GLENN: I am everywhere this weekend, it feels. If you’re in New England, I start tonight in Nyack, New York, I believe, and then at 7:30 in the morning I am in New Haven, Connecticut, then Hartford, West Hartford. Where am I — where else am I going to be? I’m going to be in Rhode Island, Massachusetts, right?
GLENN: And then I end things at the casino where things usually end for me but never in a good way. You know, that’s — anyway, I’ll be at the casino with Bill O’Reilly. We’re going to be betting on red, all of it on red at the Mohegan Sun where we’re going to be doing a special show.
Now, he’s promised me that he’s going to show up in costume. I’m working on my costume. I’m actually, I think I’m going to come out in costume. He offered me $5,000. He didn’t even say for charity. He just said, I’ll give you $5,000 if you come out as — it wasn’t Nancy Pelosi. It was what’s her name that just called, the B word.
PAT: Oh, Joy Behar?
GLENN: Yeah, Joy Behar. $5,000.
PAT: To dress as her?
PAT: To dress as her, to come out as her. All I have to do is dress like a witch.
STU: That’s not the word actually that she used. It was a different —
GLENN: Oh, I know. It was what she called somebody else.
STU: Oh, okay.
PAT: That was a term of endearment.
STU: Term of endearment.
STU: It was a term of endearment.
GLENN: Term of endearment.
STU: She’s awful.
GLENN: She really is an awful person. No, she is.
STU: It’s a good summary of her.
GLENN: No, seriously she is.
STU: Yeah. And she just tries —
GLENN: No, I mean that with all the love and respect.
STU: No, I know you do.
GLENN: I’m not judging her.
GLENN: She’s just a very awful person.
STU: Seems like you’re judging a little.
GLENN: No, no.
PAT: I’m not judging her, either. I’m just saying she’s going to burn in the fires of hell.
GLENN: No, no. See, now you’re damning here. Now you’re damning her.
PAT: No, I’m not. Who am I to judge?
GLENN: Yeah, but you are saying she is going to burn in the fires of hell.
PAT: That’s all I’m saying. Burn in the fires of hell.
GLENN: That’s for Jesus to decide. That’s for Jesus to decide.
PAT: No, I know.
GLENN: And if I may recommend —
PAT: And you know he’s going to decide she burns in the fires of hell.
GLENN: I’m just going to make a recommendation to Jesus —
STU: I don’t know that —
GLENN: — that she likes things hot.
STU: I don’t know that he would take your recommendation.
GLENN: Plus she better hope that I don’t die before her.
STU: Because that’s —
GLENN: Because I’ll wait — no, no, I’m waiting for somebody, Jesus. Hang on. No, judge me in a minute. I’m waiting, I’m just waiting. Has Joy arrived yet? (Laughing). I’ll testify against her. She’s a bad person.
STU: Bizarre. I mean, I —
GLENN: No, really, come on.
STU: She’s certainly acting like it lately. All she does, she seems to be just screaming all the time about people.
GLENN: That’s all she is. She is a bitter, angry, she is a bitter, angry, frustrated comedienne that wasn’t funny in 1963.
GLENN: When she was in the Catskills in ’63, ’65 —
PAT: She had a few moments in the Pocono, no, seriously she had a few moments in the Poconos.
GLENN: She was doing comedy in the clubs back in the Sixties when Sammy Davis, Jr. was like, why is this Joy Behar calling me? She’s not funny. No, I won’t tour with you. And, you know, she was like, and tip your waiters and waitresses and have you seen our champagne tubs? I mean, you know, that’s —
STU: She’s at Mt. Airy lodge?
GLENN: Yes, she was.
PAT: No, that was the Pocono thing.
STU: Oh, Pocono.
GLENN: She hasn’t gotten over the fact that she wasn’t funny in 1963 and she’s not funny — she wasn’t funny in ’93 and she’s certainly not funny today.
STU: No, no, and she certainly shouldn’t be talking about issues.
