Why does Glenn hate this Christmas song?

Audio Available:

December 19, 2008 - 12:53 ET

(Baby It's Cold Outside playing)

GLENN: See, maybe this is just the -- maybe this is just the negative side of me, but... I think this -- you know, stop this song for a second. Maybe it's just me but this seems like, oh, this is kind of cute. But then I heard this done by Dean Martin and Dean Martin you know you couldn't trust. I mean, he was a friend of Sinatra. You know what I'm saying? Unions, I'm just saying. So then I hear it from Dean Martin and I think, there's something here. There's something much deeper than this. Go back to the beginning. I just want you to listen to the words. Now it seems like the song, ranking the best Christmas cartoon.

(Music playing)

GLENN: Okay. Stop, stop, stop, stop. First she says, "I really can't stay." And he says, "But baby, it's cold outside." All right. So what I'm -- if I may, in other words what he's saying is, guess what, skank, put out or I'm going to leave you stranded in sub zero temperatures. You know what I mean? It's cold outside. Now, you might think that's a little dramatic, you know, right now, but may I lay the rest of the song out to provide some context. Go ahead.

(Music playing)

GLENN: Okay, okay, okay. Now here she's saying, "I really can stay." She's trying to politely get out of there: I've got to go away, you know? That's what she says, "I've got to go away." When was the last time you said, "I've got to go away" to somebody who was, "No, you just stay with me." "I've got to go away." You don't say "I've got to go away." And she says, "The evening's been so very, very nice." She's trying to act like nothing's wrong and excuse herself. Right? "I've got to go away. The evening's been very, very nice." And then what does he tell her he's going to do? Listen to this.

(Music playing)

GLENN: Stop just a second. "Holding your hand," that's a sign of affection, right? Holding your hands, that's restraint. That's a form of imprisonment. Then she says....

(Music playing)

GLENN: Stop, stop, stop, stop. She says, "My mother will start to worry and my father will be pacing the floor," which is exactly the thing that a hostage says. "If my contact doesn't hear from me, they are going to come looking." And then what does he say in response? Listen to this.

(Music playing).

GLENN: Stop. See what I'm saying? You didn't catch it? Let me tell you something. You are never going to work for the FBI unless you follow along. You've got a hostage situation. He's holding her hands. She's saying, "Somebody's going to come for me. They know where I am." And then he says, "Listen to the fireplace roar." In other words, I'll burn you alive if you don't stay and put out. That's what I'm hearing here. Oh, how did we miss this our whole life? Then she decides it's escalating too fast. Listen to what she says.

(Music playing)

GLENN: Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. So she decides it's escalating out of control. "Well, okay, then maybe just one more drink. Just one more drink." And then he distracts her. He says, "You put on some records." First of all, who plays records anymore? Serial killers. She says, "Okay, maybe half a drink more. Maybe just half a drink." And he says, "Yeah, put on some of those records while I pour." So now he's set up to pour the drink while her attention is elsewhere. What does he do? He drugs the drinks. Hello! As evidenced by what she says next.

(Music playing)

GLENN: Stop, stop, there it is, your Honor. "Say, what's in this drink?" Then she says....

(Music playing)

GLENN: "I wish I knew how to break this spell." Say, what's in this drink? I wish I knew how to break this spell. In other words, "I think I just ingested a date rape drug. I'd like to stop the effects right now. He's going to burn me to death. Mom, Dad!" In the middle of it he says....

(Music playing)

GLENN: Okay, all right, all right. He says, "Your eyes are like starlight now," clearly the effects of GHB kicking in now. And then he says, "I'm going to take your hat." Yes, at her most vulnerable moment, he begins to take her clothes off. Then she says....

(Music playing)

GLENN: Wait, wait, wait, wait. She says, "I ought to say no, no, no," but she can't. Why? Because she's basically paralyzed now laying next to the fire where she's terrified he's going to burn her to death, and he mockingly says, "Mind if I move in close?" This is a horror movie! Knowing she can't resist, she takes solace in the fact that she at least has tried to stop his advances. And then he says....

(Christmas music playing)

GLENN: "I know, I can't, but I'm drugged, at least I can say I tried." Okay, look. I mean, the song -- stop it. We should never play this again. It's the Nightmare Before Christmas. You know, it just goes on and on and on, you know, "I simply must go." The clear answer is no, yet he keeps coming and coming and coming.

You know what this is? This is the story of the guy that Dog the Bounty Hunter arrested in Mexico. Oh, the welcome has been so nice and warm. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That warmth is, you know, the warmth that GHB induces. You see what I'm saying? Your lips look delicious. Oh, I bet they do, Hannibal the Cannibal. I get it. Put out or you're going to find yourself in an icy grave. Merry Christmas. Is that too -- is it just me?