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Learn the Disturbing History of Garfield

Overweight. Lazy. Cantankerous. Orange.

Can you guess who I’m describing?

You’re right! It’s Garfield!!!

I usually hate cats, but I think Garfield could be my spirit animal. We both love Italian food and hate the first day of the week with irrational animosity. Despite his raw cynicism and blatant endorsement of binge eating, people all around the world have held a soft spot in their hearts for him for decades.

For example, Garfield hasn’t been relevant in popular culture since the eighties and yet the cartoon was played by legendary actor Bill Murray in, not one, but TWO movies in the 2000’s. AND they actually made money! “Garfield: The Movie” earned $201 million worldwide on a $50 million budget. “Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties” grossed a worldwide total of $142 million!

How is this Garfield empire possible?!

One word: Fear.

You are absolutely terrified of Garfield and will go to great lengths to keep him happy. Chances are you were traumatized as a child by the book “Garfield: His Nine Lives.” The documentary “Family Guy” first brought this book to my attention… I was so fascinated by Peter Griffin’s synopsis that I had to make sure the book actually existed.

It does. And now I own it and am terrified of its contents.

For one, the book is based on the false premise that cats have more than one life. This is incorrect. Cats are not special, they have one shot at life just like everybody else. So this implies that Garfield is in fact, a cat zombie, because he somehow keeps coming back to life. And his lives are freaking nightmare fuel.

Thanks to Garfield: His Nine Lives, we learn that he was once an alcoholic, womanizing private detective in the 1940’s named “Sam Spayed.” Sam Spayed was not a good guy…but the worst part about him was that he had the head of a cat and body of a man. He was an absolute freak of nature. That’s just not biologically possible on any level. Could you imagine a person with a cat head?! That’s terrifying!

Garfield’s fifth life doesn’t get any better.

In this life, he is a lab animal who is experimented on by the United States government. Now, we all can handle a little shot here and there…but Garfield can’t. After being injected with some experimental goo, he viciously attacks and presumably kills the scientist and escapes into the wilderness.

But it gets worse. The chemicals inside Garfield start to transform him into another species altogether: A dog. Again,biologically implausible. And not only is this cat now a dog, but he’s a dog with… Michael Jackson Thriller eyes. A monster dog with cat genes that has glowing eyes is now free to roam the world and cause death and destruction.

Shame on you, Jim Davis. Shame on you.

But nothing compares to Garfield’s seventh life. Even Garfield prefaces this chapter with the warning, “There are some forces within a cat that should never be toyed with. I discovered them in my seventh life. Read on…If you dare.”

It starts out all cute and cuddly. We learn that Garfield was once an adorable housecat named Tigger. But then Tigger apparently drinks some milk spiked with what can only be bath salts. And he starts having a really, really bad trip. Like really bad. He thinks an evil ancient cat ancestor wants to fist bump him and take over his body for sinister purposes. Tigger is clearly in massive amounts of pain as the evil ancient spirit consumes his being. Look at this! Horrific!!

But what happens next will shock you to your very core…

Sweet, old Maw Maw wants to play with her kitty cat… …AND GETS BRUTALLY MURDERED BY TIGGER.

And that’s how I found out that America’s favorite flabby orange tabby is a ruthless, deranged Grandma killer.

But do you know what’s even more terrifying than that little revelation?

Garfield in 1978…

What is this grotesque monstrosity?! That’s the Jeffy of cats. Monday’s don’t seem so scary now, do they?

To conclude… don’t EVER, under any circumstances, open or even go anywhere near Garfield: His Nine Lives. Just like Garfield’s gender, the reason why Jim Davis wrote this book of horrors remains an enigma.

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Jason Whitlock: Here’s why black men & black Americans relate to Donald Trump

Black celebrities like Kanye West & Ice Cube aren't alone. In fact, sportswriter Jason Whitlock says it shouldn't be a surprise that more and more black men are supporting Donald Trump. He says that unlike President Obama, Trump actually "has a record" of helping black Americans. And, because he's an alpha male, Whitlock says the president's fearlessness is something black men relate to. Whitlock explains why Trump nearly convinced him to register to vote, and he describes how his long-time Democratic mother reacted when she experienced a softer side to the president.

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Megyn Kelly: Media coverage of President Trump is ‘DISGUSTING’

Megyn Kelly is not happy about the "disgusting" media coverage of President Donald Trump, specifically pointing to Lesley Stahl's "60 Minutes" interview on CBS Sunday.

On the radio program, Megyn told Glenn Beck the media has become so blinded by the "Trump Derangement Syndrome" that they've lost their own credibility — and now they can't get it back.

"It's disgusting. It's stomach-turning," Megyn said of the media's coverage of the president. "But it's just a continuation of what we've seen over the past couple of years. Their 'Trump Derangement Syndrome' has blinded them to what they're doing to their own credibility. They can't get it back. It's too late. They've already sacrificed it. And now no one is listening to them other than the hard partisans for whom they craft their news."

Megyn also discussed how she would have covered the recent stories about Hunter and Joe Biden's alleged corruption. Watch the video below to catch more of the conversation:


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2020 M1 VIRTUAL GALA: Watch the entire event here in case you missed it live

On this special night, we rejoiced in the lives of those impacted by our humanitarian relief efforts, education programs and preservation of American heritage. Together, we will chart the way forward as we seek to better our country and the world around us. If you missed the event but would still like to donate, click HERE to submit your donation.

Thanks again for making this years M1 Gala one of our most successful to date!

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Bill O’Reilly: 'Be cautioned' if you think Hunter Biden story is enough to nail Joe

Bill O'Reilly is back! He joins Glenn to discuss the second — and last — presidential debate of the campaign season and he comments on whether or not Trump did enough to convince the average, uninformed voter of Joe's blatant corruption overseas. O'Reilly explains the origin of the Democrat narrative on Russian interference, why moderator Kristen Welker tried to stay off the Ukraine topic, and whether or not he believes Joe will be taken down by stories that mostly center on his son, Hunter.