Great Moments in Progressive History: Che Guevara

The year: 2015

The place: the Revolutionary-of-the-month t-shirt give away and literacy awareness day hosted jointly by UNSECO and OWS

Today’s revolutionary… Che Guevara!

You know kids, great leaders like Che don’t have to be so few and far between.

In fact, you, son…

Yes, you…

You look like you and the great revolutionary whom we hold in highest regard may have some things in common.

You see son, Che was no ordinary Marxist revolutionary.

He was much like you and your douchey Occupy Wall Street buddies… born of rich parents…

Unwilling to work for his keep and angry about it…

All he was missing was the 18th century German poetry degree, iPhone and skinny jeans…

…which means you’re already doing better than him!

But don’t worry son! As long as we keep the money away from the greedy capitalist pigs the redistribution is working!

Like all Marxists, Che believed in the sound principle of “from each according to his ability, to each according to his need”

Oops, I read that wrong!

What I meant to say was “from each capitalist pig according to his tax bracket and to each government agency that believes that all capitalists are in fact pigs!”

Speaking of pigs, that’s something else you and Che have in common!

Did you know that as a kid, Che was referred to as Chancho?

It means pig! Because he didn’t bathe very often…

…but even revolutionaries need to look good at White House correspondence dinners.

So maybe you should throw on some more deodorant, because seriously dude, you kind of reek.

Onward though, despite your stench… Che was a doctor, he even traveled to South America to blame the greedy American capitalists for all the poverty he saw.

And that’s why, when he met the Castro brothers…

Oh, don’t worry son, Fidel Castro is next month’s revolutionary t-shirt.

Che decided to join up with the Castro’s to overthrow the Cuban government, because it was backed by the greedy US capitalist pigs!

Once the Castro regime was in place, Che was placed in charge of the La Cabana Fortress prision to maintain peace and order.

And, of course, to make sure everyone in Cuba kept to a strict belief system. Nonbelievers were handled with extrajudicial executions! We can’t have any pesky capitalists in our Marxist utopia!

Che enjoyed murdering people so much that as soon as he was promoted, he made sure to grab an office with a view of the firing squad.

Finally, Che went off to foment Marxist revolution elsewhere until the evil Bolivian soldiers backed by the CIA took him out.

So now it is up to you, son! You must take up the mantle and continue to bring peace to the nations of the world.

  • Anonymous

    you forgot to mention that he was happy to execute people himself, just because they were in his way. or might have been capitalists. or might have thought or looked like they backed the previous regime. he also raped women and daughters in front of their families, before he had them all killed. such a hero…

  • Anonymous

    and hussein-obama is worse than Hitler because HusseinObama idolizes Mao Lenin Stalin Marx all rolled up in one Barry-Hussein-Osama! terrorist Bill Ayers Is still Bombing America with Barry-Husssein-ObombA!

  • Anonymous

    Guevara was also a racist and hated gay people. Funny how his worshippers consistently brush aside such character flaws when it is one of their idols who embrace them.

  • Anonymous

    So he was waging a war on women?

  • Glennfriend67

    I never get tired of Stu mocking the idiot progressives. It puts a smile on my face and brightens my day. Wonder if Che made the Douche Hall of Fame?