GLENN: Welcome to Friday, third most listened to show in all of America and strangely we're proud of that. Frank Caliendo is on the phone with us. It's Friday. We thought we would have a few laughs with Frank, are you in Vegas, Frank?
CALIENDO: Yeah, I am.
GLENN: Are you surprised how this career of yours is strangely working out?
CALIENDO: Yeah. You know, you go up there and you hoard out enough and it all works out.
GLENN: Is that what it is?
CALIENDO: Yeah. You know, I came up in the clubs and stuff like that.
CALIENDO: And I would do a lot of radio and, you know, just all the local different radio things and stuff like that you know, when you do voices, people can always use you for something.
GLENN: So let me ask you this, Frank. Have you done the president yet? Have you learned how to do the president yet?
CALIENDO: Well, you know, I've done a couple of those things. You know, I'd say we talked about it before. I'm still on just a little bit of a couple of phrases. It's that, let me be clear, that thing, let me be clear. And that's like when I said before is when he says that, he's going to try to change your mind. So
GLENN: Right, right, he's going to be anything but clear. Why is it that nobody
CALIENDO: Let me be clear, and clear is about as clear as clear can be.
GLENN: Not bad, not bad. How is it that no one in your business is doing any impersonations of this is the first president in my lifetime that I have not heard an impersonator do the president of the United States.
CALIENDO: Now, when you say "My business," you mean the comedy business?
GLENN: Yeah, the comedy business.
CALIENDO: Okay. I also trade stock. So
PAT: I'm surprised not many, not many stock traders, they are not doing that.
CALIENDO: Let me be clear. I tell you what, it's because there just isn't a great, uh...
CALIENDO: Sorry, TelePrompTer broke. I don't know. People do. It's I tell you what, it's very weird right now.
GLENN: No, they don't. No, they don't.
CALIENDO: Because I the first line that I do in the show every night in Vegas is I will say, I was watching President Obama the other day and, man, do I miss President Bush. Now, there's two sides to it.
CALIENDO: You know, there's the people that I get some boos and I get a lot of cheers, and it's changed. It's become more like that to me it's not even a joke. It's really, it's not even supposed to be political at all. You know, there's a hint of that, whether you want it or not, but then I say, you know, that I'm going to separate the people, the Fox News people over here, the MSNBC people over here, it's Olbermann versus O'Reilly, you know, that kind of thing. So but it's really changed.
GLENN: Do you ever have anyone claiming to be an Olbermann person?
CALIENDO: There was one.
PAT: There was one.
GLENN: We're going to put them over here in this glass.
CALIENDO: Well, that was where the Glenn Beck guy came up. You know it's funny because the joke is Glenn Beck guy, I called him that because everything is like, it's a conspiracy! And it appeared, and a chalkboard. Which is odd.
GLENN: Are you saying that I'm a little weepy?
CALIENDO: Well, I... uh...
GLENN: Really funny man?
CALIENDO: What's that chubby funny fella? But that's what people know you for.
CALIENDO: You know, I've watched you a lot and seen, uh do you see me backtracking, uh, right now? I'm kind of like Robert Gibbs at this point. I didn't say that, no.
CALIENDO: Uh, what article?
GLENN: Is Robert Gibbs quite possibly the worst presidential spokesman you've ever seen?
CALIENDO: He's confusing to me because he doesn't even lie well at this point.
GLENN: But do any of them?
CALIENDO: You could see his chin quivering at times, he's so scared. I have to ask you this, okay? So this is one of the things that I know you have trouble with your eyes and I you know, that's not something that I want to make fun of at all because I think that's a serious thing. I'm sorry to hear about that. But your choice of glasses?
CALIENDO: What are you thinking? Do you want people to think that you're crazy? Because the glasses, I mean, it's like the Birthers with, you know, looking for the birth certificate and stuff like that. I've heard that theory that you said they don't want to put the birth certificate out there because then people keep asking the questions and then it makes them seem crazier.
CALIENDO: But you with those glasses.
GLENN: My glasses are akin to Birthers? Frank no. Why did you pick the Michael Douglas falling down glasses? You remember that movie?
CALIENDO: Take a look, and you are going to see. Take your glasses off because I'm sure it will be a little blurrier. Take the glasses off and look at it. It looks like you! The picture of Michael Douglas, I think
GLENN: You are saying that's a bad thing?
