PAT: We have Frank on the phone, Frank Caliendo, famous comedian, impressionist, Fox network television star of Mad TV. Also you've seen him many, many times on Fox NFL Sunday. He's got his own Vegas show now, Frank Caliendo.
GLENN: I mean, you want to talk about overachiever.
GLENN: How you doing, Frank?
CALIENDO: Well, if it isn't Satan itself. How ya doing? How's everything doing? Because I got some things to say. Beelzebub, how you doing? What's going on there, huh? Lucifer himself.
CALIENDO: How's it going? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say something bad. Did I say something bad to you? What's going on? Let's see. What else? Mephistopheles. I've just been on Google looking these things up.
GLENN: I'm sitting in a theater because Frank was talking about — I'm sitting in a theater last week and sitting right hundred dollars me is, what's his name, James Gandolfini.
CALIENDO: You can call me Jimmy but only for the sake of the story.
GLENN: And I said, hey, Jim, we have a mutual friend and I shook his hand and he just looked at me and said, what is Satan doing here? And I was like, I don't know, Satan could use a few laughs. Is Satan around? I don't — oh, me? It was just really bizarre.
CALIENDO: The — the last time I talked to you, every once in a while I talk to Terry Bradshaw who I'm on the Fox show with and I said, hey, Terry, I did the Glenn Beck show. And Terry was like, I tell you what, I listened to Glenn Beck one time. I boarded up my windows, I hid underneath my bed and I built a bomb shelter, Frank!
GLENN: (Laughing). And? Is he still in there or is he —
CALIENDO: I tell you what, frank, I didn't build an exit. I forgot the exit. I built an entrance but I didn't think the exit — shouldn't that be the same door? I never thought of that, Frank. Yeah, the — you know, it's amazing. I was thinking about this. I was wondering, have you — you know, like you were just talking about there with the meat prices, was everything — has everything always been a conspiracy for you? Like you started in top — in top 40 radio, right?
GLENN: Right, yeah.
CALIENDO: Were you like at one point Milli Vanilli is destroying things as we know it!
PAT: Yes, I was with him when he said that.
GLENN: Yes, actually that's true.
GLENN: And I stand by it.
CALIENDO: What if they are lip syncing, what will this lead to? The next thing you know, it will turn out that Vanilla Ice grew up in suburbs of Dallas!
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PAT: And he was right about that, too. Right about that, too.
CALIENDO: This segment brought to you by parachute pants. Parachute pants, just don't know when you'll fall out of the plane. I was — I've been at work, I told Pat I'm not really much further on the tone or the, you know, the voice. I don't know if I talked about this last time but a lot of different — you know, when you do an impression, sometimes you just have to hit the cadence of the person and say the right things.
CALIENDO: It's like with William Shatner, people are always going captain's log, start date 911, whatever they doing. You know what I mean? But you could do it lower. How many people are doing a Christopher walk and some people talk low, some people talk high, but you get that. But with you it was that, I told you that little theory of the, you know, you get real intense about something and then take the breath and then talk, give a family anecdote or talk about Goldline and —
CALIENDO: But then I was looking at the parallels and I was trying to find, you know, like I was looking at — I don't have this completely developed yet but, you know, you take somebody like Van Jones. Van, a vehicle, a vessel moving you somewhere. What are the first three letters in the word van? V A N. Vandalism! Vandalism! Van, vandalism, destroying someone's property! Jones, Jonesing for something! You want something really bad! I'm Jonesing for it! Van Jones, a communist. Break it down, what he wants to do. He very badly wants to drive us, drive us, van, destroy everything you and I stand for, America! He wants to destroy this country as we know it. Let me ask you this. How much are your computer files worth? Back up now with Carbonite.
CALIENDO: I do. Okay. Where were we, America?
CALIENDO: Andy Stern. Raggedy Ann. Who was raggedy Ann's best friend? Andy! Raggedy Ann and Andy. Dolls, what are dolls? They are like puppets! Stern, Howard Stern, the self proclaimed king of all media, the king. What our founding fathers knew they needed to get us away from. The stern king, Andy Stern is a puppet for the king who wants to rule us all. Take your freedoms away and tell us what to do! Van Jones! Andy Stern! How can you not see it, America?
I love it when you come up with, you find these people. That's the other thing is you'll find people that nobody's ever heard of and they can't have, like, normal names. Richard Cloward and Frances Piven. Sounds like a, you know, a comedy duet from the Eighties. Merle Pepperman and Maurine Smythe, who were they? I don't know. But I have people looking them up right now!
CALIENDO: You see this purple phone I have sitting next to me? On this purple phone I'm waiting for Merle to call. Call, Merle! Tell me I'm wrong about your name! Tell me that Maurine Smythe isn't actually pronounced Smith! You can't!
CALIENDO: They want to collapse the system.
GLENN: This is really, this is —
CALIENDO: The guests don't group. Huge alliteration. Some of the days you just, when you find the names of these groups, the Apollo Alliance (sighing). It was going to the moon. That's where they were going to send us! They were trying to send us away!
CALIENDO: (Sighing). I've run out of products.
GLENN: That's all, that's all I am to you, isn't it? I'm just a clown show for you. I am.
CALIENDO: No, I —
GLENN: Do you ever watch people like me on television and go, this guy's going to make me so much money!
CALIENDO: That's the thing. Like with John Madden, John Madden never liked me. Even in Time magazine a couple of years ago, he said things like, you know, I don't mind what he does. You know, he does the thing that he does.
GLENN: Oh, my gosh, that sounds just like him. Oh, my gosh, that sounds just like him.
PAT: Yeah, you are talking to somebody who is not —
CALIENDO: (Inaudible). But, you know, that takes years. I listened eight, nine years ago when I started doing John Madden, I sounded like, you know, there you go. And I was like, people are like, oh, that's really good. Now I'm doing Madden. Saul Alinsky, I mean, he's going to overload you! Now, that's what you need to do. John Madden with your chalkboard. There it is. Van Jones over here, we got the Rathke over here, we got Wade and Dale. We don't know what Dale's doing, but we think we know what Dale's doing. But then again his name's Dale.
CALIENDO: We looked over here and, you know, I try to put this together and, boom, this is just the progressive movement!
GLENN: Frank, when are you in New York? When are you in New York?
CALIENDO: I'm not sure yet. I'll going to get out there sometime.
GLENN: You have to make time. We'll have you co host the show or do the show. I think it would be hysterical. I think it would be hysterical.
GLENN: You just fill in and just take our old material and make fun of me! I think it's hysterical.