Super Glenn
May 30, 2008 - 13:33 ET
GLENN: By the way, Stu.
STU: Yes.
GLENN: What did you think of the Good Morning America -- I think this is the first time I've been on Good Morning America since they promised me that they weren't going to, they weren't going to do something and then they just, and then they did it.
STU: It's been a while actually, yeah. I thought you did a good job. I thought you did as good a job as someone can while defending, you know, charges of sexism in pink pants. I mean, most people would be like --
GLENN: No, wait a minute.
STU: -- wouldn't understand.
GLENN: They promised me, they promised me -- again, they promised me that they would not show the pants, and they did.
STU: You are just trying to turn this into some media conspiracy against you but I would point out that no one in history has been filmed with pink pants when they were wearing normal person pants. So if you were just to not wear pink pants, they couldn't shoot the pink pants. Do you understand the concept?
GLENN: It was 75 degrees outside, they are stone washed, they are stone washed --
STU: Oh, oh.
GLENN: They are stone washed khakis. Happened to be pink.
STU: You are like Al Gore.
GLENN: I'm wearing no socks and a polo shirt. I go to do my television show and I put on a suit and tie. It doesn't even match the pink pants. Sometimes I'll wear shorts on the set as long as they don't show my pants.
STU: That's weird because, you know, Dan, I don't know about you but I feel like I've been in temperatures of 75 degrees before and I never was wearing pink pants in any of those situations.
DAN: Yeah, it's bizarre.
GLENN: I'm perfectly fine with my sexuality. Anderson Cooper came up to me in the hallway that day and he stopped dead in his tracks and he said, a man who's comfortable with his sexuality. And I said, Anderson, oh, yeah.
STU: It has nothing to do with your sexuality. It has to do with your taste, it has to do with your character.
GLENN: Can I tell you something?
STU: With your moral character.
GLENN: I think it's hysterical that they were charging me with sexism while I'm wearing pink pants.
STU: It is funny. It's almost like you did it on purpose. The problem is you didn't.
GLENN: Yes, I did.
STU: No, you didn't. We know you didn't.
GLENN: Yes, I did. I did. Like I'm going to take this from a guy who won't stop criminals from robbing a poor 80-year-old man.
STU: What are you talking? He wasn't 80 years old. He was like 35.
GLENN: That's your story.
STU: This is your fallback position now, isn't it?
GLENN: Dan is trying to protect Sarah and her unborn child from the New York mob as they're robbing this guy 80 years old and the street and he's like, help me, won't somebody help me. And Stu does nothing. He looks the other way. He doesn't even know what they look like.
STU: I love this. You act like you're so tough but we all foe exactly why you're tough. It's because of Adam. You're the biggest wuss in the world. You play all those Super Stu pits today. I've got Super Glenn ones for you today.
GLENN: You what?
STU: I have a Super Glenn thing and I'm responding to your attacks.
GLENN: I had Super Stu yesterday, faster than a speeding mullet, crying like a little girl, "I'm a little girl."
STU: I was not crying and I just looked the other way.
GLENN: Yeah, right. You just looked the other way and let this poor old man lie there in a pool of blood.
STU: Well, I did look the other way but I know he wasn't an old man and he wasn't in a pool of blood.
GLENN: That's your story, not what America heard.
STU: We all know how tough you are.
GLENN: Yeah, go ahead.
VOICE: Faster than a speeding tub of lard, more powerful than a strung-out supermodel and unable to leap anything because he's a giant ball of goo, it's Super Glenn.
VOICE: Oh, no. Oh, would you look at that? That is so, so sad. That woman is being assaulted. If that doesn't stop, there's a chance that my Porter house could be upended. Oh, the horrors, I just don't have time for a chef to recook this not to mention the additional marination that would be needed. Then I'd have to rush to acupuncture and I could very easily trip over a homeless. Adam, Adam, please take care of this little tussle for me and then grab me another ramiken of au jus.
VOICE: Proving once again he doesn't just dress like a chick, he acts like one, too.
GLENN: Let me tell you something. At least in that scenario the woman's saved.
STU: I agree. It just has nothing to do with you.
GLENN: In the end Super Glenn, I believe let's check the episode again. In the end didn't Super Glenn say, "Adam, go take care of that."
STU: I could say Adam, go take care of it. He doesn't listen to me.
GLENN: That's the point. That's exactly right because you are too busy running and crying like a little girl.
STU: But I'm just saying that I don't think that you pointing to Adam to do stuff for you is really that manual.
GLENN: Got another episode? I just proved this episode --
VOICE: Faster than a speeding tub of lard, more powerful than a strung-out supermodel and unable to leap anything because he's a giant ball of goo, it's Super Glenn.
VOICE: Oh, oh, my. Oh, my. Would you look at that. Toddler tossing. Mmm, throwing toddlers into incoming traffic. That is a shame. Adam, stop buffing my toenails for a second and look over there. Over there. If there was only a hero that could stop this, or someone with the vision to hire someone to stop it. Adam, my cuticles can wait. Attack the perps, as soon as you grab me one more diet Seltzer, please, with lime. Thank you.
VOICE: It's Super Glenn to the rescue proving once and for all that he doesn't just dress like a chick, he acts like one, too.
GLENN: I don't get pedicures, I don't drink Seltzer.
STU: You most certainly do.
GLENN: I do not.
STU: You don't drink Seltzer. You drink diet Seltzer.
GLENN: I don't drink Seltzer and never anything with lime. And again, Super Glenn to the rescue. Adam, go kill him. In fact, let me try this out.
VOICE: Faster than a speeding tub of lard. More powerful than a strung-out supermodel, and unable to leap anything because he's a giant ball of goo, it's Super Glenn.
VOICE: Oh. Oh, no. Will you look at all this? Crime is out of control. That person was just robbed. That person was just stabbed. That person was just cannibalized. Oh, that's it. Adam, stop cleaning out my individual pores for a moment and kill everyone in the city. Just put them out of their misery. Plus, it will clear up traffic when I drive home, or when you drive me home. Speaking of home, will you read me that bedtime story again? You know the one about the new wheat disease that brings a new era of pestilence? I love that one.
VOICE: It's super Glenn to the rescue proving once and for all that he doesn't just dress like a chick, he acts like one, too.
GLENN: Are you seriously trying to tell me that if Adam killed everybody in New York, it wouldn't be a better place?
STU: Well, that's a very good point.
GLENN: All right. Thank you. Super Glenn has done it again.
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