GLENN: Santa 109.9, all your Christmas music all the time, warming your holiday hearts and hearths with Christmas music all season long. You know, I just wanted to take a minute and remind you for listening to Santa 109.9 that this isn’t about shopping and mistletoe. We at Santa 109.9 want to take a moment to ask you to take a moment that Christmas is a celebration that’s something very special, celebration of the birth of Jesus and even if you’re not a Christian, everybody can come together and celebrate the spirit of selflessness, giving and charity that the life of Jesus embodied. All right. Back to all your favorite Christmas music and merry Christmas from Santa 109.9.

(Music playing).

GLENN: Hello?

STU: Are you kidding me?

GLENN: Hotline. Who is this?

STU: This is the program director. Are you kidding me with that?

GLENN: With what?

The Glenn Beck Christmas Tour begins December 1st…

STU: Did I interrupt your prayers or something? I’m sorry for calling.

GLENN: What are you talking about?

STU: Did you just say the word Jesus on the air?

GLENN: Yeah.

STU: On the radio you did that?


STU: Are you trying to get us to lose our license?

GLENN: What are you talking about? Jesus, you know, has a little something to do with the holiday that we’re playing all the Christmas music. I thought it might be actually nice to acknowledge.

STU: Are you crazy? Have you ever heard of the separation of church and state?

STU: Hold on just a second. We’re not a church and we’re not a state. So — 

STU: Just go online and read the Declaration of Independence and maybe you’ll understand.

GLENN: The separation of church and state isn’t in the Declaration of Independence, it’s not in the Constitution, it’s not in any federal document. Hang on just a second. What song is that?

Santa 109.9, all your favorite Christmas music all season long. By the way, I just want to make a note here. A minute ago I apparently made a mistake. I’m told now that Christmas has nothing to do with a baby being born. It’s all about you and your family buying as much crap as possible and ignoring your family, you know, to go back to the malls on December 26 and return all the crap that they just bought on Black Friday. It’s Santa 109.9.

(Music playing)

GLENN: All right. Are you there?

STU: That was not funny.

GLENN: You’re right. I’m just making a point on how ridiculous you are.

STU: Can you still dump the audio feed?

GLENN: No, I can’t.

STU: There’s another FCC violation on our tabs.

GLENN: FCC violation, what do you mean an FCC violation.

STU: You just said the C word on the air.

GLENN: If I said the C word, my wife would come in from the other side of the planet and shoot necessity in the face.

STU: I just heard it.

GLENN: Christmas is now offensive?

STU: Of course it is. It’s those that celebrate Kwanzaa, and Lent, too.

GLENN: What was the one before Lent?

STU: You’re going to ask me to repeat that one? Out of all of them, up me to repeat that one?

GLENN: I’ve never heard. This is a Christmas music station. How can I not say Christmas on a Christmas music station?

STU: Just massage it.

GLENN: What do you mean massage it?

STU: You are the professional. Just massage it a little bit. Do your magic. If I can it out. Geez.

GLENN: Well, merry holiday here at Santa 109.9. Well, boys and girls, remember it’s that time of year again when jolly old St. Nick comes down the chimney and brings you all sorts of December 25th presents and puts them underneath the winter tree and it’s great. And all the winter traditions that we all are talking about and remembering so fondly now. Hey, and don’t forget, leave Santa, you know, leave Santa a little chocolate chip cookie or something, a little milk to say thank you, Santa, we’re thinking about you.

Now more music about snow and presents here on Santa 109.9.

(Music playing).

All right, I’ve got to tell you this is ridiculous.

STU: Hey, why not just throw in the musics about snow, presents and candy canes.

GLENN: Unbelievable. What are you — 

STU: We’ve got a major problem here.

GLENN: What do you mean we’ve got a major. You are right we have a major problem. My boss doesn’t let me say a word on Christmas on a Christmas music station.

STU: Huh? Oh, no, no, not that. I’m talking about the complaint calls.

GLENN: What are you — 

STU: From the parents about how you are encouraging obesity in children.

GLENN: What are you talking about?

STU: You might as well talk about candy canes, you are leaving out milk and cookies for Santa?

GLENN: It’s Christmas. That’s what you do. Christmas, kids eat cookies at Christmas, candy canes. You put them on the tree. You eat them all Christmas. That’s what you do as a kid.

STU: That’s child abuse.

GLENN: Child abuse?

