Busted

Audio Available:

February 22, 2008 - 14:02 ET

Couple Of The Year - Volume 1 Quite possibly our favorite show of the year-the "Couple of the Year" presentation. Listen back to some of our best moments from these classic shows - available as a CD or download it instantly in MP3 format.

GLENN: And let me ask you this. Is there anyone in the sound of my voice that busted their boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse last week? Was anyone busting anyone else? I told you last week on Valentine's Day that that is the big day for private eyes and busting people. Because Valentine's Day is the day that you -- oh, you've got to go get a gift. You've got to go -- and so if you're having an affair, you've got to go and, you know, get them a gift or be with them for a few minutes or whatever. And if your wife or your husband is suspecting that you're cheating, this is the day that they follow you around. And women can just smell it on you. I mean, they just know. And guys are bad hiding it, you know? "You were working late today, honey." "Yes, yes, I had a lot of extra work to do." "You don't have a job." "Yeah, I was... I was working looking on a job. That's what I was doing." Yeah. "At 1:00 a.m.?" "Uh-huh -- I mean, no. Crap." I mean, just stupid guys. Did anybody catch anybody last week?

Also I was reading a psychology magazine the other day mostly to find out how many psychiatric problems I have and it's, ooh. After I stopped counting, there was an article in it on what attracts people together. What is it that brings people together initially? The article explained, you know, a lot of things. But really, I mean in a nutshell the subtitle could be Why Glenn Beck Isn't a Ladies Man back in the day. But they say that voice plays a big part. Men prefer a higher pitched voice in women. Women prefer deeper voices in men. And that's been a cross I've had to bear.

Stu, would you go for the -- I mean, when they say higher pitched women, is it just that they -- I don't -- you know, women who are like, yep, I know, it just really kind of -- I don't want that but I mean, I'm not looking for a mousey voice. That's driving me nuts.

STU: Yeah, Glenn, that's true. You don't want the squeaky voice. You want the nice pitch but I think --

GLENN: Dan, are you feeling the same way?

DAN: Yeah, man, I know exactly what you're talking about.

GLENN: I actually -- you know what? You know what kind of voice I'm attracted to in women? You know what I think is the hottest voice is the raspy voice in women.

STU: Yeah, but not the -- you don't want to go to the smoker's voice because you get that... "Hey, how are you," that.

GLENN: You don't want the -- when they're breathing in, you don't want to hear the (gasping)... so anyway, I was telling you that... yeah, you don't want -- you've been smoking for years and years, haven't you?

STU: Yeah, you want that, kind of like a piano bar at 11:00 p.m., a little rasp but it's not that much.

GLENN: Yeah. But I don't know if I could live with that my whole life. You know what I mean? I don't know if I'd like to hear, you know, "So you need to start picking up your underwear off the bathroom floor." Although that might be actually -- although that might kind of work for you.

STU: Yeah, I think it's a short-term thing.

GLENN: It might be short-term, yeah, it might be short-term. You know, the problem is, at least with me, you know, when I was dating -- and I'm still like this. I just absolutely clam up around -- well, now it's around almost everybody. I'm so uncomfortable in small, one-on-one stuff. I have no idea what to say to anybody. Isn't that weird? This is what I do for a living. And I have, like, no idea what to say. I get so uncomfortable. And if it -- when I was dating or when I was in high school, completely clam up around, you know, girls. I mean, absolutely completely silent. You go out on a date and you're like, yeah, I know, uh-huh. That's the cardinal sin, they say, for guys, you know, and especially guys like me. If your voice eclipses, your face is your star quality, you've got to keep yapping, man, and that's -- I mean, whew. The fact that I have a voice makes it my star quality over my face but that's a different -- they actually say that to women your voice can actually enhance your looks. I mean, if I would have known that in 1979, man, I wouldn't have stopped talking. Wait a minute. That doesn't work. That's exactly what I've done and it didn't work out well for me.

Article goes on to talk about humor and posture and sense and all the other indicators like facial features. You know what? I'm not a psychologist but I am a thinker and a little bit crazy. But I think they're missing a couple of factors here. I mean, you know, the posture and everything, I guess, and humor, sure, that's -- but I mean, men are shallow, you know what I mean? Legs, butts. You know, I'm just saying we're pathetic but we're on a roll here. You know what I mean, that kind of -- women, you're shallow as well. Let's be honest. Granted, you're less shallow than men and I give you that, but you're shallow. For a lot of women it's fame and money. I mean, I don't know who's worse, men or women. You know, men are willing to overlook a lot of flaws if she's hot. You know, she could rob banks for a living and be like, cool. You want to come up to the apartment? She could even be Progressive. That's how pathetic we are. She could be Progressive. She could be wearing really comfortable shoes as a Progressive and you'd be like, "Really? Birkenstocks, huh? Want to come up?" I mean, we're that shallow. "Yeah, I'm totally into a carbon neutral lifestyle." "Yeah. Yeah, me, too." "Aren't you driving a tank?" "It's a hybrid tank, though, sweetheart. It runs on vegetable oil. I stop by McDonald's and I empty their old Frialator oil, and I'm thinking about taking the profits from the wealthiest 1% and with the tank and just giving it right directly to the poor." "Really?" "Yeah. Want to come up?" And women are just as bad. Money and fame, the really sad part is it can be like local flame that works for them, you know? "Oh, you play in a band?" "Yeah, we rotate between Chip's Pub and Frankie's Bar, totally rock out." "Oh, you're so talented. That's kind of cute, too." I mean, you talk yourself into hooking up with some ugly local, somewhat famous dude and if there's money involved, it's even worse. "I was thinking that, you know, maybe you and I could go to dinner some night, you know." "I'm probably about Z that night." "All right. Well, if you change your mind, let me know. I'll pick you up in my Bugatti." "Oh, wait a minute. I think I have an opening tonight." I mean, I think that's why so many people found themselves in a predicament or Valentine's Day because, shallow, you know, pathetic. Boobs, butts, money, that's really -- I mean, that describes most of us, doesn't it? And that's why we like a good marriage success story, because naturally, you know, we're all like, "If she could put her butt in my Bugatti, we're a perfect match." And somehow, somehow or another there's a few -- I can't believe it. I mean, I've got my wife caught in such a scam, she's like a good person and everything. I don't know what the heck she's doing with me. You know what I'm saying? A few of us like, all of a sudden we've, like, we've, like, lucked out and we're sitting here and we're like, shut up. I mean, Stu and I -- Stu, God's honest truth. I don't know why we're whispering because it's not like your wives could hear us -- not hear us if we're whispering and they are listening to the radio.

STU: Good point.

GLENN: But honestly you and I have had the conversation a million times. Have no idea why my wife is married to me or why your wife is married to you.

STU: I know, I know. They got with us when we were poor.

GLENN: We were poor. I mean, we were nobodies. They really thought -- I don't know about your wife. Did your wife, did she think you had a future?

STU: She may have thought I had a future but not a good one.

GLENN: I don't think my wife -- really somebody asked her the other day. You know, they expected her to answer, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, I knew. Oh, I've always had confidence and I knew -- she didn't. Somebody said, did you know, did you have any idea when you married him that this would happen? And she just looked at them like, no, no idea, no. I thought he might be a garbage collector. Yeah, that we would be poor our whole lives. I'm like, I love you so much. I do. You're the best.