GLENN: Have you heard the -- this guy met a woman in a park. And ladies, may I just say you meet the best level of men in parks. But he met a fine woman at a park and they exchanged phone numbers which again, ladies, oh, that's brilliant. No, you should. You should. You're totally safe exchanging phone numbers with a man in a park.
So he says, I'll give you a call. She says, great, I'll call you back. There are two e-mails -- I mean, two voice mails that this man left. And gentlemen, this is the way to woo a woman. No, this is the -- let's try that again. Stations, edit that out because that sounded unprofessional. This is the way to woo a woman.
VOICE: Sorry I had to leave such a rush message with you when we met the other day. I just wanted to quickly give you my phone number, and I have to get the heck out of the area. In any event, I figure I better leave you a more detailed message.
GLENN: Can I just -- let me just stop here. Okay. Here we learned that you're calling a second time and you're sorry that you had to leave a rush message. You just had to get out of the area. I don't -- I don't think that there's -- I don't think there's any explanations that are necessary. I don't -- did anybody else think police sweep? I'm sure it's just me. APB? I'm sure that was just me. She's probably thinking, oh, there might have been like some other thing happening that wasn't related to an APB. It doesn't sound suspicious at all. So leave that in.
VOICE: I am single. I have no trouble meeting women. I mean, women approach me six, seven times a day.
GLENN: Stop. This is a way to really bring the woman in and basically saying, I'm a player. Whew, women are just, I have no -- this impresses a woman. A woman says, "Really? Hmmm. I thought I was the only one that you might have approached, in the park."
VOICE: I'm very particular about what I like. If you're extremely elegant. I couldn't take my eyes off of you and your friends were very jealous. Even if they say they weren't, they were envious of the fact that I approached you.
GLENN: Stop. An elegant woman likes to get right into jealous friends and I think that -- I think a woman also appreciates a man who knows himself, you know, somebody who's willing to go out there on a limb and say, I'm just going to say what everybody else is thinking; dig me.
VOICE: And I was very taken by you. Elegant women are very rare. I'm Greek and I'm very particular about what I like. So I'm giving you an opportunity here. I don't know if you pick up the messages on the weekend, but I'm working on a movie script. So I'm pretty much around all week.
GLENN: Stop, stop. (Laughing). This guy. "I'm working, by the way, Hollywood, I'm working on a movie script right now." (Laughing). Wouldn't you love to hear the response from the woman? I mean the actual response. How many times has she had friends over? You could have parties revolving around this voice mail, wouldn't you? If somebody left this voice mail, you would have it for -- you'd play it for friends and eventually somebody would say to you, let me hear it. And you go, you know what? This Friday I'm just having all my friends over and we're just going to play it. You can just, you can have a bottle of wine, sit back, listen, laugh.
STU: You should know this gets much, much worse.
GLENN: Here you go.
VOICE: I'm working on a movie script. So I'm pretty much around all weekend doing that. I left you my number, 416-918... this looks like a land line and if it is, you may not get the message until Monday. But when you do, call me and then we'll get together for coffee and chat and let the romance begin. You look very taken aback by my approach and I --
GLENN: You were in the park.
VOICE: Timidness, I hope it was just a little bit of shock at being approached so directly because I don't really date timid women because I'm a very direct, very passionate, very assertive man and I want a woman who's very independent and strong. So we'll talk about that, but I just wanted to formally introduce myself.
GLENN: You spook me.
VOICE: Now I have. You call me as soon as you have the courage to, okay, Olga? Talk to you soon. Bye.
GLENN: Okay. Courage, as soon as you have the courage to. You scare the crap out of me.
STU: If I had a guy who's saying I had to run out of the area.
GLENN: Yeah, I just had to get out of the area as soon as I could.
STU: Printing towards that white --
GLENN: You might have heard -- that was music in the background (making siren sounds). That was a disco song. We'll talk about it later, Olga.
STU: So obviously after a message like that, you don't call back.
STU: The next message...
GLENN: You have to hear. We'll play that in just a second.
GLENN: Okay, do we have time to play the rest of this? This is the callback. Apparently Olga didn't call. What was his name in Vladimir?
GLENN: Demetri, that's right. Olga didn't call Demetri back. The man she met in the park, he likes a strong assertive woman but he was busy working on a movie script. Well, she didn't call back on Monday after that lovely message, but he did call back. And here's the second message.
VOICE: Hi there, Olga. It's Demetri calling again, the guy from the street. I left you a message several days ago. You said you were interested. Now, here's the way I work. I don't like leaving second messages, but I like you. You're a very elegant woman. You are very attractive but, you know, I don't play that game. I know your friends tell you not to return calls, you're playing games like you see on stupid TV shows. So here's how it's going to work. It is now 4:30 on Wednesday. Now, I'll assume, I'll assume that you've already left work because, you know, some people leave early, and I'll grant you that. And if I do not receive a phone call back from you by 3:00 Thursday afternoon, I'm no longer interested and you can erase my number. I don't play games like that. I'm completely single, I --
GLENN: Stop, stop, stop. You're single -- nobody snatched you up yet? Demetri, you've got to be kidding me. Really?
