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GLENN: I've got so many things that I can't wait to share with you. Gee, where do I start? The judge that has banned the use of the word "Rape" at a rape trial, got that one. That one's really good. I love this one. The threat of world AIDS pandemic among heterosexuals is over. Good, we can all stop using those stupid condom things. Oh, that's not going to go well. That's not going to go well. Here's probably my favorite story of the day. This is from USA Today. "Come look at this house and I'll give you a bottle of wine," and I bet they would follow it up with, "And if I give you enough wine, you might sign this nice little paper. Could I just get you to, I just I'm collecting autographs. Do you want here, have another glass of wine. Just sign right here for me. I'm an autograph collector." Home sellers are offering freebies in attempt to draw possible buyers. Now, here's where they're doing. Ready? Charlottesville, Virginia. They're getting her name is Barbara Potter Drinkwater never buy a house from Barbara Potter Drinkwater. I'm sorry. She's trying to get other Realtors and potential buyers to see her open houses. She's tempting them with live music. I don't think I'm going to come to an open house if she's got live guitar players, live guitar music. "Hey, honey, what do you want to do tonight?" "I don't know. Barbara Potter Drinkwater's got a nice guitar player playing at the house down the street. What do you say we go have a free glass of wine, maybe kick back, listen to the free guitar music, look at the house that we have no intention of buying because we can't afford the gas that it would take to drive down the end of the street. But free wine, guitar music and Barbara Potter Drinkwater will be there. She's fantastic." What are you doing! Free guitar music! That's definitely not the house that I'd buy. I don't go anywhere near that house. "Open house? Oh, they're going to have..." can you imagine the collection of losers that are showing up there? No, seriously. No, come on. Admit it. Are you going to hear free guitar music at an open house? No. No, you're not. Why? Because you're normal. If you think like, "Friday night, what do you say we kick back, hear some free music." We're sitting in somebody else's house that they are trying to sell. Come on.
The other things that they're offering, $30 bottles of Chardonnay, Godiva chocolates. Oh, you know, life's like a box of chocolates. Live guitar music, vodka tasting. You notice now two out of the last five here have been alcohol involved? Of course. "No, really have some more vodka. The economy's about to turn around. It's going to be great. Have a little vodka. Would you like some more wine? Gas prices, we'll be paying 30 cents before you know it. Want to buy the house?" They are also having cocktail parties. Again no alcohol served there, I'm sure. Cocktail parties? I don't want to go to cocktail parties with people I do know. I want to go around to have a cocktail party maybe we could all break out and we could just bid on the house. Maybe just an auction will break out. A cocktail party? How desperate and friendless must you be to go to a cocktail party thrown by Barbara Potter Drinkwater? She's not the I hate to stick Barbara Potter Drinkwater I'm only using her because of her name because what a stupid name that is, but she's not the only one.
In California if you go see a house listed by Elaine Pinel oh, geez, she'll give you free dog biscuits. Have we really come down to this? Are we those people where we're like, oh, I don't know, honey, I didn't want to go but they're going to give us free dog biscuits"? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Food's so expensive. We might have to eat the dog biscuits ourselves (laughing). I mean, come on! Who's being induced to get in their car and drive to an open house that they don't want to see because they can get free dog biscuits? Shoe shines, they're offering shoe shines. Pardon me, boy, just looking for a shoe shine. Wife's going to take a spin around the house. I thought maybe you could buff my shoes? A shoe shine? This is like something that, this is like out of the Our Gang comedies. This is like I expect, what was, Spunky, Spotty, Sloppy? What was the fat kid's name in Our Gang? Did nobody grow up watching Our Gang? Spunky, Spotty, Spanky no, it wasn't Spanky. No, it was Spanky because I remember Eddie Murphy did Panky, remember? It was Buckwheat and Panky. All right, I don't remember. Yeah, The Little Rascals. I mean, Stu, you didn't watch Little Rascals? Those are the Our Gang comedies.
STU: Yeah, Little Rascals had Spanky and I think that's the one you're talking about, right?
GLENN: Yeah, Our Gang comedy with the little dog with the ring around his eyes.
STU: Right, right.
GLENN: Like giant ringworm. I was afraid of that dog.
STU: Eddie Murphy did Buckwheat.
GLENN: But he always talked about Spanky, right?
STU: But he's butt wheat.
GLENN: He's butt wheat and Spanky. I was looking for the fat kid with Spanky.
STU: Yes, I agree. I can confirm this.
GLENN: I can't take this.
STU: This crazy theory of yours.
GLENN: I need a dog business wit kit. That's what I need. I want to go to a house and get free dog biscuits. That's what I want. Because then I'm thinking about buying a house. If I could just get free dog biscuits if I go and look at the house, then I want to buy the house.
Here's the best one. Okay. $30 bottle of Chardonnay, Godiva chocolates, live guitar music, vodka tastings, cocktail parties, shoe shines. If you think you've heard them all, try this one. Roaming actors in costumes. Now, just when you thought you couldn't understand who would get in the car to go get some free dog biscuits to look at a house, who in their right mind says, "Honey, I'm just reading here in the paper. You know that house up the street?" "Yeah." "They're having an open house." Oh, I hate that piece of garbage trash house. "Yeah, me, too. But listen here. They've got actors roaming around in costumes." "Oh, honey, I'm getting in the car now." Who's going to that! Who wants to see the live actors? I hate actors I hate all of them. Who wants to see them in costume? What are they here, what is a costume? What are you? What are you? Well, I'm trying to guess. You're in a suit. Right, right. You're just in a suit. "Yes, yes." "And... I don't know. Who are you?" "I'm pretending to be someone who might be interested in buying this house." "Wow! That's so weird! Me, too! I'm just here for the actors in costume... and have you seen any free dog biscuits?" This is America? This isn't America! We're not the we're the land of the free and home of the brave. We're not the home of the free dog biscuit if you'll just come, please, please, please look at my house, please. Oh, I have more pride than that. Okay, no, I don't. No, I don't. No, the dog biscuits I don't have more pride in. The actors I do.
Wouldn't that be uncomfortable? Would that just be what do you say? You know, what do you say? You walk around and you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I thought this would be more fun than it really is. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, I'll go get another actor. "No, no, no, that's okay because it's a really weird, awkward conversation because they're just acting and I don't really know what to say to them. I think I'm going to go to that creepy cocktail party down the street where none of us know but there are no actors there, you know? Although the lady dressed as Anne Boleyn, that was kind of weird but... you know. Got any dog biscuits?"