| RELATED STORY|
GLENN: Okay, I think we are at the end of days. I just want to say I think today may be the last day we all live. No, I don't mean to be depressing, I don't -- you know, hey, Glenn, you're out of control, that's crazy. What do you mean you're calling for the end of the world? Yep, I'm calling for it. I say about 4:30 this afternoon. Jesus is going to come around maybe 3:00, maybe there will be a picnic or something, there will be giant clouds parting, angels split the mountains. And then around 4:30 or so he will be like, hey, you want to have a snack real quick before I destroy everything? And I'll say, you know, what you got? I'm just saying today may be the end. Check your Bibles. Why do you say this? "Oh, Glenn, that's crazy talk. Why?" Well, here's a novel idea from San Francisco. San Francisco says they know how to solve our oil crisis. Biotechnology company based in south San Francisco specializes in a genetic alteration of bugs. Single cell organisms, each a fraction of a billionth of a size of an ant so that when they feed on agricultural waste like wood chips or wheat straw, they excrete crude oil. Now, that's an awful lot of bug poop to run my car. I mean, how many -- let's see. A billionth of a size of an ant. Unless they've got a billionth of a size of an ant diarrhea the size of much more than the biggest elephants on the planet, I don't think we can produce a billion barrels of oil but maybe it's just me. I was going for the ANWR route! But I think we should really think about the billionth size of an ant poop that we can put directly into the tank of our car. Jesus, come take me now! How many of us are now praying for death? This is what we've turned into? Do you know how our grandparents would slap the crap out of us right now? Our grandparents would just, they would take us out to the wood shed. "You what?" "Grandpa, I think it's a good idea." "What?" "Well... hang on, listen to reason. Polar bears... coal is making things... well, okay, it hasn't since 1998 been hotter... but Al Gore... they are a billionth the size of an ant." "Get to the wood shed!" That's what he would say to us. He would. He would me. And if you're one of these pinheads. "It's an ant. They are going to be pooping crude oil." First of all, I don't think this is a good idea. Let's stop messing with nature. Can we do that? What do you say? What do you say we don't start splitting one-celled organisms and making them into -- you know what they need, big teeth. If we could just get some of these bugs with giant teeth and make them ferocious." No, I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't need a half cow, half man. I don't need dad to never have to go to the store again for a carton of milk because dad will just squeeze his teat. I don't think I need that. Thank you, thank you. I don't think I need supercorn, thank you. I'm okay with the regular old corn. "No, but this will grow 8,000 stories tall." Yeah, I don't think, I don't think. "Of course, we couldn't get it to not have giant claws." Yeah, uh-uh. "But it poops ethanol. You're not going to be able to buy it anywhere." Let's drill for oil. What do you say?
President's supposed to give a speech today. President's going to say he's calling on congress. Please, don't call on congress to do anything. You can rescind through executive order, the 1990 executive order. Gee, who was in office in 1990? I'm trying to think who it was. Oh, your dad. You could rescind the executive order from 1990 that says no offshore drilling. What do you say? What do you say? Hmmm? Come on, George, come on. Come on, you can do it. I'll give you the pen. Just sit down at the desk. "I want offshore drilling, GWB." What do you say?
Here's what I'd like the President to do. I don't even want to see him. I don't want to see him in the rose garden. Looks nice, sure does. You know fertilizer is made with natural gas? Do you know how much we're probably spending on fertilizer right now at the White House to be able to keep those roses so lush, that grass so green? How much are we spending on that fertilizer? I'd like to know. I bet we're spending at least twice the amount this year for the exact same amount of fertilizer. And you know what? There's enough bullcrap in Washington to make those flowers grow for all eternity. I don't want to see you in the rose garden, I don't want to see you in the White House. You know where I want to see you? I want to see you standing in front of a mountain, live shot, Denver, Colorado. That's where I want to see you. I want you to -- I don't care if it's on a playground, I don't care if it's in the middle of somebody's living room, I don't care if it is underneath a bear at the city zoo. I want to see you standing there on television and you say this -- behind you are these rough necks, okay? The big oil drilling guys, you know? And I want to see them like in that old movie. You remember in that old oil movie? I don't remember what it even was but all the guys -- maybe it was even a James Dean movie where they had those silver construction hats and they were all dirty from oil and they're wearing the rolled-up, you know, denim shirts and they got the khakis on and they're all just covered in oil? I want those guys standing behind the President and I want the President to say this: "America, we're up just a nasty river without a paddle. So I'm going to give a paddle, and here it is. When I finish this speech, these guys behind me, they're going to drill right here because right here, see underneath this bear at the zoo? Right here is about a million barrels of oil. And by the way, it's just not here. In fact, here's a live shot from ANWR and here's a bunch of guys in a big tanker. They're going offshore right now and they are just going to start dropping stuff that they can start to drill, you know, soon. We're just going to start building this stuff. They are going to start building it and they are going to drill today and we're going to do it by executive order because enough is enough. There's no way we can run this country, there's no way we can be who we want to be, we can no longer lead the free world if we're out of energy. Everybody is -- yesterday on the front page of the Wall Street Journal, it was all of these companies that were fighting for the leasing rights of oil, oil rights off our shore. Vietnam was one of them. Vietnam, yeah. Currently at war. The Vietnam War, except this one is over oil and they're fighting with Sweden and China and India for the drilling rights off Florida. If Vietnam, you know, the home of the boat people can have the technology to drill for oil off our shore, don't you think we should? Don't you think? Hmmm? Or we could wait for the billionth size of an ant to poop crude oil. We could wait for that.