GLENN: National average of gasoline now $4 a gallon for the first time in United States history, $4 a gallon. I'd like to thank the environmentalists. No, congratulations on that. Because you've made it such a pain in the butt to make a refinery or to drill for oil all for the sake of saving the plants and the animals, we're paying out the nose for gasoline. Awesome job. No, seriously. We have you to thank. And thank you. I love you more than life itself. I do. Now the rattlesnakes are free to roam, those grounds that nobody would walk on because they're full of rattlesnakes. God forbid we build a refinery there, start pumping out some much needed oil. No, no, no. Now you're free to go across that wasteland and stumble into a rattlesnake and you'll get that warm and fuzzy feeling inside because you know that you're willing to pay just as much for your car as you do for gas on a monthly basis, so that cute little slimy, slithery fella can live. Of course, that warm feeling, that might become it's more likely that it's just because the rattlesnake just ripped its fangs into your legs and the poisonous venom is now attacking your body but you'll probably be dead in 20 minutes or so but it will be a fast death. Mr. Rattlesnake was there. You can see him as you slowly close your eyes and say, it was all worth it. $4 a gallon. They say it could be as high as $5 a gallon. Gas DEET prom today say they are expecting oil by 2009 to be $250 a barrel. Yeah, yeah.
You know, here's the thing America needs to understand. You've got to start speaking up. You've got to take the stupid polar bear head off. If you are standing on a corner street right now saying save the polar bear, you need to get out of the polar bear suit and start speaking up. Right now people in Washington are not hearing you. The only ones, the only solutions that I'm hearing are the ones that are going to make it worse. Take the profits, that's what they're talking about today in congress, taking the profits from the oil companies. We've tried it before. It makes things much, much worse. They are talking about cap and trade, the EPA says it will increase the cost of gasoline $1.50 per gallon. What is it going to take for America to speak up? What's it going to take for America to grab a pitchfork? How about this? How about the rapidly approaching lifestyle of the Frenchy French men? Because that's where we're headed. I can't believe it. As everybody else is headed towards us, we're headed towards the French. The French have been paying high gas prices for years and look what it's done for them. No, seriously. They can drive mopeds instead of cars. When they do drive cars, it's Le car. That's so clever, isn't it? Seriously don't you wish General Motors would have thought of something and called it The Car? That just shows deep thinking. Well, it can only come from people who just, you know, don't understand the concept of a shower. I think the French, the only time that they get into a shower is when they are driving their mopeds and the rains. Is that really the lifestyle we want to live, really, the French lifestyle? Just like the French, we're all getting drunk all the time because of crappy lives, eating bread, not showering and riding mopeds everywhere. I mean, who doesn't want to get drunk after that? I mean, you wake up every morning going, geez, I'm French. Just like the French, our greatest achievement, because we're all jobless, drunk and have nothing better to do, we'll be throwing splotches of paint on a canvas and putting it in a giant building to look at which everyone has time to do because we're jobless, and the paintings look great because we're all drunk. And so just like the French will become angry, smelly, inferiority complex little socialist rodents.
I don't understand the socialist movement here in America, I don't. It's a sad but true fact that at least in the U.S. people are generally against socialism until it benefits them. And then all of a sudden they are like these social all of a sudden they are like, oh, no, Mao, love Mao, he's great. "Socialism, boy, that stinks. Boy, that's but I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance." It's amazing to me the idea of socialism is picking up steam here. People are actually starting to call themselves socialists, like that's a good thing. Look what socialism has done to every other country that has dabbled in it. Not only the healthcare systems, blow chunks. I mean, I was in reading in USA Today, the front page of the paper today talks about how police forces are cutting back on, you know, going around in their cruisers because they can't afford the gas. That's not good. What do you think's going to happen when they control healthcare? Not only do their healthcare systems suck but if it's a country that has dabbled in socialism, gas prices soar, huge unemployment rates, lastly, last importantly, miserable human beings to be around them. No, they are. They are just miserable human beings. Think about it.
Do you remember when you finally moved out on your own? I mean, even if your parents were great, wasn't it nice to taste freedom, start living your own life, live in your own apartment? Then once you were out on your own, you got out of your own way. I mean, if you desperately needed help, your parents, if you were lucky my weren't because they couldn't afford it. They were there for you. But my parents couldn't afford it. I wasn't that lucky. I had to make my own way and even if I was in trouble, they couldn't help me. I think the government should do the same thing. Get the heck out of my way. Help me if I absolutely, positively need it but not to make it easy.
Under socialism it's like having a parent that just won't let you go. Imagine your parent running your bank account. Imagine your parent saying, no, no, no, honey, that's not going to do it. Telling you where your money should go, telling you exactly what to eat at the time, telling you exactly what you need to do, what kind of car you drive, setting all kinds of limits: Make sure you're home at this time. How about if they still hadn't taken you off their healthcare plan or they were in charge of your retirement and you had no choice in the matter? Wouldn't that be sweet? No! You'd be miserable, just like the French... that smell.
