Learn the Disturbing History of Garfield

Overweight. Lazy. Cantankerous. Orange.

Can you guess who I’m describing?

You’re right! It’s Garfield!!!

I usually hate cats, but I think Garfield could be my spirit animal. We both love Italian food and hate the first day of the week with irrational animosity. Despite his raw cynicism and blatant endorsement of binge eating, people all around the world have held a soft spot in their hearts for him for decades.

For example, Garfield hasn’t been relevant in popular culture since the eighties and yet the cartoon was played by legendary actor Bill Murray in, not one, but TWO movies in the 2000’s. AND they actually made money! “Garfield: The Movie” earned $201 million worldwide on a $50 million budget. “Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties” grossed a worldwide total of $142 million!

How is this Garfield empire possible?!

One word: Fear.

You are absolutely terrified of Garfield and will go to great lengths to keep him happy. Chances are you were traumatized as a child by the book “Garfield: His Nine Lives.” The documentary “Family Guy” first brought this book to my attention… I was so fascinated by Peter Griffin’s synopsis that I had to make sure the book actually existed.

It does. And now I own it and am terrified of its contents.

For one, the book is based on the false premise that cats have more than one life. This is incorrect. Cats are not special, they have one shot at life just like everybody else. So this implies that Garfield is in fact, a cat zombie, because he somehow keeps coming back to life. And his lives are freaking nightmare fuel.

Thanks to Garfield: His Nine Lives, we learn that he was once an alcoholic, womanizing private detective in the 1940’s named “Sam Spayed.” Sam Spayed was not a good guy…but the worst part about him was that he had the head of a cat and body of a man. He was an absolute freak of nature. That’s just not biologically possible on any level. Could you imagine a person with a cat head?! That’s terrifying!

Garfield’s fifth life doesn’t get any better.

In this life, he is a lab animal who is experimented on by the United States government. Now, we all can handle a little shot here and there…but Garfield can’t. After being injected with some experimental goo, he viciously attacks and presumably kills the scientist and escapes into the wilderness.

But it gets worse. The chemicals inside Garfield start to transform him into another species altogether: A dog. Again,biologically implausible. And not only is this cat now a dog, but he’s a dog with… Michael Jackson Thriller eyes. A monster dog with cat genes that has glowing eyes is now free to roam the world and cause death and destruction.

Shame on you, Jim Davis. Shame on you.

But nothing compares to Garfield’s seventh life. Even Garfield prefaces this chapter with the warning, “There are some forces within a cat that should never be toyed with. I discovered them in my seventh life. Read on…If you dare.”

It starts out all cute and cuddly. We learn that Garfield was once an adorable housecat named Tigger. But then Tigger apparently drinks some milk spiked with what can only be bath salts. And he starts having a really, really bad trip. Like really bad. He thinks an evil ancient cat ancestor wants to fist bump him and take over his body for sinister purposes. Tigger is clearly in massive amounts of pain as the evil ancient spirit consumes his being. Look at this! Horrific!!

But what happens next will shock you to your very core…

Sweet, old Maw Maw wants to play with her kitty cat… …AND GETS BRUTALLY MURDERED BY TIGGER.

And that’s how I found out that America’s favorite flabby orange tabby is a ruthless, deranged Grandma killer.

But do you know what’s even more terrifying than that little revelation?

Garfield in 1978…

What is this grotesque monstrosity?! That’s the Jeffy of cats. Monday’s don’t seem so scary now, do they?

To conclude… don’t EVER, under any circumstances, open or even go anywhere near Garfield: His Nine Lives. Just like Garfield’s gender, the reason why Jim Davis wrote this book of horrors remains an enigma.

Follow Stu Burguiere on Facebook to stay up to date on the Wonderful World of Stu.


INSANITY: High schooler ARRESTED after not wearing mask at school tells her story

On Thursday's radio program, Grace Smith and her father, Andy, joined Glenn Beck on the phone and provided a first-hand account of Grace's refusal to wear a mask at school.

Smith, 16, began a maskless protest after her school district in Laramie, Wyoming, decided to implement a mask mandate. As a result, Grace received three suspensions, was issued two $500-citations, and was eventually arrested.

"How long were you in jail?" Glenn asked.

Grace said was taken to jail but was never booked nor was she was placed in a jail cell.

Glenn commended Grace's father, Andy, for raising such a "great citizen" and asked if it was Grace's idea to protest. Andy said it was Grace's idea, explaining that they took the position of arguing on the grounds of civil rights rather than the efficacy of wearing a mask.

Grace has since withdrawn from public school and started a home school program. She also told Glenn that she will continue to fight the school district, legally.

You can donate to Grace's legal fund here.

To hear more from this conversation click here.

Disclaimer: The content of this clip does not provide medical advice. Please seek the advice of local health officials for any COVID-19 and/or COVID vaccine related questions & concerns.

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Jason Whitlock: Raiders coach fired by NFL as a ‘SIGNAL’ to others

Raiders Head Coach Jon Gruden was forced to resign (fired) by the NFL on Monday due to 'misogynistic' and 'homophobic' language found in several of his old, private emails. But Jason Whitlock, sports writer and host of 'Fearless' on BlazeTV, tells Glenn that Gruden's words never should have resulted in his job lost: 'We should have accepted his apology and kept it moving.' But instead, Whitlock says the NFL chose to use Gruden as a 'signal' for all other employees who may oppose the football organization's current, far-left political stances: 'Taking over sports, taking over the NFL, is crucial to the goals of the left and what they're trying to do.'


How an ‘orchestrated’ revolution is bringing America TO ITS KNEES

Victor Davis Hanson, Senior Fellow at the Hoover Institution, joins Glenn to discuss his new book, 'The Dying Citizen.' He explains how America's hippies from the 1960s are the progressive elites running our institutions today and how their 'well orchestrated' moves have created a top-down revolution that's 'bringing us down to our knees.' So, what's the solution? Davis Hanson tells Glenn what we can do to push back against the far left today…


Who Is More Evil: Government or Facebook? | Robby Soave | Ep 120

The Left and Right agree: Social media companies like Facebook are abusing their power — whether through censorship or harmful, groupthink-creating algorithms. But is the solution really more censorship and regulation, like government fearmongers and leftist "whistleblowers" have insisted? Glenn sits down with the senior editor at Reason, Robby Soave, who has a much more refreshing solution laid out in his latest book, "Tech Panic: Why We Shouldn't Fear Facebook and the Future." Politicians have weaponized the fear we have about social media. So, maybe we should be looking at the positives. Glenn and Robby take a look at the (very familiar) history of tech panic and censorship, balance the consequences of changing Section 230, and expose the real threat to the future of free speech: Progressive tyranny entrenched in the old school media.