It's never too early to start your Christmas, Hanukah, or Kwanzaa shopping. Or even birthday gift shopping. Especially if that special someone in your life is a Democrat. Because at last count, pretty much all the Democrats are now running for president. And that means there has never been a wider selection of official candidate merchandise to choose from. Whether you're into environmentalism, feminism, classism, socialism, or just plain love, there is a smorgasbord of classy items that you and yours will treasure forever... or at least until the next presidential election.
We have browsed each of the candidates' online stores, so you don't have to (it only took us three months). We have curated only the finest items from each of the Democrats running for president of the United States of America. Without further ado, here is your handy progressive gift guide – or maybe your what-not-to-gift guide.
First, the bargain basement options. Hurry! Time is running out to grab your Beto bandana, or your Delaney pack of golf balls, because at this point Stu has as much of a chance as these guys of getting the nomination.
Tom Steyer, for example – is he still in the race?
There's way too much Tom here. That shirt's got more Toms than a Caucasian dentists' convention.
For the slightly more moderate Democrat in your life, perhaps they'd like to join the "Yang Gang"…
Andrew Yang is a lock for Math Club president…
But for actual president? Well, I wouldn't make plans for how you're going to spend your $1,000-per-month Yang allowance just yet.
If you happen to be shopping for your dog, may I suggest this lovely "Dogs for Delaney" dog collar…
John Delaney's definitely going to secure the canine vote with this kind of outreach. As for any human votes, that's another question entirely.
How 'bout this tastefully understated "Natural Canvas" Michael Bennet tote to remind you he's also still here?...
Then again, it's a tote. So, it'll end up on the floor of your closet and you won't have it with you until that one random moment when you're out somewhere and you really need a tote bag. Just like Democrats will really wish they had a moderate when we're in the middle of the socialist nightmare of their creation.
Captain Planet himself, Jay Inslee recently dropped out of the race, but don't let that stop you from picking up what may be the greatest single item sold by anyone in this race…
A children's book called Elvis & the Elves: the Mystery of the Melting Snow. Written and illustrated by Governor Jay Inslee. Talk about a whodunnit – how could that snow possibly be melting? Spoiler alert: it's because of evil, white, patriarchal capitalism. And Donald Trump.
Then there's the candidate who thinks you're a moron that can't pronounce his last name: Steve Bullock...
Get it? Bull. Lock. Oh, so that's how you say the name that sounds exactly how it's spelled.
There's another candidate who also thinks you need help pronouncing his last name…
And he is definitely right about that. So, thank you, Pete "Boot Edge Edge." That helps.
Just outside the bargain bin section, but just barely, are candidates like Julian Castro and his "El Presidente" t-shirt…
When your last name's Castro, do you really want to go with a weird drawing of yourself as if you're a classic Latin American dictator on a postage stamp?
If you prefer a little "dark psychic forces" battling in your candidates, you'll love Marianne Williamson's "Turn Love Into a Political Force" rally sign…
"Turn Love Into a Political Force" would be an even better title for a Marianne Williamson album of 80s cover songs. And if you think I'm joking, then you haven't heard Bernie Sanders' classic 1987 folk album, We Shall Overcome. That's not a joke. Well, it is a joke, but it's also a very real thing.
Now, just a quick pause to consider the peculiar baby-wear that way too many candidates are selling…
Babies for Mayor Pete
…including Elizabeth Warren's trans-pride flag onesie. Let me get this straight – we can't force any gender on a child, because that's just cruel. But we can force a political advertisement on a baby? How do we know that baby is actually a Biden or Warren fan? The child may not even be a Democrat or a Socialist at all. That baby might self-identify as a Libertarian, or Republican, or even worse – a moderate Democrat.
Now to the premium items from the premium candidates. Elizabeth Warren – the candidate with the most honesty in her advertising…
-AND-
Warren's merchandise reflects the woman herself – cold and humorless (watch her "This isn't funny" clip from the last debate here at the 4:27 mark). I'm sure she's really fun once you get to know her. Then again, maybe not.
Speaking of serious women, Kamala Harris wants to be president very badly for you, the people, as you can tell from her "For the People" poster…
At $29.99 though, she's sure not charging "people's" prices. Of course, she might be having to pay royalties to a certain someone for riffing on their poster. Just saying.
For the race's number one socialist, there's a whole lot of capitalism going on in Bernie Sanders' campaign. He sells so many delightful items that it's hard to choose. But we did anyway. The most random item is this hundred-dollar, black, "Art of a Political Revolution – Artists for Bernie Sanders Coaches Jacket"…
Coaches across the land will be clamoring for this one. You know, since coaches are such a strong Bernie-socialist demographic.
If that's a little over your budget you might consider a "Feel the Bern" fanny pack, to help store all those government freebies you'll get from Bernie…
This is the only context in which you'll ever want to hear "feel the burn" and "fanny" in the same sentence.
And finally, from front-runner Joe Biden, we have this fine "Women's Fitted Biden Polo." Which is just about the best polo description ever…
It promises the kind of snug approach that Biden loves to provide women. Even when they don't ask.