GLENN BECK PROGRAM
GLENN: Let me ask you this. Have you been to the department store here in New York called Barney’s?
STU: I’m going to go no on that.
GLENN: Okay. This is the big department store that is now owned by the Chinese.
GLENN: Do not try to eat any of their clothing.
STU: Dipped in lead?
White Christmas? Why bother when you can have a Green Holiday!
GLENN: Covered in lead paint. But Barney’s, or is it Dubai? I think it’s China. Not sure. It’s one of those countries I don’t really trust.
STU: Is there any country you trust, though? I mean, you’re Glenn Beck. You don’t trust our country.
GLENN: Never had bad chocolate from Switzerland.
STU: All right.
GLENN: They even had that big suspicious horn that they are dragging around…
STU: The Ricola horn.
GLENN: Yes, they have that horn. Do you trust somebody coming into your — what, it’s just a horn that I use on a mountainside. I think I’d put that person away. I’m sorry. I’ll going to need to spend some more time with your paperwork. I don’t think I have a reason to trust Switzerland, but I do, yes.
STU: So you’ve got Switzerland.
GLENN: I have Switzerland. Let’s not dwell on this because I don’t know how many more I can name.
STU: This is about it.
GLENN: But I want you to go to — I wouldn’t have a problem if Switzerland owned Barney’s department store because they would have good chocolate.
STU: Oh, no, Sweden owns Ikea, right?
GLENN: I don’t know.
STU: How do you feel about the Swedes? Volvos, Ikea, loganberry juice?
GLENN: May I just say this about — is that where?
STU: It’s always in every Ikea I go to. It’s the only place it’s ever been sold is at an Ikea. It’s a furniture store. Why am I buying juice there?
GLENN: May I tell you something about the Dutch or the Swedes? What were we talking about?
STU: I think the Swedes and the Switzerlandese which I think is the official —
GLENN: The Dutch and the — they are the same?
STU: Not even close.
GLENN: It’s like New Jersey and New York. It’s the same thing. They’re both corrupt, right?
STU: So you are saying the Swedes are corrupt?
GLENN: Have you been to an Ikea, the meatballs, they make you buy furniture that you don’t want to buy.
STU: Why am I buying meatballs and juice at a furniture store?
GLENN: I have no idea.
STU: Meatballs in large quantities, too. You are not getting four meatballs. You are getting pounds and pounds of Swedish meatballs at a store where you are buying futons. It makes no sense.
GLENN: May I just point out that in the morning — this is what this started out as. Somebody said let’s make Swedish meatballs at the furniture store and somebody else said, that’s a stupid idea; nobody’s going to want meatballs at the furniture store. And the first guy on that first day, his ass was on the line. And so one customer came for lunch, he knew he had to get rid of the meatballs and he was like, yeah, you want meatballs from the furniture store? And they’re like, yeah, I guess; my wife has been dragging them around forever. Anything. Just whatever. I was thinking about eating an ottoman a little while ago but then meatballs has actual meat in it? And then the guy behind the counter said, well, I’m not really sure but ya, ya, sure. So then he takes the meatballs and he has to put them on a huge plate because he has to get rid of them. Otherwise, you know, the big Swede is going to say that was the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. And so now that one fat guy who had the big bowl of meatballs now buys all of his furniture there and has told all of his fat friends, buy your furniture there because your wife will walk around and you’ll have an hour worth of eating meatballs and that’s what happened.
STU: I may go to Snopes on this one.
GLENN: Don’t do that.
STU: That is true, that is the guy paradise in Ikea because they just lump meatballs on your plate while your wife does the shopping.
GLENN: Too much food shaped like a snow flake. Men do not eat anything besides a Christmas cookie shaped like a snow flake.
STU: Name one food that they have at Ikea that’s shaped like a snow flake.
GLENN: Oh, all of their food is —
STU: Just one. I don’t need all. Just one.
GLENN: One of those Waffle Hoffen Floffers.
GLENN: There’s no Waffle Hoffen Floffers there.
STU: That’s not a word. No language there’s not a word that equates.
GLENN: They make their furniture out of the same wood they make their shoes out of.
STU: Again that is another country again.
GLENN: No, it’s not. They are the same country.
STU: Again you’re totally off.
GLENN: Hey, let me ask you this. New Jersey, New Jersey, New York, same country?
GLENN: Yes, thank you. My point has been made.
STU: No, it’s not made at all.
GLENN: Yes, it is. They were smart when they made wooden shoes because they had the floods all the time. Little boy, keep your finger in the frickin’ dike! And the little boy was like, no, no, that George Bush is blowing it up, he’s on the other side in goggles and he’s trying to blow up the dike! Keep the finger in the dike!
And while he was there, and we all know what happened to him. He was killed in that tragic dike explosion done by the Bush administration. But everybody else, sure, a lot of them may have died, they lost their house, they lost their money, they lost everything, they lost their jobs, their livelihood but they didn’t lose their shoes. Why? Because they made them out of wood and the wood floated. That was genius in, like, 1601! Now, not a good idea. Move on. And any country whose main export is a tulip.
STU: What country are you talking? You are all over the place. You are all over Europe.
GLENN: No, I’m not.
STU: Yes, you are.
GLENN: Same country.
STU: No, they’re not the same country at all.
GLENN: Really? European Union.
STU: You’re like a student traveler saying as hostels. You’re all over the stupid country. You have no idea where you are and you’ve been drunk for most of your life. All three of those are true, by the way.
GLENN: You got me there.
Okay. So anyway, you’ve got to go to Barney’s which I believe is owned by China or Dubai.
STU: Are those the same countries?
GLENN: Pretty much.
