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GLENN: I can't believe scientists are now saying that we should eat bugs. No, we shouldn't eat bugs. We're the United States of America! We're not eating bugs. I'll eat chocolate shaped like bugs.
STU: Or we will eat bugs for prizes on television. That we will do.
GLENN: I won't do that.
STU: America will do it.
GLENN: No, they won't. Most of America won't do that.
STU: Most of America won't.
GLENN: Right. The people who are on Cops will do that. No, not all the people on Cops will do that.
STU: I'm talking about like Fear Factor. They will do that.
GLENN: No, I think those are the people who are like, no, I'll be on Cops, but I ain't taking this T-shirt off and I ain't eating no bugs.
STU: Now, I will say I was watching, I believe it was Modern Marvels about chocolate and I think I've seen it about six or seven times.
GLENN: Don't wreck chocolate. Do not wreck chocolate for me.
STU: No, there's a company. I don't know what that company is but they make all sorts of weird bugs and stuff and they put them in chocolate. Chocolate covered grasshoppers.
GLENN: Yeah, I've seen them. As much as I like chocolate, I'm not eating chocolate covered grasshoppers. You know, why don't you come over because I've got some rabbit terds. I've put them in a nice milk chocolate. I don't care how much -- you can have three inches of chocolate inside. It's still a rabbit terd.
STU: Yes, that's a very -- you know what, that's a good rule to live by.
GLENN: It's a good rule to live by. What's underneath the chocolate. Thank you, but no thanks.
STU: Well, this is coming from an environmental murderer. You want to kill the Earth.
GLENN: Yes, I do. By the way, they have this thing -- I mean, they're just getting the kids ready to go. "Kids, go ahead, eat those bugs. It's good for the environment." In Australia now there's a website that is for kids and it tells you how old you should be when you die, so you don't use more -- quote, don't use more than your fair share of the world's resources. What? You're telling my kid what year they should die in? How old they should be when they die? I haven't taken the test yet, but what it is -- are you ready with it?
GLENN: What it is is a website where you are represented by a pig and it's how big of an energy pig are you. And if you go over, then your pig explodes and then it says you should die at, like, 9 1/2 years old. Well, that's great. That doesn't freak kids out.
STU: No. They love it.
GLENN: Okay. Go ahead. So do you have?
STU: How do you usually get around, bicycle, walk, bus or train, taxi, motorbike, by car as a light user, car as a medium user or car as a heavy user.
GLENN: Heavy user car.
STU: That's for you
GLENN: Just having some crickets. Go ahead.
STU: Is the car you drive a fuel guzzler?
STU: Okay. How far did you fly in the last year? It goes from zero to the whole scale of -- and then over 40,000 kilometers, which --
GLENN: (Crunching food).
STU: Poor cricket.
GLENN: That was a bird.
STU: Oh, sorry. Over 40,000 kilometers --
GLENN: That was a Starling. Those things piss me off.
DAN: Was that the beak? Because it sounded kind of crunchy.
GLENN: No. If you deep fry bird, you don't even have to pluck the feathers off. You just deep fry them, feathers get all crunchy. And they never build a nest at your house anymore.
STU: How far did you fly in the last year, in kilometers, please.
GLENN: I don't know kilometers.
STU: Well, I mean, how many miles.
GLENN: I don't know. How many miles?
STU: I don't know.
GLENN: I've probably --
STU: I don't know. Two tours. The tours have got to be, what, 8,000 miles by themselves each.
GLENN: You've got to go 40,000.
STU: Got to be over 40,000. How much of your flying is for work percentage-wise?
GLENN: All of it.
STU: You've got to take some private, when you went on vacation and stuff.
GLENN: Oh, how much is for work. How much is --
GLENN: 75, 80%, maybe 90. I really only take a vacation --
GLENN: 90%? Yeah, I think so.
STU: All right. What size place do you live in, a small house, medium size, large house or flat?
GLENN: That was the furry caterpillar. Huge house, enormous. Practically the White House.
STU: You know what's good about the furry ones is they kind of go down easier.
GLENN: You know, I like the caterpillar with the gooey filling. And if you take him right out of the deep fryer, the gooey filling is still warm.
STU: What was that gum that they had for a long time where, like, you bite into it and it would kind of explode in your mouth? Do you know what I'm talking about?
GLENN: Yeah. Oh, it was creepy stuff.
STU: It was a little creepy. But that's kind of the same feeling I get.
STU: How many people do you share with? How many people live at your house? More than four, right?
GLENN: Yeah, more than four.
STU: Because you got that whole commune thing going on there.
GLENN: Yeah, yeah. I got more than four. 100.
STU: For your household size, how big are your energy bills? Low, typical or over the top?
