What made Glenn want to hang himself?

Operation Porchlight

GLENN: We’re bailing out states. California is now today starting to issue IOUs. I don’t know about you, but I think they’re good for it. New York, New Jersey, Michigan, Massachusetts, Indiana, Arizona. States on the edge. Arizona may fold tomorrow. Indiana’s not far behind. New Jersey, well, New Jersey, they are turning things around because they have Operation Porchlight. Stu, I’m serious. I need somebody to teach me how to make a noose. I need rope and I need somebody to teach me how to make a noose. If I could learn how to make a noose, I may kill myself.

STU: The government won’t need to ask for volunteers on this one.

GLENN: They won’t.

STU: They will be flooding the ‑‑

GLENN: Send me a noose. Send me a noose so I can hang myself. What?

STU: I don’t want that we want nooses sent.

GLENN: You don’t want a noose sent?

STU: I don’t know, I just don’t know that we would want nooses sent. I don’t ‑‑ it doesn’t strike me ‑‑ I mean, I haven’t thought it through because you just brought it up.

GLENN: Right.

STU: But it doesn’t strike me as something we should do and it’s one of those things that, like, with the cap and trade ‑‑

GLENN: What, you think a noose is going to go off?

STU: Think of cap and trade ‑‑

GLENN: If I had a whole bunch of nooses, for every color, every occasion, I could go, I don’t know, I’m wearing a blue shirt today, give me the blue noose. And I could just hang myself with a blue noose.

STU: Like, for example ‑‑

GLENN: You want to go out fashionable.

STU: That’s true. You’ve got to match your outfits. You’ve got to accessorize but you figure there’s ‑‑ like yesterday we had people calling sand they called their representatives about the cap and trade bill. And they said, well, I haven’t read the whole bill yet, so I’m not sure where I’m going to come down. This is the thing, I haven’t thought this through fully yet ‑‑

GLENN: Send me a noose right now. Don’t think it through. Send me a noose. We’re going to get into all nice colors, I’d like it in different kinds of rope. Enough that I can just ‑‑ enough that I can get my feet up off the ground. That’s all I need. That’s all I need. Send a noose.

STU: Going to have to be ‑‑

GLENN: To the Glenn Beck program.

Evil Conservative Industries cares about conserving fuel – learn more…

STU: ‑‑ strong rope.

So Project Porchlight: Change within reach. This is what’s hanging now on doorknobs all across the State of New Jersey. It’s a little box. "Change a bulb and save. A CFL bulb uses up to 75 less energy than old‑fashioned bulbs. Save up to $30 in energy costs. Every light bulb change means less pollution, lower cost and reduced demand for electricity which means healthier, cleaner air, environmental and public health benefits. Be the light in your community. This lamp contains Mercury." Swear to you that’s what it says. And "being a light in your community" is smaller than "This lamp contains Mercury." So what it is is it’s a ‑‑ this is with tax dollars. By the way, this government money ‑‑

STU: Because this comes from, what, the New Jersey Board of ‑‑

GLENN: This comes from NJcleanenergy.com, the New Jersey board of public utilities.

STU: Government entity. Because that’s what the ‑‑ the overall organization is like a charity it seems like and then the ‑‑

GLENN: Oh, no. Wait a minute. You are not saying that this is a public/private partnership, do you?

STU: Yeah.

GLENN: Is this like ‑‑ this isn’t like ACORN, which is a public, you know ‑‑ I mean a private, you know, group, just a community organization that’s getting federal dollars to be able to go door to door and do things? That’s fantastic.

STU: No way.

GLENN: How much, how much money are we saving in New Jersey by spending money on these light bulbs? Think of the money we’re saving. This ‑‑ you know what? You know what I did this weekend? This weekend ‑‑ no, it was two weekends ago, I changed all of the fluorescent light bulbs on my front porch.

STU: You actually changed to fluorescent light bulbs?

GLENN: No, I changed from fluorescent light bulbs. I bought a smart house and then it had dumb lights in it and so I took the dumb lights out and I put the incandescent lights in.

STU: You actually went out ‑‑ because I know how work‑averse you are.

GLENN: Oh, no.

STU: You went outside.

GLENN: I did.

STU: You are outside‑averse as well.

GLENN: And I dropped one of the Mercury‑filled light bulbs and I just swept it off the porch and buried it right there by the well water.

STU: You didn’t use a vacuum cleaner, did you?

GLENN: No, uh‑uh.

STU: Okay, good. Because that would kill 25 people in Bangladesh.

GLENN: I know. So why I do that. But no, I took the light ‑‑ they were all working and I couldn’t take them anymore. I was tired of coming home. I had to change a couple of incandescent light bulbs because they burn out faster, use more energy, not as efficient, don’t last as long. And so I had to change them, and I actually did the right thing. You know every night, you know, when I tuck my kids in, I have them give me a seal hug which, they put their arms around me and then they kind of clap their arms, you know, on my back and they go arrr, arrr, arrr, arrr. That’s a seal otter. And then every night I say to them, who eats baby seals? And then they say, polar bearies. And then I, you know, I am teaching them that polar bears are bears! And they eat baby seals! Every night I do that.