STU: Am I allowed into Barney’s because I think you have to make 24 figures to walk into that store.
GLENN: No, you have to walk — Barney’s, the thing is any store in New York that has paparazzi that hangs out at it, you know it’s a store that’s going to piss you off. Not just because the price. You’re like, it’s a T-shirt, man. It’s a T-shirt. No, this is not just any T-shirt. This is a white 100% cotton T-shirt. It’s $800! Yes, it is, and it is on sale. Usually it’s $1,000.
STU: See, I feel like Barney’s would be a little too stodgy for paparazzi. I feel like you’re going to get like — it doesn’t feel like —
GLENN: No, it has paparazzi.
STU: A young trendy store.
GLENN: They have paparazzi because that’s when Johnny Depp comes in from.
STU: He goes to Barney’s? I feel like he goes to a little boutique.
GLENN: They are all frauds.
STU: Let me ask you this. Any flash bulbs going off?
GLENN: So what I’d like you to do —
STU: Right here, you can take the picture right here. You can walk —
GLENN: Hey, they didn’t know I was coming, all right? Adam went ahead and announced but they probably didn’t hear. Anyway, so I have to send you out with a Flip video. Are you in the city today or are you leaving right away?
STU: I have to leave today.
GLENN: Okay. On Monday you’ve got to go. In fact, let’s do this on Monday’s show.
GLENN: And then you can just, you can videotape it and then we’ll show it on the TV show that night. It is the Barney’s windows. This is the big thing, you know, in New York. They do all the windows, you know, for Christmas. Barney’s is environmentally friendly and it is the Christmas Story but all in recycled stuff and all about global warming and Al Gore’s like a little elf with a thermometer and it moves.
STU: No, that didn’t happen.
GLENN: Oh, yes, it did. No, I got a picture right here. See him with the little pointed ears? That’s an actual photo, which is weird. But it is — yeah. And like the little elf is on a giant mushroom but it’s an organic mushroom. But here’s — wait. If you think it’s bad…
STU: I do. I do think it’s bad.
GLENN: I’m dreaming of a, fill in the blank.
STU: Of white Christmas.
GLENN: What do you think it would be?
STU: Please don’t tell me it’s a green Christmas.
GLENN: Go ahead and say it. Stu, a fun Christmas?
STU: I’m dreaming of a green Christmas.
GLENN: No, no, no, no. That’s what you would think it is.
GLENN: If you were going to be on the bandwagon of the, you know, hip new movement and, you know, politically correct.
STU: Did they admit what it really is and say it’s a red Christmas?
GLENN: Green and red go together; happy holidays.
STU: They do, don’t they?
GLENN: Here’s the thing, Stu. It’s I’m not dreaming of a green Christmas. I’m dreaming of a green holiday.
STU: Oh, no!
GLENN: It couldn’t —
STU: Shut up!
GLENN: It couldn’t make it any worse. I’m dreaming of a green holiday.
STU: That is agonizing.
GLENN: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
STU: We’ll do them Monday?
GLENN: Yeah, recycled reindeer with empty soda can antlers, an Army of garden Gnome-like elves, one of them brandishes a Menorah. They celebrate as you walk by the store windows, they celebrate the green days of Christmas with the twelve tons of tofu, eleven solar panels and a Prius in a pear tree (singing). We have to call and complain. Why would you park a car in a tree? Don’t you know that damages the environment? Trees are living things. You wouldn’t park a Prius in a tree. We should complain. They’ve made snowflakes out of soda cans. They seem to be drinking a lot of — they also have metro card carpets and the Santa’s —
STU: Metro card carpets?
GLENN: Yeah, made out of metro cards.
STU: Subway passes here in New York City? Why would that have anything to do with the environment?
GLENN: Because you’re using public transport.
STU: No, seriously what would be —
GLENN: Could I just get to the really important part?
GLENN: Okay, while you’re dreaming of a green holiday? You don’t want to go to Santa’s workshop, do you?
STU: I don’t think I do.
GLENN: Okay. Why not? Seriously why not?
STU: Oh, my God, don’t tell me.
GLENN: No, guess.
STU: If you tell me it’s because the North Pole is Melted.
GLENN: Nope, it’s not.
STU: That’s good.
GLENN: Are you sure it’s good? Because I have the answer, okay? You wouldn’t want to go to Santa’s workshop.
GLENN: No, you wouldn’t want to go to Santa’s workshop.
STU: Why wouldn’t I want to go to Santa’s workshop.
GLENN: Who does he employ?
GLENN: What does he pay them?
GLENN: So Santa’s workshop is not Santa’s workshop. Santa’s workshop is Santa’s fair trade sweatshop.
STU: Shut up! This is a bit.
GLENN: I cannot, I cannot live on this island. It is the island of misfit toys and nobody wants in the box. It is the island of misfit toys. It is the most bizarre freakish collection of what they call people on planet Earth.
STU: Yeah, do you want Charlie in a box, you know, controlling the media? Do you want everyone from — the island of misfit toys was a cute little thing in the Christmas special.
STU: This is people, the rich and the powerful. It’s Charlie in the box winning the world.
GLENN: Hang on just a second. Hang on just a second. They’ve done one other thing just to round it all out. What is the one thing that’s missing from this so far? What’s the one politically correct thing that’s missing?
STU: I don’t —
GLENN: The only color is green. So they have had the East Harlem school participate and paint paintings but it’s a painting — of course, when you think of Christmas and the holidays, you think of paintings of Mother Earth. That’s got to be on videotape. We’ll cover all of that on Monday and, of course, we might send Stu in to complain to Barney’s about the tree in the Prius or the Prius in the tree. We’ll do that on Monday.