GLENN: She honestly — no, she can talk about it. I mean, whatever. Everybody has their own opinion.
STU: No, she can’t, not her.
GLENN: I’m just trying to find —
STU: She can do it. I don’t mind her doing it. It’s just so embarrassing. It’s so embarrassing for her. She has no idea what she’s talking about. She — I was talking to someone the other day. We were talking about how it seems like she’s at a party where a lot of smart people are talking about politics and then she goes on television and tries to recreate the conversations that she’s heard from the weekend. She doesn’t know why the people believe what they believe. She doesn’t know how they got there. She doesn’t know any of the background. She just blurts out half sentences in an order that she kind of remembers them in.
GLENN: But it’s kind of sad.
GLENN: I feel sad for her. Because the reason why she’s really an awful person is because she’s so bitter and twisted and angry inside. She really — and I mean this sincerely. I feel bad for her because I think like she’s, she feels like she’s been left behind. She’s like, you know, I should have been successful, I’m — because when I sat with her on the view, all she kept saying to me is, I’m funnier than you, I’m funnier than you. And I’m like — when she said — really, I mean this sincerely. When she said that, I looked at her and I went, okay. Well, you have to tell your audience that. I am funnier than you. And I’m like, I don’t think I’m telling my audience that, Joy, but thanks for the tip.
STU: And the market has decided on that one, by the way.
GLENN: When she said that she was a comedian, I thought she was joking. It was the only funny thing I’ve ever heard her say. I thought that was the joke.
STU: When she says she’s a comedian, comedians all around the world feel pain in their sides.
GLENN: No, seriously.
STU: It actually hurts them physically.
GLENN: Seriously. I mean, I don’t know if she was the Phyllis Diller wannabe and Phyllis occupied that — seriously, occupied that slot.
STU: Right. There’s not too many for two Phyllis Dillers.
GLENN: No, there’s not. Phyllis was the one and so she was like, I’m funnier than Phyllis Diller.
GLENN: And everybody was like, no, you’re not.
STU: Phyllis Diller’s hilarious. You don’t understand. Phyllis Diller is much funnier than you. Ma’am. Ma’am, Phyllis Diller is much better.
GLENN: Much funnier, much funnier.
STU: And you know what? Just, if you could just escort people to their tables, that would be a better use of your time.
GLENN: Yeah, I don’t know if she was carrying the drinks at the time and she was just heckling Phyllis Diller at the time. I don’t know. It wasn’t —
STU: I just love the fact you’re talking about Phyllis Diller.
PAT: I love that.
GLENN: It’s true.
PAT: You don’t get the opportunity in 2010 to talk that much about Phyllis Diller.
STU: Or Joy Behar for that mother.
GLENN: Phyllis went away. Phyllis — you know, before it became embarrassing.
GLENN: Phyllis went away.
STU: And that’s something to learn for entertainers or people who wish to be entertainers or thought they were entertainers at one time.
GLENN: Or waitresses.
GLENN: It’s time to go away before it’s embarrassing.
PAT: Yeah, and that time is about ten years past.
PAT: It’s about 10 years ago for Joy.
GLENN: Well, I think if we got Phyllis on the phone, she might argue it might have been a little earlier.
GLENN: So I mean, I don’t know what she —
PAT: Is Phyllis alive? Is Phyllis Diller still living?
STU: I don’t know if Phyllis is alive.
GLENN: No, but if she’s dead, I can guarantee you she’s standing at the bar right now at the bench saying, wait a minute, Jesus, hang on just a second, don’t judge me yet; is Joy here yet?
STU: No, Phyllis Diller’s alive it appears.
GLENN: Is she really?
STU: Is this accurate? Yeah, she’s alive, and still going strong and still funnier than Joy.
PAT: Well, if she would have been dead, she would be funnier than Joy.
STU: At least she wouldn’t be negative. If you’re talking and you’re bombing, that’s actually worse than even — dead people would be even.
GLENN: I mean, look, here’s the thing.
GLENN: No, no, no, I am being serious.
