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GLENN: Listen, here’s the thing about Beck University. I just want you to know that it’s clearly an actual Ivy League university.
PAT: Oh, yeah.
GLENN: There’s been like the — what?
STU: I didn’t realize it was Ivy League. I just thought it was absolutely —
PAT: No, it went right into Ivy League.
GLENN: Ivy League. We have our own bowling league and we’ve — I’ve planted some ivy out front.
GLENN: Ivy League. There’s a — let’s see if I can find this. I love this. There’s a — this one’s from the Daily News. Glenn Beck launches online school, Beck University. And then they have a — then they have a poll. Would you sign up to take classes via Beck’s school? Yes, it will be a real education. No, he has nothing to teach me. I love that. And then do I have the one — yeah, here’s this one. It’s a big picture of me at Liberty University and this is from the LA Times: Glenn Beck fusing paranoia with questionable conclusions based on spurious facts at an online university? That’s…
GLENN: I love these people. And you know what? The people who have an actual university degree are actually thinking that we think that this is a real university. It’s $9.95 a month for the Insider Extreme. This is an added benefit. You get some classes. You don’t get anything else. What a bunch of dopes.
STU: Right. Because people signed up for Insider Extreme at $9.95 a month or much less if you buy it over a longer period of time. And then this was added and no increased cost went to that.
STU: Which means that the Beck University is completely —
PAT: So I could get a four year tuition?
PAT: For $9.95 a month or less?
GLENN: Yes. You live here on campus.
PAT: On campus?
GLENN: On campus.
GLENN: Now listen —
STU: Free room and board?
PAT: Does it include all football games as well?
GLENN: And bowling.
PAT: And bowling?
GLENN: And bowling. Now listen, here’s the thing that I want you to — shut the music off for a second. I have — I have another announcement for Insider Extreme that I want the media to — I want the media to hear. No, no, stop, stop. Now you are making it into a clown show. We’ll do that next.
GLENN: All right. So stop the music for a second. In fact, do you have anything appropriate for this announcement? Not a lot of people, not a lot of people can do this but now that we’ve launched Beck University and people know that I am a doctor, doctor of humanities, I want you to know that I’m also launching today Beck Hospital. It’s a —
GLENN: It’s mainly a surgery center where as it — and I can do this. I want you to know that Jeffy or Sarah or Stu or Pat will not be actually performing any of these surgeries. I will see if I can get them qualified to assist, but I will be performing all of the surgeries myself.
PAT: Well, you are a doctor.
GLENN: At Beck Hospital.
STU: It would be ridiculous for us to have surgery.
PAT: We’re not doctors.
GLENN: Of course it would. Of course it would. So if you need surgery on your eyes. Now, I have been told by an eye specialist, and I’m not an eye specialist. I’m just a — I’m just a doctor of humanities. So anything, really anything in life I am a doctor of, but I’m not a specialist on eyes. And I have been told by a specialist in eyes that I am, you know, possibly going blind now.
PAT: Could you operate on your own eyes?
GLENN: I’m thinking about it, but I’m going to let — give that opportunity to someone else. But I will be willing to operate on other people’s eyes.
STU: That’s nice of you.
GLENN: Even though —
PAT: Even though you may be going blind?
GLENN: I may be going blind myself. It could get a little dicey.
STU: So what does an eye surgery cost at Beck Hospital? $40,000 or —
GLENN: No, no. No, no. How much would you guess, Pat? He says $40,000 but that’s too much.
PAT: I’d guess — really?
GLENN: That’s too much.
PAT: So 40 is too much?
GLENN: 40 is too much.
PAT: I was thinking like 80.
GLENN: You were thinking 80,000?
GLENN: How much were you thinking? If he was thinking 80, how much were you thinking?
STU: I was thinking $111,000 but I didn’t want to say it.
GLENN: Now let me tell you.
PAT: I wouldn’t be surprised —
GLENN: $9.95 a month.
GLENN: And all of your surgeries are covered at Beck Hospital.
PAT: Now how much would you pay to go there?
