Stu's disclaimer - If your children are learning anything from Glenn, you are a terrible parent.
STU: I want to know if you are going to apologize for your television last night.
GLENN: What did I do on -- don't even -- if you are thinking about what I think you're thinking, don't even bring it up.
STU: No, I think I should bring it up because I think that -- well, first of all, there may have been --
GLENN: This might be a marriage thing, Stu. This might be -- you might be treading into territory -- are you talking about with Ben Stein?
STU: Yes, with Ben Stein.
GLENN: This might be something that you don't want to bring up because -- get in trouble last night. I was --
STU: Oh, you are saying that's going to make me not want to bring it up?
GLENN: No, no. Listen. We talked about cap and trade. Remember we talked about your wife with cap and trade and I did this whole bit about how, you know, you've got to put age limits on your women and you just, you cap them and then you trade them. And your wife just turned 30 and so we did this big deal. And my wife got a note from somebody that said, your husband, I can't believe -- make him sleep on the couch. She didn't listen to the show and so she didn't know and so I told her and we were at dinner last night. She said, what is this all about, this cap and trade thing and I told her and she just shook her head and looked at me and said, you are amazing. And I said, it's funny, cap and trade. She said, do I get to trade you? And I said, yeah. You trade me in for Michael Eisner.
GLENN: That didn't really make it much better, but she had a good sense of humor about it.
STU: By whose perspective.
GLENN: Yeah. So she -- what?
GLENN: So she, you know, she has a good sense of humor and she knows me. Last night she's watching the television show and I'm sitting next to her and Ben Stein comes on and I said... and Ben Stein, we're talking about this new law in Sarasota County where they can -- where they're going to test you. You can't have smoked for at least a year. And if you smoke even at home, car, any time, you smoke, you can't work for the county. Now, here's where the problem is. The problem with this is universal healthcare, sorry, it's coming. If the government says I'm not going to give you a job and I'm not going to give you insurance if you smoke, well, what about all those poor uninsured people? What about those 43 million Americans that just won't be able to have health insurance? What about them? And by the way, the government is making money off of cigarette taxes. So they need smokers. They should be handing out cigarettes to children because they keep raising taxes and they keep saying, well, it's only because we don't want people to smoke. But they're making money on it.
So you've got the cigarette tax thing, you have universal healthcare. And what's next? Fast food? The BBC, there was a story in the BBC yesterday that said the obese are causing all of the world's ills. That was the headline. You're kidding me, right? Fat people? We eat too much, we -- takes more gas and fuel to bring our food to us because we eat more food. Costs more to drive us around because we're heavier. The obese are the cause of all the world's ills. So when does that happen? When universal -- I'm telling you it's all going to be tied into universal healthcare. It's coming.
So we did this, and Ben Stein, I called him before the show and I said, stop on the way and get a hamburger, will you? And he just laughed and he said, really? I said, yeah. And he said, I love doing your show. So we didn't even talk about -- nothing. So he starts eating -- at the beginning of the show he turns to the camera and he was going to start eating when we were talking because he did two segments. He was going to start eating while we were talking about oil. And he turned and I said, what are you doing? He said, I want to eat. And I said, eat on your own time. And so then he knew, oh, I guess I don't want to eat on this story. So then a half hour later he comes back and he had been -- I've been watching him in the monitor. He got a bag of -- I mean, he's just eating McDonald's. He's just watching the show being taped and he's just eating McDonald's. So we get on the next one and he starts to eat his McDonald's and little does he know I also went to McDonald's and I got a pack of cigarettes. And so we come back and he's eating and he's talking about how bad it is and then they come back to me on camera and I've got a cigarette in my hand and it's lit and I take a drag off the cigarette, which, I haven't had a cigarette in 20 years. Ughhh, I couldn't get the smell out of -- oh, it was just horrible.
So I'm sitting there on the couch and it was -- Stu, funny?
STU: It was very funny.
GLENN: Very funny. And we should put the clip up on the website.
GLENN: And so we're sitting there on the couch and I said, oh, this is funny. And Ben is just really, really funny and then they come back to me and I'm smoking a cigarette and coughing and he's talking seriously about whatever he was talking about. And he stops and he looks down at his monitor and he says, are you smoking a cigarette? And my wife, she turns to me and she said, what are you doing? And I said -- this is the moment -- I mean, every guy has had this moment where your wife -- where you think you're doing something funny and you realize, uh-oh, wife doesn't find this funny. Have you ever been in that situation?
STU: Of course. Then you try to find a way out.
GLENN: Yeah. And so I said -- she said, what are you doing? And all of -- right then I went, uh-oh. And so I said, "Comedy." She said, what? And I said, "It's comedy. I'm just doing something funny on TV." She said, "We don't smoke." And I said, "I know. But it's funny." And she said, "Oh, so it's just comedy smoking." And I said, "Yes." And she said, "We don't smoke." And I said, "I know, but I wasn't smoking. It was -- it's like I'm an actor. I'm just, I'm just, I'm pretending to smoke. I didn't..." this is the worst thing I should have said. "I didn't inhale."
STU: You did not say "I didn't inhale."
GLENN: "I didn't inhale." (Laughing). She said, "I thought that one didn't work for you." I said, "Honey, it was just comedy. It was just, it was just for comedy." She said, "We don't smoke!" And I said, "But look. See, I'm coughing. I'm not glamorizing it. It's not like you're looking at me going..." she said, "I can't believe you. I can't believe you." And she was so pissed at me. And she said, I can't believe you would -- and I just, I didn't know what to say. So I threw my friend under the bus.
STU: What do you mean?
GLENN: Well, we hired as a company our first Mormon.
STU: You did? You've broken the Mormon barrier on the program.
GLENN: I've broken the Mormon barrier.
GLENN: We've got like 40 employees. I finally hired one. Poke him with a stick. How does that feel, freak boy? So I said to Tania -- because he came down afterwards and he said, I'm watching your -- I'm watching the show. Were you smoking? And I said, "Yeah. It was funny, right?" And he went, "Yeah, it was funny, but you were smoking." And I said, "Yeah, but it was funny." That should have been the tip-off to me to not watch the show with my wife. Me, no, I don't get it yet. So I didn't know what to say. So she's like, "We don't smoke" and just went on and on and on and on. And I had nothing to say. So I said, "Joe said it was okay."
STU: What, are you 12?
GLENN: I was. I turned into a 12-year-old. I swear to you, I swear to you. My wife scares me. Because she's always right.