GLENN: Barack Obama, John McCain. Two candidates, one winner. The Battle of the Headlines is about to begin. First here’s the pregame analysis with Ted Stantley and Gary Beckers.

STU: I tell you, Gary, it’s been an unbelievable day, a huge twist in the 2008 presidential campaign. Of course that ad with John McCain attacking Paris Hilton and now something that could change everything.

DAN: That’s right, Ted. Paris Hilton has tossed her hat into the ring and now she’s running for President.

STU: And she sure looks… pretty good.

DAN: You got that right, Ted. I mean, she looks really, really good.

STU: Have you looked closely?

DAN: Pretty hot.

STU: Have you zoomed in at all? I tell you she has my vote (laughing).

VOICE: The battle starts right now with today’s headlines.

GLENN: I think this is overproduced. Here’s headline number one, John McCain: McCain’s green eyed monster. Headline number two for John McCain: McCain’s jab, nothing for him to smile about. Headline number three: Black reporter booted from McCain rally. Headline number four: McCain speaks at big motorcycle rally. And headline number four: McCain opposes farm policies popular in the Midwest.

VOICE: It’s time for halftime analysis with our own Ted Stantley and Gary Beckers.

STU: I tell you what an amazing first half. Did you see the bathing suit Paris Hilton was wearing?

DAN: I saw it. Did you see the glow of her skin? It just looked so smooth.

STU: I certainly wanted to grab her inappropriately.

DAN: That’s interesting, Ted, I tell you what, she sure grabbed my vote (laughing). Roadways voice the second half starts now. Once again, here’s Glenn Beck.

GLENN: I don’t think I understand this. Here’s Obama headline number one: Barack Obama, a candidate apart. What does that even mean? Headline number two: Scarlet red faced over Obama e mails. Headline number three: Obama on energy: I’ll fix the problem. If there’s just a man like Putin. Headline number three: Is Jesse Jackson motivated by jealousy towards Obama. And headline number four: Obama faces his own Reagan question.

VOICE: Once again Barack Obama comes out on top. Gee, what a frickin’ surprise.