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GLENN: I’m glad you’re here. Boy, the state of the union is happening tonight and I’m all a tingle. No, seriously I am.
PAT: This is like a Super Bowl for me.
GLENN: Is it?
PAT: It’s yes, yes. I look forward to this, you know, mainly for the ads that play during it because they’re always so creative.
GLENN: Yeah. I really, I don’t think there are any ads. I really like the… (applause)… from half of the crowd and then the other half stands up
PAT: Or stands? Great. With their hands firmly clasped? It’s good.
GLENN: It’s about three minutes of information jam packed into an hour and a half and there’s nothing better than a waste of your night like that. So what we’re going to do is we’re going to watch it for you and then we’re going to give it to you tomorrow in small little doses but on tomorrow’s program more importantly I’m going to give you the state of the union address that he should have given which includes all of the corrections that he has. First
PAT: How do you know there are going to be?
PAT: How do you know?
STU: He might be accurate.
PAT: He might be dead on. This might be the speech
GLENN: So when he says I’m going to freeze spending because it will save $250 billion over the next ten years… (applause). Yes. Yes, my progressive friends, I’m going to save $250 billion a year, I’m sure he’s not going to go into the rundown that I, of course, will go into that that’s $25 billion a year and that’s like somebody making $50,000 a year, what, having somebody else buy them four Big Macs in a ten year period? (Applause)
STU: Yeah, I love Big Macs. Throw in a snack wrap.
PAT: Big Macs we didn’t have before, you know, appeared I didn’t have to buy them.
STU: Does anyone believe he is actually going to freeze the spending, though? This is another example of what you always talk about.
GLENN: I do.
STU: Really? Because to me it’s one of those things whether he says it, we argue whether it’s a big deal or a small deal and ignore the fact he’s not going to do it. By the time he leaves office, all of that will be spent either in other places or in the exact places he said he froze. (Applause). Thank you! Thank you! Good night, everybody!
GLENN: No, I think that he will actually freeze it because what he did is he rose everything up by double digits last year. If I were him, I would have done exactly what he did which is, let’s while nobody’s watching, let’s just run the cost of this government through the absolute roof. Then when the pressure is on, I’m going to look like a big, I’m going to look like, you know, a big fiscal conservative. I say, I’m freezing spending where it’s at today (applause) and then I don’t have to point out that I ran it up in double digits last year, even the places where it didn’t need to be run up. I mean, all of the places, I can find money everywhere.
STU: Don’t, don’t clap.
PAT: Oh, I’m sorry.
STU: That’s not an appropriate time to clap.
GLENN: No, I think it is, I think it is for a lot of people in congress. (Applause)
STU: Yes, yes.
GLENN: My progressive friends, are you right?
STU: You are, woo!
GLENN: So Ingle freeze it. Ingle freeze it. You know, but everything is, again, freezing it will save $250 billion over ten years. Over ten years. He’s only freezing it for three. Why are we counting it for ten?
STU: Wait, why did he say he was freezing it for three? Wow, yeah! Three years (applause).
GLENN: I mean
STU: Seven years of nonfrozenness.
GLENN: Why is he saying that? Why doesn’t he say it will save $75 billion?
STU: You know why it’s not going to remain frozen? Global warming. Thank you, thank you! (Applause)
GLENN: No, stop, stop. No, we’ve taken over GM. We’ve nationalized GM. So we’re going to have cars that run, you know, on, I don’t know, stamps.
STU: Yeah! Beets and stamps, beets and… (applause)
GLENN: Stop, stop, no. Beets require watering. Watering requires pumping it out of the ground or taking it out of the rivers or the streams. No. Beets are bad; stamps are good. (Applause)
STU: Stamps are good!
PAT: Stamps! Stamp energy! Stamp fuel!
GLENN: Oh, man. So that’s going to be good stuff. That’s going to be good stuff tonight.
PAT: And we have to, we have to it’s, really our job depends on it, it requires it. I hate this night.
GLENN: I do, too.
PAT: Because it’s so hard to get through.
STU: I’m really considering watching it.
PAT: I’d love to not watch it but I have to. I have to. And it’s so painful.
GLENN: America, here’s the thing. We’ll watch it so you don’t have to.
PAT: That’s an amazing sacrifice.
GLENN: It is.
GLENN: Go have a life!
STU: Well, couldn’t I also get into that deal?
STU: I mean, if you guys are going to watch it, I don’t have to watch it. You are going to tell me all about it.
PAT: There must be shared sacrifice among the three of us (applause), shared sacrifice for all on the Glenn Beck program.
STU: The greater good!
GLENN: Wait a minute, wait a minute. We’re in the Obama administration now. Pat, you are married. How many kids do you have? 1400?
PAT: And 55. 1455.
GLENN: I’ve got like 700 kids myself.
GLENN: I’m tired all the time.
PAT: Good point.
GLENN: I’m working all the time.
PAT: Good point.
GLENN: Stu doesn’t have any points.
STU: Thank you, thank you. I know what causes it, make sure it doesn’t occur. Sorry.
GLENN: Hold on just a second. That’s your wife that’s making sure that’s not occurring with you.
STU: Good point.
GLENN: He’s young, he’s got a hot wife.
PAT: All the time in the world, nothing to do.
GLENN: He’s got all the time in the world. I believe we redistribute the fun.
GLENN: He’s got more fun than he needs!
PAT: Redistribute the fun, redistribute the fun, redistribute the fun…
GLENN: We take some of the fun that he has in his life and give it to us! (Applause)
GLENN: We deserve more fun.
PAT: Yes, yes!
STU: This is not what our founders intended.
GLENN: To hell with the Constitution!
GLENN: I say you have to watch this damn thing tonight so Pat and I can go have some fun!
GLENN: We take some of your fun away.
GLENN: Make your life a living hell.
GLENN: And then it really doesn’t work for us because we’re still with the wife and family with the kids going, "I didn’t do my homework, I need help with my homework, I got a problem, she’s touching me! "
PAT: I’m watching the state of the union address today! Yeah! (Applause) I’m sharing the burden with Stu!
GLENN: I’m taking the burden on myself. Honey, I shhh, shhh, I gotta go in here and… (snoring). I mean, watch the state of the union.