STU: Right. Because most children in America right now, if they saw a polar bear, would go to hug it, then they die.

GLENN: My kids, they know polar bears will eat you and they will eat baby seals. You can’t save both. So now my son is a little older now. He’s 5, or about to be. So I decided it was time for some man work and I decided to teach him about the porch lights and so I said, we’re going to go change the porch lights. And he said, okay. I turn the porch lights on, middle of the day, and I opened up the porch lights which, by the way, were killing a lot of bugs because I opened up the little lantern thing. A lot of bugs had died from those lights.

STU: Where’s PETA.

GLENN: Where’s PETA on the light bulbs? I have no idea. So I took the dead insect, the animal graveyard, and I swept that into the bushes right where I later swept in the broken Mercury bulb and I gave my son the package of light bulbs and all the light bulbs were on, but you can take fluorescent light bulbs out because they don’t get hot. And my son’s ‑‑ I said, these are the bad light bulbs and he said, but Daddy, they work. And I said, yes, they do. But see the way they’re shaped? That’s the shape of a bad light bulb. See the new ones? And he said, yes. And I said, what do they look like? And he said round. And I said, yes; what do these look like? And he said, like squiggly lines. And I said yes, like rope, and bad things can happen with rope. And so I took the fluorescent light bulbs out and I said, now, give me the good light bulb. And I put the incandescent light bulb in there. And then I told him to be very, very careful with these bad light bulbs because if you drop one, everyone might die.&nbs p; He cried a little bit after I dropped one because I said, we’re immune from that; only the Earth is going to get very sick. That was my Project Porchlight. That’s what I did with my spare time and my son.

STU: And he didn’t cry when you said the Earth was going to get sick?

GLENN: Nope.

STU: He is your son.

GLENN: Nope. I said, the Earth will heal itself because the Earth is big, bigger than us. It would swallow us up and eat us if we would really be bad to it, and we’re not ‑‑ is it swallowing us up and eating us? "No, Daddy." That’s right. But who can swallow us and eat us? "Polar bears?" Yes.

STU: That story actually has more science in it than the climate bill.

GLENN: Well, there you go. So Stu, can you give me the ‑‑ did you do a two‑minute investigation on the light bulb?

STU: Yes, two‑minute investigation, Glenn.

GLENN: This is when Stu just does two minutes, just, I only give him two minutes to do the work. He’s got to do a quick two‑minute investigation, see if he can find out more than what anybody in the press has found out. Here’s our two‑minute investigation, Project Porchlight.

STU: Right. On the box it explains to everyone that if everyone in America changed just one incandescent light bulb to an energy‑star qualified CFL like this one in this fancy box with the rubber band, the reduction in pollution would be like taking 800,000 cars off American roads. And you might ask yourself, why would they express it like it’s 800,000 cars? Why not give us some actual representation instead of some crazy number, 800,000 cars? What does that even mean? Well, there’s a reason for that. Now remember, we’re talking about 100% of people, 100% going along with this program, 100%.

GLENN: So would that mean about 300 million light bulbs?

STU: Well, it would be I guess probably per household. So it’s probably less than that. But it’s 100% playing along with this. If you remember, about 94% of people believe we landed on the moon. So you realize how difficult that would be to do. But let’s just say magically we’re able to do it anyway. 800,000 cars. Well, there’s over 205 million cars in America, which means that if everyone did this, you’d save 0.4%, 0.4% of the emissions that come from cars in America.

GLENN: Wow. 0.4.

STU: 0.4% of the emissions that come from cars in America. Now remember, though, that cars are only about 20% of America’s emissions. So now we’re down to 0.08% of America’s emissions. But remember America is only about 20% of global emissions. Remember this is a global problem, Glenn.

GLENN: Right.

STU: Think locally but act locally or something like that. Something like that. So now we’re down to, the reason they say 800,000 cars in case you are wondering is because the other way they could say it is 0.016% of global emissions. If every household in America did what they are asking you for. By the way, that would be ‑‑

GLENN: That would what?

STU: I just can’t, I can’t believe in America, just in America you are talking ‑‑

GLENN: Give me the light bulb.

STU: I can’t.

GLENN: Give me the light bulb. I would like you to do another two minutes.

STU: Yes.

GLENN: I’d like you to find out how much money New Jersey or the federal government is giving to Project Porchlight.

STU: Usually they don’t put those things in a two‑minute access. There’s a reason why they don’t advertise that part of it on the front page.

GLENN: I’d like to find out onechange.org. I’d like to find out, simple actions matter. How about some transparency? I would love to know exactly how much money the State of New Jersey is giving to some community group to hand out light bulbs for free. Remember, who eats baby seals.