The Story of King Barack and Robin Hood

Glenn took a different approach on-air today, reading a fairy-tale about a special king named Barack. Like most classic fairy-tales, this one was not exactly "happy." As Glenn said, "Yeah, because they're meant to teach you a lesson." Can you figure out the moral to this story?

King Barack and Robin Hood By Pat Gray

Once upon a time…in the far western portion of Sherwood Forest…known as America…there was a king named Barack.

King Barack told all the people of the land, that if they would just trust HIM…he would see to it that everyone in the kingdom was exactly the same. He would bring equality to the kingdom.

He gained the admiration of the peasants by telling them that those who lived in larger huts than they…would be punished. And those who lived in CASTLES…would finally be made to pay their fair share…and would be cut down to size. The peasants rejoiced and loved the king.

First, King Barack decreed that too many peasants had died during the Black Plague, because they didn’t have enough easy access to the village physicians…and their leech insurance. So, the king placed an extra tax on all those in larger huts and castles…to ensure that more of the leaches would become available to suck the blood out of all peasants, when they became ill, from now on.

He assured the people of the forest…as well as all those in neighboring hamlets and villages that if they LIKED their leeches…they could KEEP their leeches. Sadly, the kings’ promise had to be broken…although the village Crier simply informed the peasants and serfs that many of their leeches were inferior leeches, so, they actually WOULDN’T be allowed to keep them…and they’d be replaced with Kingdom approved, leeches.

Next, King Barack sent out Sheriff Biden of the IRS-ingham to collect further taxes from the evil wealthy elite. It seemed that the Forest TEEMED with people who were doing far too well…and the king was only taking slightly over 50% of everything they owned so far. It wasn’t NEARLY enough.

King Barack despised those people, those who worked hard and applied themselves…and who actually became, not just self-sufficient and reliant…but were able to lend a helping hand to others and contribute some of their earnings to build hospitals or libraries for those who could read, including peasants who would be taught to read at those libraries, in the nearby hamlets and villages.

The king HATED the fact that those people didn’t need to rely on HIM…for he believed that, being the KING…he was all-important, omnipotent, and that all aid and benefits should come thru HIM.

THEN, when those successful merchants would die, until now they had been allowed to pass on what they had to their children. Because the king had already taxes all of their earnings while they were living, all of that which was left to their children had been considered to be for their children to inherit. THIS, was unacceptable to King Barack.

Yes, King Barack also knew, that if he TOOK any of the estate inheritance…it would be of little or no benefit to the Kingdom as a whole, for it took resources from the people. But the king didn’t care. So, into the forest he sent the Sheriff Biden of the IRS-ingham and his thugs…to seize property and coin.

Knights and their squires came riding into the Forest, the hamlets and the villages, ransacking and looting every large hut and castle until their wasn’t a single coin to be had among the wealthy that King Barack despised. And now, with no coins or property…the wealthy were made peasants.

Tragically, there was no Robin Hood here, in the far western reaches of the Sherwood Forest, known as America…to stop the king and the sheriff…as there was on the other side of the Big Pond. That Robin Hood was able to stop the looting by King John and return the money to its rightful owners. Such was NOT the case in this region of the Forest.

Thus, the king and sheriff lived handsomely on the bounty they confiscated. They built larger and larger palaces for themselves…they partied every Monday and Wednesday with Sir Jay Z of The Hamptons…son of Adnes…and feasted on pheasant and wild boar, gosling, cream covered fruit, and dozens of saffron-covered boiled eggs each meal. Then, the king and sheriff hired more knights to protect them…and allowed those knights to bed down concubines and wenches to help them pass the time when they traveled to Columbia. The king built larger…and more cricket courses…and played over 200 times.

The kings parties never ceased…even as the peasants starved.

Meanwhile…with no more wealthy merchants to pay peasants, there were no longer any jobs. No one had any money at all any longer to pay the physicians for leeches when the plague came back.

Everyone in the kingdom died.

They were all equal now. Equally dead. The king had fulfilled his promise of equality to the peasants.

The end.

Would Glenn make a better bounty hunter or a Jedi? You'll have to find out in a new episode of the Beltway Banthas Podcast, where Glenn goes deep on Star Wars with host Stephen Kent. In this 45 minute discussion, Stephen and Glenn explore the political themes of the Star Wars franchise, Darth Vader's redemption from Return of the Jedi, Glenn's earliest memories of seeing the films and even debate elements of the latest Star Wars films.

If you enjoy the pop culture and nerdy discussions that Glenn, Pat and Stu get into on the radio show, you'll love this! After you're through, you can also check out Stu Burguiere's appearance on Beltway Banthas to talk Star Wars. You can find that here.

It's never too early to start your Christmas, Hanukah, or Kwanzaa shopping. Or even birthday gift shopping. Especially if that special someone in your life is a Democrat. Because at last count, pretty much all the Democrats are now running for president. And that means there has never been a wider selection of official candidate merchandise to choose from. Whether you're into environmentalism, feminism, classism, socialism, or just plain love, there is a smorgasbord of classy items that you and yours will treasure forever... or at least until the next presidential election.

We have browsed each of the candidates' online stores, so you don't have to (it only took us three months). We have curated only the finest items from each of the Democrats running for president of the United States of America. Without further ado, here is your handy progressive gift guide – or maybe your what-not-to-gift guide.

First, the bargain basement options. Hurry! Time is running out to grab your Beto bandana, or your Delaney pack of golf balls, because at this point Stu has as much of a chance as these guys of getting the nomination.