GLENN: Low. I haven't had energy -- for a house my size, I'm in an energy star rated home.
STU: All right. I guess I'll accept that.
GLENN: No, I do. I am.
STU: For your size. Like it does say --
GLENN: No, it says for your size. I'm an energy efficient home.
STU: I don't think your house and their idea of a large house are the same thing. That's what I'm going to think. We'll give it to you.
GLENN: Look. The children's wing is like 40,000 square feet. What?
STU: Is your electricity from a renewable source, hydro or green?
GLENN: Don't care. Don't really care. Nope. Hopefully I'm pumping that energy right out of the, you know, one of the Saudi king's head. I don't really care.
STU: I guess the question is does your toaster turn on. And if so, then you know you're probably not getting it from solar panels.
GLENN: Yes. My electricity is constantly running. It's constantly available at a regular rate. So, yeah, it's not renewable.
STU: Right. Do you recycle your waste and compost organic and green wastes?
GLENN: When you say waste.
STU: I'm going to say garbage. I don't think that they're thinking --
GLENN: No. Unless you can count -- the garbage, no. I mean, you know, a little bit. What my wife does. I don't.
STU: But is it -- like it's probably a lawn.
STU: It's a law in --
GLENN: Sure, and I live the letter of that law and the spirit of that law, I tell you that right now. What's not included in the law, I go the extra mile, too.
STU: Was that a salamander?
GLENN: No. That was a tarantula. Not very good. How many, how many more? Quick.
STU: Right now?
GLENN: Yeah. And then we'll come back. You tell me when I should die if I were a kid.
STU: Let's see. We've got how often do you eat meat, a hell of a lot, right?
STU: 10, how much money did you spend all of last year, over the maximum, of course. And let's see. Do you spend any money on green stuff or ethical investments?
GLENN: Let me think about. It nope.
GLENN: Help me out. What were the last two questions on this website for your kids to find out. So your kids can find out when they should die because they're an energy pig.
STU: Yeah. The last one is, of the money you spend last year, how much of it was spent on, A, ordinary stuff; B, stuff that's better for the environment; and C, ethical investments, investing in businesses, organizations that make environmentally responsible.
GLENN: I'd have to ask my 8-year-old on what their investments were! Jeez.
STU: I guess they could just be buying stuff from certain companies that are green.
GLENN: Oh, is that really? Yeah, let's make sure that they buy the products that claim they're green. What do you mean? What was the last one?
STU: Ethical investments, investing in businesses, organizations that make environmentally responsible products. But that's on the, how much money did you spend last year. That's one of the options.
GLENN: How much money did you spend last year?
STU: Yeah. I mean, if this doesn't tip you off as to this is just anticapitalism.
GLENN: It's anticapitalism. It's antirich people. It's anti, you've got too much money.
STU: Yeah, and this is, I would say the one that affects your CO2 level most of all.
GLENN: And I have to tell you something. Can you go back and change that last answer on me?
GLENN: Go back and change that last answer on me because I would say that -- I mean, you know some of the things that I -- I don't invest in. I give my money to. I would say they're all ethical, wouldn't you, Stu? I mean, I'm not --
STU: Well, it's ethical investments but that make environmentally responsible products. So I mean, I don't know that you invest in that.
GLENN: You've got to be kidding me. You've got to be -- so I'm being told I should die earlier because my ethical things --
STU: Are fighting cancer instead of --
STU: -- building a windmill.
GLENN: How about sending people to school? They could go and become an environmental genius with a college education that they coon afford.
STU: They would also live longer. They might be smart enough to make sure they take care of themselves and then all this stuff happens.
GLENN: So how old would I be?
STU: All right, let's see. We'll blow up the pig here. By the way, you're saying nothing on ethical investments, correct? I want to make sure I'm getting that right.
GLENN: I don't think I do -- I don't think I -- I don't intentionally go out of my way to buy anything, but I also don't, you know, look -- hang on just a second. Oh, no, this one kills the Earth faster. I don't also do that.
STU: Yeah, I would say specific -- honestly I specifically -- there's two options and they're equal and one of them is bragging about how green it is, I will avoid it.
GLENN: You know what, I'm getting to the point now where I avoid it too. Did you see John McCain -- this pissed me off. Did you see John McCain gave his speech the other day behind -- he was standing in front of a green backdrop? That never happened before. The back drops are selected for a reason. You always see them behind a blue back drop because it's credibility. If you see a red backdrop, it's because they're trying to evoke power to you. A green backdrop, what do you think that means? All right, so when do I die?
STU: You should die, Glenn, at age 1.3.
GLENN: I'm just eating this caterpillar here and thinking, man, it sucks to be an environmentalist, huh?