| They may look cute with their nice vests and big hats.... |
...however polar bears killed the entire family of this baby seal.
Insiders listen here to Stu's exclusive report on the Polar Bear live from the Arctic Circle.
GLENN: Is tomorrow the big day for polar bears? I believe it's tomorrow. Check on that. I believe tomorrow is the deadline to find out about whether the government is going to make polar bears and put them on the endangered species list. Now, why do you care? Everybody loves polar bears. You know they drink Coca-Cola? I love that. How do they get those shots? Everybody loves polar bears. I don't want to see the poor lovable polar bears which, by the way, will rip your head off and eat your gut from inside your ribcage. But nobody wants to hurt the poor little lovable killer polar bears. I don't want to wipe them off the face of the Earth or have, you know, tape their snout around an exhaust pipe. I would like to just examine the truth. This whole thing about, "Polar bears are on that one block of ice. Oh!" That was one story, one. Polar bear population in 1972 was 5,000. Polar bear population today is 25,000. Seems to me if you're going on the Endangered Species Act, you should probably be dwindling in numbers, not going up. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I've misunderstood how the Endangered Species Act works. The reason why the Endangered Species Act is being considered for polar bears is not because the cute little polar bears can't find a vending machine anymore to get any Coke because all the ice is melted and the Coke machine was on that piece of ice that is now melted. The Coke machine is at the bottom of the ocean by Fiji. The reason why they have it is because it is, like everything, most socialist programs, most progressive programs cannot be passed by congress, will not get passed by the American people. You need the court system to rule. So if they can get the polar bear onto the Endangered Species Act, then they can say, you can't drill up in the Arctic, you can't drill in Canada, you can't drill in Alaska because you'll hurt the polar bear. You must reduce the CO2 output on your factory, on the back of your car because you're going to hurt the poor polar bear. Because the polar bear's ice shelf -- think of this -- polar bear's ice shelf is melting. When the facts, just released by NOAA last week are that the polar bear ice shelf, the ice -- the sea ice shelf is at the second largest point it has ever been, unprecedented growth in the last year. I think the only time that it was beaten was 1979. All of a sudden the polar bear's ice shelf, what? Unprecedented growth. Maybe I've misunderstood global warming as well, and the endangered species act. It is a courtroom game.
Now, a lot of people will say, we've got to beat them. I'm thinking we join them. I'm thinking that maybe -- look. Your kids are like, "Poor little polar bears," and nobody's even talking about the facts. Nobody talks about the facts at all. "Poor little polar bears." Let's use the polar bear to our advantage. Guys, listen to me. You want that big screen TV? You want the plasma TV? Yes or no? Your wife... (mumbling). "Honey. Honey, I was listening to the show. I heard a commercial.
VOICE: Polar bears. They're vital to the Earth's stability. They provide an ecological balance in the coldest reaches the globe, places where mother nature never intended man to meddle in her master plan. They are one of the greatest and most useful gifts this planet has to offer and they are so gosh darn cute, too. Help prevent the unnecessary demise of this glorious, furry, cuddly animal. This message paid for by the National Plasma Capturing Campaign.
GLENN: Okay, see, okay. So we just start the campaign with this ad. "Look at that. The National Plasma Capturing Campaign. It's already starting to -- there's nothing in there overt and she's like, yeah, I like the polar bears, I want to save them. That National Plasma Capturing Campaign, that's fantastic.
VOICE: Greedy corporations are raking in billions of dollars at the expense of the lovable polar bear. They are slowly being driven from their habitats by plasma and other corporate factors. Don't let CEOs run wild and bathe in billions of dollars of cash while the polar bear's left to suffer. This problem can be stopped by fighting corporatism and plasma-related pollution. Please help today. This message paid for by the National Plasma Capturing Campaign.
GLENN: Got it? Now you've got -- no, now she's pissed. She loves the polar bear and she's pissed off at these greedy corporations and all of this plasma that's out there. Then it's the one-two bunch. Boom, we hit her with this.
VOICE: By now you know that the science is settled. Plasma is causing the extinction of polar bears. If we are not careful, polar bears could be gone by noon Thursday. Fortunately there is something you can do about it. Green companies are thankfully collecting the plasma at the poles and using it responsibly. Go out today to your local electronics dealer and bias many of these captured plasma TVs as you can get your hands on. Plasma kills polar bears. Thus we must capture the plasma in flat screen televisions for the Earth. It's got a killer picture, too. HD all the way. But this is about the bears. Save a bear and save your TV-watching experience. Plasma TVs. Buy one. Buy as many as you can afford because the cute little polar bear can't afford to wait any longer. This message paid for by the National Plasma Capturing Campaign, and men everywhere.
GLENN: I think that's fantastic. "Honey, you know the northern lights? Northern lights are killing polar bears." (Mumbling). "Nope, plasma. Where do you think all the color's coming from. Why do you think plasma TVs are so colorful?" Cars or blenders, I'm not sure which but plasma comes out of the tailpipe and exhaust of lots of these evil corporations. In fact, we're not sure, honey, but we think plasma is caused by the use of fluorescent light bulbs and everything makes a difference. So I'm going to replace all these fluorescent light bulbs with regular just incandescent. They have no plasma in them. But all that plasma's released. It's released, and it's lighter than air. And that's why it's trapped at the top of the Earth where all the polar bears are because it just kind of -- you know, I mean, if you are releasing plasma, you know, down by the equator, it's so light, it just goes right up to the top of the planet and it's trapped in the ozone layer. Which, it used to get out but then they repaired that stupid hole that we were freaked out about. Oh, yeah, let's fix the hole in the ozone layer. We fixed it and now it's trapped all that plasma. So what Sony does is they go up in these big green environmentally friendly, made out of ice ships, that way when we're done using the ship, they just melt. They go up and they capture all of the plasma that you see and, oh, look at the dummies. "Look at the northern lights, aren't they pretty?" They capture all of the plasma. They put them into these giant double-hulled plasma tankers made entirely out of ice and then they float them back to Japan where the plasma is captured in these flat screen televisions and just as they get the last bit of plasma out, the ice tanker melts. So we're really doing a service to our country and to our -- honey, it's not just the polar bears. It's our children. I really don't want a 60-inch plasma. I mean, we could -- you know, we could do the 40-inch but shouldn't we really, for our kids, for the polar bears. Shouldn't we go for the 60?
Men of America, you're welcome.