Tom Steyer, for example – is he still in the race?

There's way too much Tom here. That shirt's got more Toms than a Caucasian dentists' convention.

For the slightly more moderate Democrat in your life, perhaps they'd like to join the "Yang Gang"…

Andrew Yang is a lock for Math Club president…

But for actual president? Well, I wouldn't make plans for how you're going to spend your $1,000-per-month Yang allowance just yet.

If you happen to be shopping for your dog, may I suggest this lovely "Dogs for Delaney" dog collar…

John Delaney's definitely going to secure the canine vote with this kind of outreach. As for any human votes, that's another question entirely.

How 'bout this tastefully understated "Natural Canvas" Michael Bennet tote to remind you he's also still here?...

Then again, it's a tote. So, it'll end up on the floor of your closet and you won't have it with you until that one random moment when you're out somewhere and you really need a tote bag. Just like Democrats will really wish they had a moderate when we're in the middle of the socialist nightmare of their creation.

Captain Planet himself, Jay Inslee recently dropped out of the race, but don't let that stop you from picking up what may be the greatest single item sold by anyone in this race…

A children's book called Elvis & the Elves: the Mystery of the Melting Snow. Written and illustrated by Governor Jay Inslee. Talk about a whodunnit – how could that snow possibly be melting? Spoiler alert: it's because of evil, white, patriarchal capitalism. And Donald Trump.

Then there's the candidate who thinks you're a moron that can't pronounce his last name: Steve Bullock...

Get it? Bull. Lock. Oh, so that's how you say the name that sounds exactly how it's spelled.

There's another candidate who also thinks you need help pronouncing his last name…

And he is definitely right about that. So, thank you, Pete "Boot Edge Edge." That helps.

Just outside the bargain bin section, but just barely, are candidates like Julian Castro and his "El Presidente" t-shirt…

When your last name's Castro, do you really want to go with a weird drawing of yourself as if you're a classic Latin American dictator on a postage stamp?

If you prefer a little "dark psychic forces" battling in your candidates, you'll love Marianne Williamson's "Turn Love Into a Political Force" rally sign…

"Turn Love Into a Political Force" would be an even better title for a Marianne Williamson album of 80s cover songs. And if you think I'm joking, then you haven't heard Bernie Sanders' classic 1987 folk album, We Shall Overcome. That's not a joke. Well, it is a joke, but it's also a very real thing.

Now, just a quick pause to consider the peculiar baby-wear that way too many candidates are selling…

…including Elizabeth Warren's trans-pride flag onesie. Let me get this straight – we can't force any gender on a child, because that's just cruel. But we can force a political advertisement on a baby? How do we know that baby is actually a Biden or Warren fan? The child may not even be a Democrat or a Socialist at all. That baby might self-identify as a Libertarian, or Republican, or even worse – a moderate Democrat.

Now to the premium items from the premium candidates. Elizabeth Warren – the candidate with the most honesty in her advertising…


Warren's merchandise reflects the woman herself – cold and humorless (watch her "This isn't funny" clip from the last debate here at the 4:27 mark). I'm sure she's really fun once you get to know her. Then again, maybe not.

Speaking of serious women, Kamala Harris wants to be president very badly for you, the people, as you can tell from her "For the People" poster…

At $29.99 though, she's sure not charging "people's" prices. Of course, she might be having to pay royalties to a certain someone for riffing on their poster. Just saying.

For the race's number one socialist, there's a whole lot of capitalism going on in Bernie Sanders' campaign. He sells so many delightful items that it's hard to choose. But we did anyway. The most random item is this hundred-dollar, black, "Art of a Political Revolution – Artists for Bernie Sanders Coaches Jacket"…

Coaches across the land will be clamoring for this one. You know, since coaches are such a strong Bernie-socialist demographic.

If that's a little over your budget you might consider a "Feel the Bern" fanny pack, to help store all those government freebies you'll get from Bernie…

This is the only context in which you'll ever want to hear "feel the burn" and "fanny" in the same sentence.

And finally, from front-runner Joe Biden, we have this fine "Women's Fitted Biden Polo." Which is just about the best polo description ever…

It promises the kind of snug approach that Biden loves to provide women. Even when they don't ask.

This was one of the first homesteads in the area in the 1880's and was just begging to be brought back to its original glory — with a touch of modern. When we first purchased the property, it was full of old stuff without any running water, central heat or AC, so needless to say, we had a huge project ahead of us. It took some vision and a whole lot of trust, but the mess we started with seven years ago is now a place we hope the original owners would be proud of.

To restore something like this is really does take a village. It doesn't take much money to make it cozy inside, if like me you are willing to take time and gather things here and there from thrift shops and little antique shops in the middle of nowhere.

But finding the right craftsman is a different story.

Matt Jensen and his assistant Rob did this entire job from sketches I made. Because he built this in his off hours it took just over a year, but so worth the wait. It wasn't easy as it was 18"out of square. He had to build around that as the entire thing we felt would collapse. Matt just reinforced the structure and we love its imperfections.

Here are a few pictures of the process and the transformation from where we started to where we are now:

​How it was

It doesn't look like much yet, but just you wait and see!

By request a photo tour of the restored cabin. I start doing the interior design in earnest tomorrow after the show, but all of the construction guys are now done. So I mopped the floors, washed the sheets, some friends helped by washing the windows. And now the unofficial / official tour.

The Property

The views are absolutely stunning and completely peaceful.