GLENN: Can you imagine, can you imagine if John McCain were going to a church where his old friend who was 80 years old -- and this isn't even the case with Jeremiah Wright -- was 80 years old and he was still preaching this stuff and he was saying, you know, blacks are the problem and we've just got to get around the black problem and John McCain would go for 20 years. And first John McCain said, this is no big deal; I didn't hear those things. And then he later said, okay, I did hear them but, you know, I don't agree with them. And then he said, well, I didn't hear all the really bad things and if I would have heard those really bad things, I would have said something, I would have had a more harsh conversation with him. Can you imagine John McCain saying that?
GLENN: There's no way he could have. There wouldn't even have interviewed him for the second part.
GRAY: And then let's say -- I don't think McCain what is black heritage but what if he said something to a friend that was disparaging about white people and then he says, well, just talking about a typical black person, that's all I was doing, my friends. That was nothing racially derogatory. I was just using him as an example of the typical black person.
GLENN: Not even getting into the, been bred to fear white people.
GRAY: Oh, he would be done -- I think first of all he would be done as a legitimate candidate.
GLENN: Of course. You think he would have?
GRAY: He would be -- they would demand he resign from the Senate.
GLENN: Exactly right.
GLENN: The Republicans would replace him with a Pez dispenser.
GRAY: They would.
GLENN: They would. If they had to, they would go, the only guy we've got left is a Pez dispenser. Put it in the seat! Put it in the seat! We're running the Donald Duck Pez dispenser, Donald for President. And you know what? In today's America I would have voted for that one.
GRAY: Yeah, might not be a bad thing.
GLENN: I would have had an easier time voting for the Donald Duck Pez dispenser than John McCain! You can do that now without any racist stuff. I vote for Don the Pez! Hey, that kind of sounds Italian, doesn't it? Don the Pez. Hey, Don the Pez. Let's just say, let's make up a candidate. Let's make him Don the Pez for President! I'm voting for him!
GRAY: I bet if you ran that campaign you could get 50,000, 100,000 votes, maybe a million.
GLENN: Are you kidding me? Don the Pez is going to put candy in everybody's belly. Don the Pez is actually made of something sweet. You can eat Don the Pez. I like it.
GRAY: He will not tax you.
GLENN: Love that.
GRAY: He will not vote against the border fence. He will not increase your gas tax. I like it. I like it. And at the end of the Senate session, you eat him. It's brilliant. It's brilliant.
GLENN: He's got a black friend, Mickey Mouse! He's black -- well, he's almost black.
GRAY: Sort of. Kind of Oreo.
GLENN: No, the only thing that's black about him is his face. Are you kidding me? Never noticed that. Hmmm.
GRAY: We try to be killer blind on those types of things.
GLENN: Do you? On your mice?
GLENN: Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Thanks, Pat.
GRAY: All right.
GLENN: Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
GLENN: Do you have a politician do you know in the Texas area that's not sleeping with prostitutes, doing cocaine, smoking dope, embezzling money, having an affair with his wife or, or making up stories wholesale? Do you have one down there?
GRAY: Let me think. Maybe Ted Poe.
GRAY: Maybe. I don't --
GLENN: Do me a favor. Check in, run the plates on Ted's car.
GRAY: All right, I will.
GRAY: All right.
GLENN: See what comes up because he's got to be -- I don't think there's a politician left that's not doing something like that.
GRAY: There may be one but I can't say it with certainty.
GLENN: Now, they're going after the mayor of Detroit and he's going to hang on. He says he's not going to give in. But what I'm confused on is I thought that you were only charged with perjury when it mattered, that it didn't -- I mean, he was only lying about sex. And that doesn't --
GRAY: That's his personal life, right?
GLENN: Yeah, it is his personal life. He was having sex in his personal life.
GRAY: It's a witch-hunt. It's another one of these witch-hunts.
GLENN: The vast right wing conspiracies. All right. Thanks. Bye-bye.
STU: This is the way -- I can just see how you and your friend and everyone, you guys are just typical white guys. You don't understand.
GLENN: I'm making a T-shirt. I'm going to make a T-shirt and we're going to have a black box warning on it. Just typical white guy or typical white person. And then it should have a warning label on the black -- on the back. You know, black box kind of warning, you know, like they put on prescription drugs?
STU: Right. And what does it say?
GLENN: I don't know yet but it should have a warning on it that I could at any time experience these side effects, just whiteness can cause these side effects.
STU: I like that. I wouldn't wear it in a million years but I like it.
GLENN: Run the Air Supply again, would you? This music does make you feel better, doesn't it?
STU: It soothes, it soothes the white savage beast.
GLENN: Yeah. Which is like, "I'm going to get so upset with you in a second."
STU: This is actually, we should do an experiment. I've set up a little experiment. You've got you, Dan, as well as you, Glenn.
GLENN: The experiment?
STU: You guys are both typical white people. You feel good right now, don't you?
STU: Feeling soothed? Nothing big going on. Are you guys fans of horror movies like --
GLENN: Well, not really. The Ring really freaked me out.
STU: It's just something that -- now, actually I have, Dan, set up on the other computer there, if you can just hit the other computer.
DAN: This one over here?
STU: Bring down the Air Supply a little bit. I just want you guys to --.
GLENN: Oh, wait a minute, hang on, guys, hang on, guys. I'm so freaked out.
DAN: Stu, you've got to give me a warning. Air Supply quick, quick, quick.
GLENN: Oh, Dan, did, like, your life flash in front of you all of a sudden? I thought we were in danger.
DAN: My heart skipped about six beats.
STU: That's what I was saying, they have these movies out there, horror movies and that's the effect they are supposed to give you, that fear that at any time something could happen. Watch. Hit that other computer again. It's not the same thing. It's something different.
STU: Calm down. Calm down. Air Supply. Air Supply.
GLENN: All right, please.
STU: Now, I knew it was coming. So I'm not quite as scared. Are you okay? This actually --
GLENN: I can't, I can't do it anymore.
DAN: Glenn's under stress tests and everything.
GLENN: I'm under pressure. Do you know what happened today? Do you know what happened?
GLENN: I got out of the car today and Donovan, who is the doorman here at Radio City, Donovan was standing just out in the street without a sign on him or no warning whatsoever.
DAN: And you didn't have a --
GLENN: Black man at the door. And then what was worse, he came up with me. We went up the elevator, we talk. He's talked to me and I'm like, (screaming).
DAN: He followed you.
STU: Think of the Air Supply.
GLENN: Okay, okay.
STU: He's all out of love.
GLENN: Donovan isn't around, is he?
DAN: I mean, you didn't even have your iPod on or anything to be able to play the music to offset the horror.
STU: Yeah. Dan, put some other Air Supply on your computer there, Air Supply.
DAN: We cleared out everything, right?
GLENN: I need some Xanax, Sarah, if you can just get the doctor to call in --.