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GLENN: First of all let me just get this out on the table. Much to about half of the country, much to their chagrin and grave, grave disappointment, I’m not dying.

PAT: Oh, wow. Oh, gosh.

STU: Wait a minute.

PAT: Man!

GLENN: You guys aren’t supposed to be part of the

STU: So typical. I mean the

PAT: The last two days.

STU: I want one thing to go my way, one. Unbelievable.

PAT: Wow.

GLENN: You guys are going to be in the other 50%.

PAT: We almost had the show, almost.

STU: Typical.

PAT: He was right there. Right there at my fingertips!

GLENN: Okay. I’m a little confused by this now. So they ruled out cancer, they ruled out MS which was kind of a spooky one.

PAT: Those are big.

GLENN: They ruled out lupus.

PAT: Which is also nasty.

GLENN: Yeah. Although it kind of sounds fun.

PAT: Lupus? No.

GLENN: I know it’s not, but doesn’t it sound that’s too happy of a name.

STU: Yeah.

GLENN: You know?

STU: They need a rebranding of that

GLENN: You need a rebranding of that. You’re like, lupus, that’s better than cancer.

STU: Yes.

GLENN: Cancer just sounds bad. Lupus, if you don’t know anything about it, you’re like

PAT: That sounds good. That’s not bad.

GLENN: Kind of like Froot Loops. I like Froot Loops.

STU: It sounds like a character on a Froot Loops box.

GLENN: It does.

STU: Hey, it’s Lupus the Froot Loop mascot. It does sound like it.

GLENN: It does. But it’s definitely not.

STU: Fairly clear it’s not.

GLENN: And so they’ve ruled that one out. They believe that I have small fiber neuropathy. However they are now counting the nerves, which is great. They get to take a couple of chunks out of you and then they just count the nerves. And apparently you’re supposed to have a certain number of nerves in one place in your body and a certain number of nerves in the other place. I have to tell you as somebody who has ADD, I cannot imagine going under a microscope and counting somebody’s nerves.

PAT: I there’s no way.

GLENN: Be like, I don’t know, there’s more than a dozen. I don’t know. (Laughing). Just awful. The I also, they think I have what is the other thing? Raynaud’s? Which I guess is common and no big deal. The small fiber neuropathy, they don’t you know, they don’t know what’s causing it. That can be no big deal. That can be kind of dicey but nothing threatening. Just, you know, just me walking around going, ow, that hurts, occasionally, would be the, I think the worst case scenario on that.

The vocal cords, they don’t know. I’ve got what’s called a vocal fold and half of the vocal cords have gone into some sort of paralysis. They are thinking that it is a virus at this point but that’s just because the

PAT: That’s really good. That’s way better than the alternatives for that one, right?

GLENN: Yeah. They thought it was a they thought it was a major nerve that was

PAT: Be bad.

GLENN: was running out of my head. And let me tell you something. If you like MRIs and who doesn’t if you, if you’ve experienced the splendor that is what I like to call the tube of coffin like death, they make it even better if they’re doing an MRI with your head on your head and neck. It took me 90 minutes. I don’t know if anybody’s ever had that. If you have, right now you’re in the car wherever you are going, oh, my gosh, that’s horrible, they make that whole coffin like experience even better by putting your face in a cage.

PAT: There’s no way I could do that.

GLENN: Yeah, it’s great.

PAT: I don’t know how you did that.

GLENN: Oh, my gosh.

PAT: They would have to put me out.

GLENN: No.

PAT: I would have to be in a coma to have that happen.

GLENN: No. I had Valium yesterday and that was not nearly enough. I had Valium and I’m like, I’m fine, I’m going to be just fine. They put the cage over my face and I’m like, wait, wait, you didn’t tell me about a cage over my face. Wait a minute, I’m really freaking out here.

PAT: (Laughing).

GLENN: And then they’re like, okay, now we’re going to put you in a tube. Wait, with a cage on my face?

PAT: (Laughing). There’s no way I could do that.

GLENN: Oh, it is un

PAT: That’s unpleasant.

GLENN: You got the picture, didn’t you? Send that in. Put that up on The Blaze. Have them post that on The Blaze or something.

PAT: Disquieting for sure.

GLENN: Oh, my gosh.

PAT: It’s unpleasant.

GLENN: It is really unpleasant.

PAT: I don’t know how you did that.

GLENN: And then they and then they brought me down, downstairs to the PET scan. Now, this is how my day started yesterday. Yesterday they started sticking needles in me and running juice through them and going, let’s see if your let’s see if your foot moves with this. I’m like, wait a minute, are you going to plug ow! You know, and they would they would give you a they gave me all kinds of shocks. And so that’s how the day started. Then I had my face in a cage. Then they were going to take a chunk out of me, two chunks out of me and then I had the PET scan, which, a PET scan is they give you a radioactive isotope and then they take pictures of your entire body to see how that isotope is burning with your sugar to see if you have cancerous cells at all anywhere in the body. Now, they came in and said, we want you to know that this is akin to having a thousand chest x rays.

PAT: So they’re going to give you cancer essentially in order to check for cancer.

GLENN: Correct. And they said it is, it is the equivalent of the, being exposed to the Nagasaki or Hiroshima bomb. And I’m like, didn’t those weren’t they just burned into shadows on the sidewalk? I don’t know if that’s a really do I survive this little, we’re going to take a quick peek in you and give you cancer kind of thing?

STU: Isn’t there a first do no harm sort of thing?

GLENN: That’s what they said, that both doctors came in and said, we don’t think you have cancer, we’ve done all these other tests. Because I had two MRIs, two CAT scans, something else and then I was going into the PET scan and they said, we’ve read all of the others, we don’t think you have cancer, and you really get one this is a silver bullet and you get one shot at this. And, you know, if you don’t have it now but we find out that you have cancer sometime down the road, you won’t be able to really look for it with this because then you’ve got 2,000 chest x rays and you’ve been to Hiroshima and Nagasaki. And I’m like, yeah, I don’t think that’s good.

PAT: No.

GLENN: So we didn’t do that one. But I went out to the Huntsman Cancer Institute out in Utah. That’s where I was for the four days over the weekend and the last two days, and I can’t thank them enough. This these people and these doctors out there were remarkable and they worked with my doctors in New York. And it ended yesterday with this doctor, Dr. Dunson, who is I think the best doctor I’ve ever, ever seen. I’ve never been with this doctor spent like two hours of me getting a medical history, and he finished it with, have I missed anything? And I said, well, besides, like, my actual baby teeth and pictures of me in utero, no, I don’t think so. But he ended with talking to me a little about spirituality and it was amazing. It was truly, truly amazing. I’ll get into that a little bit tomorrow. But I want you to know today that I’m not dying.