PAT: Well, considering the guy went absolutely stark raving mad and started destroying the town.
GLENN: Is it they don't look anything like those glasses.
CALIENDO: They look enough like them to me. That's what I remember.
PAT: (Laughing). There's some reason that's there.
CALIENDO: Harry Potter or something, okay? That probably would have been better. But what made you pick those? If you are kind of like
GLENN: Here's the thing. I was in I'm losing my eyesight! Do you expect me to pick out good glasses? They all look the same to me!
GLENN: I took my wife wasn't with me. I took a bunch of pictures of glasses. She said, I don't know, it's kind of blurry; the brown ones. So those are the ones I bought.
CALIENDO: And grab me the M16 and the short sleeve dress shirt.
Now, here's the other thing that, I don't know if I I don't remember how this came to me because after I'm on the show, I'll get a lot of e mails about people with suggestions about things like people said that Obama, when President Obama talks, it's like he's watching a tennis match because he'll talk to one side and then talk to the other, you know, "And the score at Wimbledon is... let me be clear, I don't know the score." So this one I don't know if this was an e mail. My friend, I got a friend, John Holmberg who comes up with a lot of stuff. It might have been him. I've got to give him the credit because he always complains that I don't if I say something like this. But I think it was in it might have been an e mail. It was, uh somebody said that your voice
GLENN: Are you busy right now on something else? Are you
CALIENDO: Yeah, I'm actually researching Cloward and Piven.
GLENN: Are you doing laundry? Doing math? Can you focus, man?
CALIENDO: No, it's early. I need a pair of you glasses for my brain. That's what I need. I can't focus. So the voice that you sound very similar to, you are not going to believe this. Do you have any thoughts of who it might be?
GLENN: Who? What are you talking about?
PAT: That Glenn sounds like?
GLENN: Voices that I sound like?
CALIENDO: Yeah. There's the voice that Glenn sounds very similar to. Because there's a thing
PAT: I don't have any anything.
CALIENDO: Like, did I ever tell you this, that George Bush is like this but you change a little bit, it becomes Terry Bradshaw and it changes a little bit even more because Chris Rock, Ted Koppel, John Madden, those guys are very similar.
GLENN: Wait. Do the transition again?
CALIENDO: George Bush?
GLENN: Start with Bush.
CALIENDO: George Bush, you just take off your shoes and then it becomes Terry Bradshaw. And then you raise it up and it becomes Chris Rock.
PAT: That's amazing.
GLENN: You can make fun of my eyes but I can't say things back to him? Is that what you are saying to me, Stu?
STU: No, I'm not saying that.
GLENN: He can make fun of me because I'm going blind. He's clearly anti blind people.
STU: He's targeted you clearly.
GLENN: Clearly. Frank Caliendo is here.
CALIENDO: What did I miss?
GLENN: I just said how hurt I was that you were making fun of, you know, my blindness.
CALIENDO: I can see that you're so
PAT: He's weeping. He's been weeping but you know he's weepy anyway.
GLENN: Do I come after you, Frank? Do I come after you for whatever it is that
PAT: Cleanse them.
GLENN: Eating disorders or whatever it is you have.
CALIENDO: I'm sorry, Squiggy.
GLENN: All right. So you got a letter from somebody who said I sound like somebody else?
CALIENDO: Uh, yeah. I don't believe it was a letter. I think that it was maybe an e mail.
GLENN: You I'm sorry, I can't see the difference between them. Would you like to make another blind joke?
PAT: So who is it?
CALIENDO: Willy Wonka. Believe it or not.
GLENN: Willy Wonka?
CALIENDO: Yes, and I want you to say this to see. Now, it's the upper register of when and I've listened to it over and over, and it's pretty close. Can you just yell "You stole fizzy lifting drinks"?
GLENN: I don't think I can.
CALIENDO: You stole fizzy lifting drinks!
STU: That's great.
GLENN: You stole fizzy lifting drinks!
CALIENDO: I'm telling you, how about
GLENN: I don't hear it.
CALIENDO: The strawberries taste like strawberries, and snozzberries taste like snozzberries! Then work that into Cloward and Piven somehow. Van Jones, what did Van Jones smell? Strawberries. The strawberries taste like strawberries. The snozzberries taste like snozzberries!
