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GLENN: There’s also a couple of things going around and I am so sick of my
own staff going, "Did you see Jon Stewart last night?" No, I didn’t. I didn’t
see it. I don’t care. He was on Letterman. When was the last time I watched
David Letterman? I don’t even know. David Letterman is so irrelevant that it’s
laughable. So no, I didn’t. But I think that was one of the first things that
Pat said to me this morning: Did you see Letterman last night? Come on, Pat, you
didn’t see Letterman.

PAT: No, I didn’t see it.


PAT: I’m hearing about it on Mediaite.

GLENN: Uh huh.

PAT: But they wrote a great story about his appearance because they’re saying
that Stewart seems fairly obsessed with you because he’s talked about you now on
his appearances on Oprah, O’Reilly, and last night with David Letterman and, you
know, because there’s several minutes. Here’s just a little bit of what they had
to say about you yesterday.

STEWART: You know how we used to be on the road and we would do the same act
night after night.

VOICE: Right. On the road? Hell, I’m doing it here.

PAT: That’s for sure.

GLENN: That’s a great line.

PAT: Happens to be true.

GLENN: Yeah.

VOICE: But you do the same thing night after night but you’ve got to make it
seem like it just came to you. The whole trick of his show is, folks, it’s just
we are… (laughing).

GLENN: Very funny.

VOICE: We… (laughing). If we could just go back to 1979. Did you see, this was
the greatest thing. This is when I realized how much I love this guy. He does
the program, he’s sitting on his

GLENN: I don’t think he does.

PAT: I don’t think he loves this guy. He loves making money off of you. He does
love that.

VOICE: Weeping for do you remember the old Coke commercial with Mean Joe Green?

VOICE: Sure.

VOICE: Where he says have a Coke? And he says, that’s okay. And the little boy
goes, come on, take it. And Mean Joe Green finally is like, all right, kid,
takes it and then he throws him the Jersey, comes back to Glenn and… why can’t
we go back there? Politicians won’t take you back there. And I’m like, I think
we can’t go back there because it’s fictional. I think it’s a fictional
commercial. And then I remembered I think they taped it in 1979 which is when
the Iranian hostage crisis was. So I guess we could go back there. But why would
we want to?

VOICE: Exactly.

VOICE: And that’s when I realized, he made that fictional moment.

VOICE: He’s Bobby Heenan. Come on. He’s Bobby Heenan.

VOICE: I like him. I want to have him on my program.

GLENN: I don’t know who Bobby Heenan is.

PAT: No idea.

VOICE: We have invited him numerous times to be on this show. He will not come
on this show.

VOICE: I invited myself onto his program and did not come on.

GLENN: I wear those both as a badge of honor.

PAT: And you should.

GLENN: Yeah. I mean

PAT: The reference to Bobby Heenan or whatever, whoever he’s talking about there
is a really good reason not to go on Letterman’s irrelevant show. Nobody knows
who Bobby Heenan is.

GLENN: Doesn’t matter. Look, David Letterman, you know, he doesn’t believe, I
believe, in anything I say. I don’t believe in the things that he believes in.

PAT: Yeah.

GLENN: You know, why would I go there?

PAT: It’s a useless exercise.

GLENN: I don’t believe

PAT: In futility.

GLENN: Yeah, I don’t believe in boycotting anything. I just believe in this: I
spend my money and my time in things that I believe in. I don’t believe in David
Letterman. David Letterman does what David Letterman does. He’s funny sometimes,
he’s I don’t know honestly, David, I don’t know how you do it every day. I don’t
know how you are still doing the top 10 and you don’t think, really? Again? I’m
doing this? I mean, I don’t know how you do that.

PAT: It’s only been 30 years.

GLENN: Yeah. But, you know, that’s cool and I have nothing I don’t want him off
the air, I don’t want to silence him, nothing. Whatever. It just plays no time
in my life because I spend my time and my money on the things that are important
to me. David Letterman isn’t.

On the Jon Stewart, I’m just trying to think. This week, let’s see. I’ve had the
Holocaust survivor and the historian on as a guest this week. I’m trying to
think where the comedian comes in. I mean, I just don’t do those interviews.

PAT: The comedian selling a book, where does that fit in? Yeah.

GLENN: He wants to sell his books and I think it’s interesting that no one in
the press has said that he’s doing a political rally just to make money, yet
that’s all that you ever heard about me. That’s all you ever heard. And that’s
okay. I mean, I have no problem with him making money. He’s got a book for sale.
Go buy the book. Don’t buy the book. I’m not buying the book. I don’t really
care about the book. I don’t want to ban the book. I don’t want anybody to not
read the book because that’s what whatever. You know, neither of these guys need
a handout.

PAT: No.

GLENN: But apparently they both believe they need a hand up in their ratings or
their book sales. Sorry. Can’t provide it for ya.

PAT: But what I found interesting about this Mediaite article was the last part
of it where they’re talking about the exchange between Letterman and Stewart
last night where it says Beck becomes the subject of conversation between host
and guest in a manner that ostensibly seems friendly but really puts Beck in a
most unflattering light. There is a whiff of junior high cool kids picking on
the new kid who’s suddenly the most popular behind his back. That is exactly,
exactly how that came off.

[NOTE: Transcript may have been edited to enhance readability – audio
archive includes full segment as it was originally aired]