GLENN: Denise is a woman who went into a convenience store and just got a — she buys a lotto ticket. The next morning she gets up, she’s looking through the newspaper and she sees the lotto numbers. She thinks to herself, it’s got to be a misprint, it can’t be right. It was right. Number 1, 10, 22, 24, 29, 39, overnight. She won $28.52 million. Next she wanted to jump for joy and say I’m rich, but she was estranged from her husband. They were separated. She takes her lotto ticket and puts it right in the safety deposit box. She puts it in the safety deposit box. On her way home she calls an attorney: Hey, I need a quick divorce. Well, how fast do you need it? Right away. The lawyer calls the husband. "Want a divorce?" Yes. We can do this right away. You want to do it right away? Yes. They get a divorce. And two weeks go by. Two weeks and one day, she goes into the safety deposit box, opens it up, goes up to Tallahassee and she claims her $28 million. She tells the kids, we’re rich, kids; mom just won the lottery. They move into a house. $650,000 house, gated community but you got $28 million. $652,000 house isn’t all that. She moves the kids into the house; they’re great. Two years go by; nothing, not a problem. Until two guys are sitting in a bar and another man is sitting down at a school, down a couple of stools and he’s just listening to the two guys talk. The one guy says, did you hear about that woman who screwed her husband out of $28 million? Then the guy says, no, what are you talking about? He says, $28 million. She got a lottery ticket. She put it into the safety deposit box and she divorced her husband. "I love you, best friend I’ve ever had. I’d never do that if I… (mumbling)." Meanwhile the guy down a couple of schools says, can you tell me this story again? Well, the guy sitting a couple of stools down decides he’s going to look into this. He finds the ex-husband. Story’s true. And you didn’t get a dime? No. Never offered it to you? No. You know you’re owed half of that money. "I love you, man." So he takes out a piece of paper and he says, here, I tell you what, I need you to sign this. What is it? You sign it and it means I get 35% of everything you get. Well, that sounds like a deal because I ain’t got nothing now." Take the wife to court; he wins. Take the wife to court and he’s taking a butt load of money home. She still has a lot of money. Husband’s got a lot of money. The guy sitting down, a couple of stools down just listening to the two guys talking in the bar, he’s got a butt load of money, too.


Wife hides lottery win, divorces husband quickly

‘Case has money, greed, betrayal. All the elements of a soap opera’

Normally I would say, this kind of stinks. The guy — I mean, she shouldn’t have done that. She should have split it with the husband. You don’t get a quickly divorce so you don’t have to split it with the husband. That’s shady. She knew what she was doing. Legally it belongs, half belongs to the husband. Even though that kills me to say it, that’s the way it should be. That’s the way the law is.

The second part is it kills me that a guy who’s just hearing the story gets 35% of it, but here’s the worst part of the story. The husband, do you know why he wanted a divorce so quickly? Because he had separated from his wife two weeks after they were divorced, he married his girlfriend — I’m not kidding you — her name is Toots. I don’t think I’m all for Toots getting the, you know, $14 million. I don’t know about you. Is it just me? Stu?

STU: I mean, I think I agree with you morally that she doesn’t deserve it and I mean, I don’t know if there’s a great person in this story but, like, the guy, he’s a dirtbag. So I would root against him in every case. But legally, I mean, when you have — she had the ticket in her possession, it becomes communal property of the marriage. So whether — I mean, you can’t — that’s like she’s lying when they get divorced by claiming she doesn’t have $28 million. I mean, she really could be charged with that, couldn’t she? I’m no lawyer, Glenn.

DAN: She didn’t have $28 million.

STU: It’s really worth $750,000. You’d have to claim, I would think, some sort of value to that, what the actual value is in the divorce.

GLENN: The great thing is, the great thing is he didn’t win a lot of money. She gets $1.4 million every year, lump sum. She’s got to pay taxes on that. So under Hillary Clinton she’ll get about $14.

STU: Check your rates, Glenn. It’s a little less than that.

GLENN: A little less than that?

STU: Yeah.

GLENN: All right. So she’s getting it $1.4 million for the next 20 years. She had to pay a lump sum of $300,000 to him and then $57,000 a year for the next 15 years, one for every year of their marriage. So it’s pretty much alimony. The guy sitting at the bar gets $19,500 a year. That’s $20,000 a year just for sitting and listening to a story in the bar.

STU: Yeah, the only guy who you really like in the store is the guy at the bar because it’s just American ingenuity. He tracks the guy down, he files the lawsuit, does all the research, gets all that crap done and then gets a nice big fat commission, or $35,000 and he did no legitimate —

GLENN: I don’t think I like him, either.

STU: I like him.

GLENN: That’s not earning it.

STU: Yes, it is.

GLENN: No, it’s not.

STU: He provided a service to this guy. He got this guy —

GLENN: That’s not creation of wealth. That is shifting of wealth.

STU: Stop the crap.

GLENN: That’s a lawsuit.

STU: What do you mean stop with lawsuits? This woman lied about how much money she had in a divorce. He deserved the money.

GLENN: Here you go.

STU: She helped facilitate that. That’s a transaction that is worth money to the guy and this guy makes money for it.

GLENN: Here’s the next. It’s transfer of wealth. It’s not creating wealth.

STU: Oh, stop it. Oh, stop it. Oh, God, that’s just irritating.

DAN: So power brokers shouldn’t make any money, these guys that broker these big deals?

STU: No, there’s no value there. They didn’t create a widget. Oh, no. Oh, God, do we live in a capitalist system. Oh, God. Oh, stop with that stuff. That’s a valuable service he provided.

GLENN: I wish you’d stop taking the Lord’s name in vain.

STU: Did I?

GLENN: Now here’s — like 600 times. Here’s the next thing.

STU: Sorry.