STU: He's completely single. Not a little bit.
GLENN: No. It's not like -- no, when I say single, I don't mean just unmarried. I mean no women around me whatsoever. Not a single chance I'm dating anyone.
STU: I haven't talk to anyone else in a month.
GLENN: Mom doesn't even return my phone calls. Nobody.
STU: Creditors avoid me.
GLENN: Yeah. Nobody calls. I'm at a pay phone right now. Is there anyone in the world that would call this guy back? "Hey, look, otherwise it's like a cross between a stalker and a telemarketer, you know? It's like if a stalker happened to be working for the, you know, what's that TV network, QVC, you know, where, look, you don't call in the next five minutes, you can erase our phone number. Just take our channel and put it on block. That's what -- I mean, that's what he sounds like. Go ahead, the rest of it.
VOICE: I'm completely single. I'm very intelligent. I'm great in bed, I make great money. Believe it or not, I'm a complete catch. I've only been single four months, had a long distance relationship, you know, been a year --
GLENN: When I was in prison.
VOICE: It didn't work out.
GLENN: Stop just a second. "I have a long distance relationship. I was in prison and she went into the government witness program. She was just trying -- she eventually had to move to the other side of the planet where they have no phone so I would leave her alone. But hey, hey, I'm out and --
STU: I'm really a catch, or like I was caught by police four months ago.
VOICE: I've only been single four months. I had a long distance relationship. You know, been a year. It's very tough to maintain it like that and it didn't work out. There's nothing wrong with me. As a matter of fact --
GLENN: Stop. I've just been checked out with prison doctors, nothing wrong with me. No diseases, nothing. I should point out nothing physically wrong with me.
VOICE: As a matter of fact, I'm one of the few men in the city that has nothing wrong with him. So I'm giving you that 3:00 deadline. If I don't hear from you, you lose my number. I'm erasing yours right now. You won't be hearing back from me.
VOICE: So that's it. 3:00 tomorrow or you can just completely forget it. Now, I understand if you've got other issues like maybe you're not playing games. Maybe you had -- I don't know, maybe you were abused from childhood. Maybe your mother has cancer, you're going to chemo.
GLENN: Stop, stop. So Demetri, I was out of town. "Because your mother had cancer?" No, I was just out of town. "No, sorry, uh-uh. Moms don't have -- were you abused?" No. "Okay, mom having cancer, no abuse." No, uh-uh. I think, by the way, if you were abused, who's with me on thinking Demetri's the guy to heal you? Seriously.
VOICE: Maybe you're just a person who's extremely frightened or has an anxiety disorder. Maybe you're on some medication for that. I don't know. There could be another issue.
GLENN: Hang on just a second. You're very classy but maybe you're crazy. Maybe you're crazy. You're very, very classy. I -- seriously when you were pushing that garbage there in the park, I could barely smell the urine. Very classy woman. What -- I'm healthy, but you may be -- but I'd still like to date you.
VOICE: -- that I'm not aware of. And nobody says "Call me," hands a person a business card and then doesn't return calls.
GLENN: You are right.
VOICE: That's extremely passive-aggressive. You should actually look that up, passive-aggressive personality disorder.
GLENN: Oh, my gosh.
VOICE: And you let me know. If you've got issues, psychological issues, if you're on any sort of medication for anxiety or depression, I'm not interested, okay? But if you're psychologically normal and you haven't called me because there's been some horrible things that's happened in your life which prevented you, that's fine. But otherwise don't call me, okay? Bye.
GLENN: That's fantastic. We have an update now.
STU: We do have an update. This is going to shock you, I believe. Well, first of all, Demetri was a doctor. I say was a doctor.
GLENN: So was Mengele.
STU: That's a very good point. He was actually in the military originally and he was in the military records, it shows that he would leave his practice to go into the washroom and please himself several times a day, which is a problem. He eventually became --
GLENN: Wait, wait. What kind of doctor was he?
STU: I don't have that information. Not a good one. One that was apparently very busy.
GLENN: Yes. I'm sorry. The doctor is taking care of his little patient right now.
STU: Now, his medical career began to fall apart when the college suspended his license following complaints from female patients.
GLENN: Not from this guy.
STU: Shockingly enough, the man you just heard, the man that seems like such a (inaudible), nothing wrong with him. Pleaded guilty to two counts of sexual assault.
GLENN: You know what? I didn't know this update. So basically what you're saying is if you didn't get it from the phone message, nothing ever will get through to you. Is he, may I ask, is he in jail or is he still available?
STU: He really is, he really is very completely single, as he pointed out.