GLENN: $9.95. But wait, there’s more.
PAT: What else do you get?
GLENN: If you sign up for Insider Extreme, you also get Beck University.
STU: You get both?
GLENN: You get both.
PAT: You get Beck Hospital and Beck University?
GLENN: Beck Hospital and Beck University.
PAT: And the fourth hour?
PAT: And the Fourth Hour?
GLENN: I don’t know anything about that.
STU: Wait, so is this Beck University Hospital?
GLENN: No, they are not tied together.
STU: They are not affiliated at all?
GLENN: They are not affiliated
STU: Why wouldn’t you affiliate them?
STU: Why wouldn’t you affiliate them? I don’t understand.
GLENN: I don’t want to, I don’t want to —
PAT: A lot of university hospitals do research.
GLENN: It’s very difficult to teach someone online how to do surgery.
GLENN: And I really want that hands on. Now listen, I will tell you that there are some claims against, already, against Beck Hospital, and they say that I won’t accept everybody. And that’s true. I don’t know what this music is. What is this music?
GLENN: The fat guy?
PAT: Remember the fat guy that was a detective? He would get out of that beat up old Oldsmobile or whatever it was?
GLENN: Why Canon? What does Canon have to do with this?
STU: What does Canon have to do with Beck University or Beck Hospital?
VOICE: William Conrad.
PAT: There you go, William Conrad.
GLENN: Can you stop the old episodes of TV for a second? Can you stop?
PAT: A little Barnaby Jones for you now.
GLENN: I don’t want Barnaby Jones, either.
GLENN: No, I —
PAT: This added to the discussion a little bit.
GLENN: I never even watched Barnaby Jones. I don’t even know what Barnaby Jones is.
PAT: All right. How do you feel about —
GLENN: Now listen.
PAT: How do you feel about Quincy? This was medical related.
GLENN: Oh, boy, you are going to need a medical examiner soon.
Now listen, here, there are some things that they are saying that I won’t treat everybody, and it won’t. Because it is a private hospital. I am only going to be performing surgeries on liberals and progressives.
STU: Wow. That’s not right.
GLENN: I’m discriminating. I’m discriminating. So it is only a progressive hospital. So if you have a progressive friend that needs, like, I don’t know, their liver removed.
STU: Just, if you are just throwing out random things, maybe their liver removed?
PAT: You can do that?
STU: It could just be the liver removal.
PAT: And you can do that for $9.95 a month?
GLENN: I can do that for $9.95 a month
STU: That’s awesome.
PAT: Where else are you going to get discount surgery like that?
GLENN: You are not going to get it.
PAT: You are not.
GLENN: You are not going to get it any place else.
PAT: You are not.
GLENN: You get what you pay for at Beck Hospital, all right? And I’m willing, for the right progressives, I am willing to maybe work some discounts out.
PAT: You could get it for less than $9.95?
GLENN: I might even perform that for free.
GLENN: You just bring your favorite progressive in. If they happen to be one of my favorites, you know, I’ll just perform that operation for free.
PAT: Well, that’s very progressive of you.
GLENN: It is. It is.
PAT: It is. That’s —
GLENN: It is very good.
PAT: Wow. It’s great.
GLENN: I don’t care. I really don’t care how much they make.
PAT: That’s great.
GLENN: I’m doing this because I’m a doctor, man.
PAT: Damn it.
GLENN: Now listen, I also want you to know that I’m not opening veterinarian school or hospital or anything else.
PAT: You won’t do any dogs or cats or anything?
GLENN: That would be irresponsible of me.
PAT: Yeah, because you don’t have a degree in that.
STU: Right. You are a doctor of humanities.
STU: You are not a doctor of animals.
GLENN: And dogs aren’t — of course, the humane society.
PAT: A little Ironside. Go ahead.
GLENN: Is this —
PAT: Oh, he just got shot. Oh, jeez.
GLENN: I would be willing to operate on him if he would just come to Beck Hospital or check us out online at Beck University, GlennBeck.com.
PAT: Remove the bullet.
GLENN: Get that progressive liberal journalist…