CALIENDO: Which Tony Rezco tried to sell, hmmm? Oh, that probably has nothing to do with it. I love it when you do that, when you combine when you have like three or four people and you think, oh, this person has nothing to do with this person over here. Well, Glenn, how could that possibly be?
CALIENDO: They're in all the I can't see them. So just get off it. Here it is. Oh, fantastic, Glenn.
GLENN: (Laughing). Play the audio of what Barack Obama said yesterday about these Americans For Prosperity. Listen to this, Frank. I've never heard anything I've never heard anything like this. He's actually coming after the Americans For Prosperity group because, in his words...
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Right now all around this country there are groups with harmless sounding names like Americans For Prosperity, who are running millions of dollars of ads against Democratic candidates, all across the country. And they don't have to say who exactly the Americans For Prosperity are. You don't know if it's a foreign controlled, we don't know if it's a big oil company or a big bank.
GLENN: Now, this coming from the guy who's riddled with people from the Center For American Progress and Tides and moveon.org. I mean, you think there's anything?
PAT: Now, if Jim Rome was the White House spokesman, how
CALIENDO: Great segue there. How long did you think of that one?
PAT: Thank you, thank you.
CALIENDO: Maybe .2 seconds? Ridiculous. Go ahead. How great was that pause? That was a pregnant pause, pregnant with triplets. How great is that? How about the time I was in the Vatican with my cellphone? I was Rome in roam in Rome, Rome cubed, hilarious. Okay, the other day someone wrote me a letter, ridiculous. Who still uses actual paper and pen besides Charlie Rangel? Rangel? You used the wrong stationery. What are you thinking? Come on. Use the regular stationery, not the you stationery and maybe there wouldn't be a problem. Stop putting your names on everything, congress. Read something. How great is that? How great am I? Now I'm the White House. I'm just the White House.
CALIENDO: Let me do something else. I'm just going to have the president and all the people in the administration or whatever live and meet inside of me. It's getting weirder. These strawberries taste like strawberries. This is going about as well as the falling Dow reference did before Glenn went on the eating problem of Caliendo.
GLENN: Now, let me tell you something, Frank. Anytime you can work in a movie that nobody saw about ten years ago, those references work every time.
PAT: They're good, yeah.
CALIENDO: (Laughing). I basically go for the audience of six.
GLENN: Frank, you're
CALIENDO: Of Kevin Bacon which brings us back to Saul Alinsky, Tony Rezco and Jeremiah Wright. How great is that? I don't need a blackboard or a dry erase board to do that. I just know how to do it. Ridiculous. So
CALIENDO: press secretary?
CALIENDO: What am I dealing with?
GLENN: What are you what?
CALIENDO: What am I dealing with? What's the problem? Is there a question being asked? Glenn?
CALIENDO: Give a chance for the White House press secretary something. Could you ask it to me or would you just sit there and giggle in your blurry vision?
GLENN: Frank, we're coming up at the bottom of the hour. We've got to cut you loose. We want to thank you for being a part of the program again today. You're in where are you in Vegas?
CALIENDO: I'm at the Monte Carlo, the Monte Carlo in Las Vegas and the
GLENN: Now, is that the actual hotel or is that an old beat up car from the Seventies?
CALIENDO: You decide. You figure that one out.
STU: You can work that one into the routine if you work.
GLENN: Anytime. That's my gift to you. You can use it anytime.
CALIENDO: When I try to make more sense, maybe you should call me later.
GLENN: Frank, you've been great. You're at the Monte Carlo in I still am I'd love to have you on I'd love to have you on TV sometime.
CALIENDO: I'd love to do it. Thank you very much.
GLENN: No, we ask you and then you don't do it.
CALIENDO: Yeah. Well, I'd have to go out there and I'm busy.
GLENN: See? So don't say so don't say
CALIENDO: At the job.
GLENN: Do you say this on the air so you look good and then it hurts the blind guy who's looking for the phone to call you back and ask you? Is that what's happening?
CALIENDO: Yeah, yeah, I'll be honest with you. Let me be clear. Yes. Yes.
GLENN: Frank Caliendo, thank you very much.
[NOTE: Transcript may have been edited to enhance readability - audio archive includes full segment as it was originally aired]