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– A complete list of things caused by global warming
GLENN: But Stu, did you do the research that I asked you to do on the global warming thing that we talked about yesterday?
STU: Yes, I did. You had the big list yesterday.
GLENN: Okay. Yesterday the big list was all of the things, starting in the A’s, and I think the first one was acne, that acne is caused now by global warming, which is weird because I remember having zits, you know, when we were headed for an ice age. But now that’s caused by global warming. Everything you can imagine is caused by global warming. The list we sent out in the newsletter yesterday, it’s hysterical. But there were a couple of them that I actually had to stop and ask and say, what is the story on this. This list that we generated yesterday is a list of all the things that have been blamed on global warming and the stories connected to that. No, we didn’t just say, oh, yeah, acne. We said acne, and here’s the story that it came from.
But I had to ask a couple of questions, how circumcision rates rising is connected to global warming. That’s the first one, Stu. Do you have that?
STU: Yes. Well, of course. Obvious, this one’s obvious. I can’t believe you even have to ask about this because in Africa certain tribes circumstance size their youths in grand ceremonies which are held every seven years or so when enough cattle and other foods have accumulated to support such celebrations. But it’s been 14 years since there have been a circumcision in this one area and now there’s 40,000 uncircumcised young men, some in their late 20s who are obviously having problems picking up the ladies with that situation.
GLENN: Damn this global warming.
STU: See, it’s killing African circumcision rates.
GLENN: Next one, crocodile gender shifts. So crocodiles are starting to become females or female crocodiles are becoming males?
STU: Well, as you, of course, obviously know, the gender of a crocodile is determined by the embryo temperature during incubation which, you obviously knew that. So —
GLENN: Oh, and you know what? Crocodiles are cold-blooded. So if it’s warmer outside, the crocodile is warmer.
STU: Right. So it results in different sex ratios when the water warms up a little.
GLENN: May I just point out that it might be a good thing that crocodiles become extinct?
STU: A lot of people with bite marks on their legs would agree, Glenn.
GLENN: Yes. Teen drinking is on the rise because of global warming.
STU: Yes. Well, as you know, there’s now a study that —
GLENN: Please stop saying "As I know." I obviously know, but inform the little person that might be listening right now, driving their car because, you know, the state allows them to still drive a car. You shouldn’t be driving a car, little person. Explain to them about teen drinking.
STU: I just don’t want to talk down to people because it’s so blatantly obvious about teen drinking.
GLENN: All the research points to it. All scientists agree. I mean, it’s only — talk right directly to the people that believe we never blame it on the moon.
STU: All those crazy people. 24% of eighth graders say they’ve consumed alcohol in the past month and that’s a rising problem. The reason for that, well, there’s a variety of reasons why they’ve started. But researcher says that it all comes back to the whole culture is going crazy. The U.S. is at war and global warming is in the news.
STU: Some would say maybe the media alarmism is running that sort of shift, but as we all know here’s global warming.
GLENN: How about this. I wonder if we can get anybody to write that the price of, you know, grain and hops is going up, so there’s going to be a beer shortage because of global warming. So that will stop teenage drinking.
STU: People will just hoard the beer, Glenn. We don’t want that to happen.
GLENN: There’s no way to win on that global warming thing. Early marriages.
STU: Now, as you know obviously, Glenn, but to inform some of the lesser people out there, climate change —
GLENN: For those who aren’t as smart as us.
GLENN: I’ve been to Columbia.
STU: It’s clear logic what happens here. But climate change, of course, is causing all of these terrible global food shortages. It has nothing to do with the stuff we’ve talked about at length here for the last month. But that is — that’s all global warming’s fault in reality. And in times of food crisis, some parents will distressfully marry off their daughters to secure dowry in places like Uganda.
GLENN: Don’t you hate that. Well, little person, that’s what you’re causing because you’re driving your car still. We’re not driving. Are you driving a car right now, Stu?
STU: I’m not driving a car.
GLENN: You are not driving a car?
STU: Am I charging a — causing a 13-year-old to get married right now? I’m not doing it.
GLENN: You are not, no. You are pointing it out. Of course, we may be in a giant skyscraper in Manhattan with just tons of electrical equipment and beaming this signal into space down to Los Angeles where we’ve got a whole other skyscraper in Los Angeles where it processes and encodes all of this information so we can then send it up in space again and then, you know, beam it around the country so people can, you know, turn on their electric devices to be able to listen to it. But we have nothing to do with it, nor does anybody in the media.
And finally, the collapsing — this is — and please if you are driving, little person, please pull over because this is very disturbing, at least to people like you. The collapse of gingerbread houses.
STU: Oh, this is terrible.
GLENN: Caused by global warming, collapsing gingerbread houses. This is an actual story, of course.
STU: Yes. And obviously as you know, Glenn, this is blatantly tied to global warming but as found in Sweden who as you know, you build your whole gingerbread house with the icing to really keep things together. Unfortunately they are collapsing because of the unusually damp winter and the damp winter spells immediate devastation. This is a quote. I’m sorry.
GLENN: Damn these schemers.
STU: The damp weather spells immediate devastation for gingerbread houses.
GLENN: Why — can I tell you something? Why are you laughing? Do you not relate to the plight of gingerbread men?
STU: No, I mean —
GLENN: I mean, there are homeless gingerbread men, no place to go. They are probably left out to eat their button. You know what I mean?
STU: I mean, that is a major problem.
GLENN: By the way, as somebody who grew up in a bakery and has made gingerbread houses, that’s a problem with the royal icing. Never did my father ever say, oh, gee. You know what? But let’s do ourselves a favor because there’s a lot of these problems and I think we need to be able to teach our children how all of these things are caused by global warming. So what we’ve done is we’ve put together a little song, but we had our composer, Anthony, write something that, you know, we could play on Sesame Street. And maybe you can gather your kid around the radio now, little people, and you get the little people, their littler people together around the radio right now so they can learn this great song about the dangers of global warming and all the things that global warming causes.
(Global Warming song included in audio transcript)