STU: Did you know that every one third of a second, 500,000 children die from prepackaged candy or baked good-related obesity in our state alone?

GLENN: No, they don’t. Where did you get that stat?

STU: This guy. Look, I need you to go back and retract that last statement.

GLENN: Retract what statement?

STU: Just say you’re sorry for what you did and present some healthy alternative. Smooth it over.

GLENN: Hold on just a second.

(Music playing.)

GLENN: It’s Santa 109.9 FM and I’d like to take a minute here to apologize for killing so many innocent children at this time of year. I didn’t realize thousands of children die because of this holiday and so instead of candy canes this winter solstice, you might want to try slightly bending a celery stalk for the kids. They will enjoy it. It’s fun. Perhaps maybe leave Santa a little soy milk, broccoli nuggets, not deep fried, glass of organic skim milk maybe instead of the cookies so that — two glasses of milk and broccoli. And don’t forget to drive to the store and get Santa a get-well card for his upcoming stomach stapling surgery because he’s fat. It’s Santa 109.9.

Hey, PC idiot?

STU: Yeah?

GLENN: Do you realize that half the songs I play say Christmas in the song?

STU: Yeah, but people don’t listen to lyrics of these songs. How do you think we get away with marketing gangster rap to 12-year-olds?

GLENN: That’s a good point.

STU: It’s easy. Don’t talk about Christmas or in any circumstance insult a second place women’s basketball team and you should be fine.

GLENN: I understand that one.

STU: Look. Now all you have to do is understand how you are killing the planet.

GLENN: Wait a minute. I’m sorry. What? I’m killing the planet?

STU: You just told people to drive to the store and get Santa a card. Have you seen an Inconvenient Truth?

GLENN: Oh, no, don’t get into the Inconvenient Truth.

STU: Did you know that two graphs have moved at relatively the same direction for over 100 years? Were you aware that every time you turn on a light bulb, seven parrots slit their throat in Australia with their beaks. Did you know every time you start an automobile, 14 llamas contract HIV.

GLENN: What is the point of the call?

STU: I think you know the point. We can all make a difference. Every radio station and television station across America can do something for the environment like changing their logo to green or talking about things that grow.

GLENN: I don’t — 

STU: Or turning off your heat in the coldest months to save CO2 emissions and lower the population.

GLENN: Okay, all right. Would you do me a favor?

STU: Yeah, yeah, of course.

GLENN: I want you to listen this to next break.

STU: Is it going to be about the environment?

GLENN: I want you to just listen to this next break because I think it’s everything that you dream.

STU: Oh, this is great.

GLENN: I think this is going to be something that you are going to really — 

STU: Because I was watching TV and they old me that I can do something to help the environment. I can’t wait to hear it. It’s going to be really good.

GLENN: Hang on. I think the record’s about over.

STU: Sounds like it’s about in the middle. Are you just talking in the middle?

GLENN: Because somebody didn’t write enough material to hold the whole song.

STU: Material to hold the song?

GLENN: Hold on. Here it is. Santa 109.9, and merry Christmas. Today we’re playing Christ music all day long. Well, it’s Christmas music but Christ is the first part of Christmas which is weird that we pronounce it. It must have been really early politically correct stuff, but merry Christmas and here’s all the music to celebrate the birth of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ who died for the sins of the world. Ain’t that great? Huh? Also we celebrate our time with our families and we get together and we do all kinds of great traditions like eating cookies and candy canes and we celebrate with a big fat man that comes into our house with a big carbon emitting sleigh and eats big huge fat chocolate chip cookies and drinks good old whole milk, not even skim milk. It came out of a glass bottle. And not even a recycled glass bottle. A glass bottle that after Santa drinks the whole milk in the glass bottle, we take it and we throw it in the fireplace! We just shatter the glass bottle for no apparent reason! That’s right. So hear me loud and clear. It’s not ha, ha, ha, it’s ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas from Santa 109.9.

VOICE: For most the holidays are a time of celebration to come together with your fellow man. However, not everyone has such a joyous holiday. That’s why your friends at the big frog and Santa 109.9 have put together a special phone number. If you find yourself in a state of depression this holiday season, please call and talk to one of our celebrity counselors like Flap Jackson, Fluffy McNugget and Rowdy Rank Musterson. Get kind words from one of your friends here at Santa 109.9 who remind you this holiday season, don’t kill yourself.