.

STU: Are you sure that we would understand that? Have you explained the cap and trade system to her?

GLENN: No, but I’m pretty sure she would — you don’t think — yeah, she would understand. She knows.

STU: It’s possible she might not.

GLENN: Well, anything’s possible. It’s not probable. I mean, women have to understand the cap and trade. I mean, look who they’re with.

Stu, look who your wife is with.

STU: Right. Me.

GLENN: You.

STU: Not good.

GLENN: Right.

STU: That was not a good move.

GLENN: Look who my wife is with.

STU: You.

GLENN: Right.

STU: Terrible move.

GLENN: She knows that ain’t gonna last.

STU: That’s against nature. I mean, really it hurts nature. Nature cries when she sees that coupling.

GLENN: Hang on. Sally is on the phone. Yes, Sally. Sally is — Sally is gone, I guess.

STU: She must have got capped.

GLENN: Or traded. I’m not sure. She might be on the Laura Ingraham show right now. Could be.

STU: It’s interesting. I just feel like it’s maybe a little — I don’t know. I don’t know that this system works for, I don’t — somewhere around 50% of the population. Seems like 50% of it would like it but then the other 50% — I can’t — there’s some, like, party line. Maybe it’s on gender.

GLENN: Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this: You think that this is demeaning, treating women like meat.

STU: I would say yes.