GLENN: Sometimes you're in the moment and you know what the right thing to do is and then for some reason you're just -- it could be that your heart is two sizes too small and so you don't do it. Like, let me think if I can think of another example. Oh, I don't -- let's say Stu.
STU: This is ridiculous.
GLENN: Let's say Stu was out on the streets of Manhattan yesterday and he witnesses a robbery and a -- no, no. Stu, he witnesses a robbery and two thugs taunting this guy at a newsstand and one guy is trying to keep him busy, one of the robbers trying to keep him busy and the other robber comes around the other and starts stealing stuff. And they taunt him. Stu witnesses the whole thing, does nothing. Did you call police?
STU: He called police, the guy working at the --
GLENN: Really? After they were stealing everything? Did you call police? Did you even say, "Hey," any of that?
STU: I looked for a police officer. There wasn't one around.
GLENN: Right. And then you just watched it?
STU: Just watched it? We were approaching -- and it wasn't just me, by the way, it was me, Dan and Sarah.
DAN: I witnessed its, Glenn. He did nothing.
DAN: Yeah, he did absolutely nothing. I was right there to see Stu's reaction.
STU: He got a fantastic view of it from 20 feet behind me.
GLENN: So in other words, there were a lot of people that were witnessing it?
STU: Yes, there was hundreds of people.
GLENN: Kind of like, oh, what's her name, King Genevieve, you know, where 100 people are like, "Oh, help me, help me, I'm being stabbed to death, help me." And then nobody does anything? Kind of like that?
STU: No, nothing like that at all, nothing like that at all.
GLENN: Dan, was it like that?
DAN: Oh, it was so clearly like that.
STU: You didn't even do anything. Why are you attacking me?
GLENN: Dan, Dan.
DAN: I was the one behind him. He was the one in the right moment and he didn't act.
GLENN: Stu, did you have your cell phone on?
DAN: Mine doesn't have 9s and 1s, either.
GLENN: Hang on, hang on. Let me just try to recreate this scene. So it was you, Dan? You were walking?
GLENN: Stu was walking.
GLENN: Dan, let me --
STU: And Sarah.
GLENN: Was Sarah walking with you? Were you protecting the pregnant woman?
DAN: I was totally guarding Sarah as much as I could. So I was kind of tied up. She's kind of big.
GLENN: Stu, you were there. Dan is protecting Sarah, who happens to be pregnant.
DAN: Pregnant, right.
GLENN: On the street from these two thugs. Were they brandishing any kind of firearm or anything like that?
DAN: I don't know. I was too busy protecting Sarah to see exactly what was going on. Stu, maybe you should --
GLENN: Stu, can you describe them?
STU: You are mischaracterizing this incident a little bit. I wouldn't call it a robbery as much as a petty theft of three packs of jolly ranchers, specifically three packs. And one of them was returned.
GLENN: Can you describe the criminals?
STU: Yes. They would be teenagers in a group of approximately six or seven with two of them being the main culprits.
GLENN: Can you describe what they were wearing?
STU: I would say traditional teenage clothing. I don't know.
GLENN: So in other words, they were in pants?
STU: T-shirts and shorts or T-shirts or something.
GLENN: Were they pants or were they shorts?
STU: I don't remember. I don't recall.
GLENN: Is that because you were hiding around the corner in the bushes crying like a little girl?
GLENN: You don't remember? You stood there, you watched it? You are a witness, you say police was called. You watched the whole thing. You don't remember what they were wearing?
STU: Why would I remember what they're wearing? What the hell does that have to do with anything?
GLENN: Because you're a witness, man!
STU: What does that have to do with anything? Who cares what they were wearing when they --
GLENN: Stu, Stu, Stu. Stu, Stu, Stu. There's really only two things you could do. One, you could run in the bushes like a little girl and go, "I don't want to get involved," okay, which you chose to do.
STU: No, I did not do that.
GLENN: Well, because there's no bushes in Manhattan. If you were, you would have been behind them. Dogs would have been going to those bushes for the rest of their lives because you would have already marked that spot and they would have been like, jeez. So you would have been in the bushes, but you weren't. You wet yourself there on the sidewalk and --
STU: I didn't wet myself.
GLENN: Pardon me?
STU: I just walked -- it was three Jolly Ranchers. I didn't make a big deal out of it.
DAN: He was walking a little awkward after the incident, Glenn. So probably, I think you are right.
GLENN: So anyway --
STU: Never will you be defended on anything ever again, Dan. We have plenty of time.
GLENN: Stu, please. So you are walking down the street, you see this happen. You do nothing. You watch the whole thing.
STU: Well, yeah, yeah, pretty much, yeah.
GLENN: Okay. You don't remember any of the details?
STU: You asked one detail. I've told you 20 details. You asked for one detail.
GLENN: All right, hang on, hang on. "Mr. Burguiere, you're a witness of this event. Could you tell me a little bit about it?"
STU: Yes, I was walking down the street with --
GLENN: I don't care about you. I'd like to know about the perpetrators so we can find them. Like, can you describe them, please?
STU: They were teenage -- they were teenage African-Americans.
GLENN: Okay, teenage African-Americans.
STU: Am I allowed to say that in this country these days?
GLENN: Okay, teenage African-Americans.
STU: They were males.
GLENN: Okay, hang on just a second. Bill, can you round up all the teenage African-American males in the city, please?
STU: Oh, no. Because a white T-shirt would have really narrowed that one down.
GLENN: Hang on just a second. So we now know there was a white T-shirt.
STU: No, I didn't say that. If I said that, if I had the color of their shirt, you would have been able to narrow it down.
GLENN: Hang on, go round up all of the kids. Let's look for the -- what color are the T-shirts?
STU: This is the point. There would be no way to -- this is exactly making my point. You are making my point.
GLENN: Were that he wearing shorts or --
STU: Police officer, you're making my point.
GLENN: Were they wearing shorts or pants? Were there any distinguishing marks? Can you describe what the children --
STU: They were wearing socks, too! Now we know who it is! Just get all the African-Americans with socks!
GLENN: You are the worst witness in the world!
STU: You are the worst prosecutor in the world! You have no idea what you're doing! You are asking over and over again.
GLENN: You know what, Dan? Dan, do you have it ready?
DAN: Yes, I do.
GLENN: You do have it ready? Stu, I've decided that there's a new -- I've got a new superhero that we're going to play on the program. Go ahead.
VOICE: Faster than a speeding mullet, more probably than nothing probably and --
GLENN: Stop, stop, stop. Dan, I didn't write -- I didn't write speeding bullet.
DAN: No, you've got to listen closely. It doesn't say speeding bullet. It's speeding, speeding mullet.
VOICE: Faster than a speeding mullet, more powerful than nothing probably and they will delete small objects after several attempts. It's Super Stu to the rescue.
VOICE: Yes, yes, that's right. Jeez, holy cow. Is that guy over there, he's raping that girl? Oh, good thing Super Stu is here. Crap, why do these things always happen to me? Wait, wait. Hang on. Maybe -- that's it. Maybe there are just a couple. Perhaps those screams for help are that she's into it. You know, maybe she's like, whoa, help, oh, yeah, help, baby. I mean, look at the way she's dressed, clothes are torn all apart. Who goes out of the house in their -- kids these days. Who dresses like that unless they are going to look for it? You know what I'm saying? Oh, crap. I better get out of here. I'm going to miss South Park.
VOICE: Super Stu has done it again. He's let the bad guys go and heads back to his vegetarian mansion.