PAT: No, I know you are.
GLENN: When I sat next to her and she insisted on, I just — I mean, over and over again, I’m funnier than you, I’m funnier than you. Like it was some contest. And I —
PAT: That’s really weird.
GLENN: I felt bad for her.
PAT: That’s really weird.
GLENN: I felt bad for her. I think she is somebody who fancied herself, I’m not kidding, like Phyllis Diller and wanted that role, never got that role. You know, still living in the Catskills in her glory days of when, you know, there were, you know, like Morte was in the front row going, "You are so funny! You are right!"
GLENN: And she’s still living in those days wishing that they would come back.
PAT: (Laughing). Serious, but seriously, I’m serious.
GLENN: I’m serious.
PAT: I know you are. I know you are. I know.
GLENN: I know it’s really funny but it’s also really sad. She is a sad, sad, angry, bitter lady.
PAT: I know. Why is she named Joy?
STU: Yeah, it is —
GLENN: She is the most misnamed person I’ve ever…
GLENN: I don’t even know what — I don’t know what Phyllis even means, and Phyllis fits. Joy does not.
GLENN: Bitter, Bitter Behar, Angry Behar.
PAT: No, Bitter Behar is good because then you’ve got the alliteration, too. That works nicely. I like that.
GLENN: Phyllis Bitter, she could have gone for that. Change her name.
PAT: You know, Phyllis would work for Joy. It would.
STU: She could be a Phyllis.
PAT: Phyllis Behar, that’s good.
GLENN: I don’t know. She’s as funny as an Agnes or a Myrtle.
GLENN: She is a little more like a Myrtle.
GLENN: I don’t know why that’s funny.
STU: I don’t know, either.
PAT: But it is.
GLENN: But it’s still funnier than Joy Behar.
STU: It’s unfortunately for her, true.
PAT: Start calling her Myrtle, Myrtle.
GLENN: No, no. No.
PAT: Myrtle Behar.
STU: No, because you are above that.
GLENN: No, I’m not.
STU: You are above calling her Myrtle just like you just did call her Myrtle.
GLENN: I’m not above it.
STU: Oh, no.
GLENN: No, no, this is not a Gandhi moment. I’m not above it. I really do feel bad for her, though. I do.
PAT: Oh, I do, too. I do, too.
GLENN: No, I don’t like her.
GLENN: And I don’t defend her, but I feel bad for her. Who does what she’s done lately? When she stood up with Bill O’Reilly, it was such an obvious ploy for attention. It’s a cry for help.
GLENN: It really is. Somebody — you know what it is? It’s like a child does when, you know — I don’t know if you’ve ever seen this. When there’s a star child and everybody’s paying attention and, like, you know, the last born or the middle child that’s unnoticed, they are always, they are like, "Hey, I’m over here. Look at me." And that’s what it was. She stood up, and you could see it. It was a cry for help.
STU: Awful, just an awful moment of television.
GLENN: And then to do the — the bitch thing, what is that?
GLENN: What is that? I mean, I’ve said this before, Barbara Walters so lowered herself in this room, just lowered herself. Is that Joy calling now? I just heard the phone ring. I know what she’s saying. Just tell her, no, you’re really not funnier.
PAT: Tell her she would be funnier if she changed her name to Myrtle.
STU: It would be funny.
PAT: That would be funny. Myrtle Behar? You get a laugh just from that.
STU: It takes a lot of talent to take our Headline News ratings and cut them in half. That’s not easy to do.
PAT: It’s not. It’s not.
GLENN: If you’re Joy Behar, it’s hard to do that well.
STU: Yes. That’s only a credit to their staff, which many of them are fantastic.
GLENN: Many of them are Rs.
STU: Yes, when we —
STU: You know, they’re still there.
GLENN: They’re drinking heavily.
STU: They have to be at this point.
GLENN: They’re drinking heavily. They’re like, "I can’t take her anymore. I just can’t take her." That’s all right. Jack Daniels makes it all better.