GLENN: I think we should look at a map today and decide what's in and what's out. No, no. No, no, I know it's July 4th weekend and everything, but let's have our own Constitutional Convention, shall we? I mean, everybody else is changing everything. Right now San Francisco is sending drug-dealing illegal aliens on a free trip home. Now, normally I'd be for that. However, they're doing it to avoid federal prosecution. The cops will pick up these crack-dealing illegal aliens, they'll go in and they'll go into juvenile court because Honduras is sending all these kids to deal crack in San Francisco. I think, you know, the city council, to come up with the stuff they've done, they need a lot of crack. So Honduras is sending these crack dealers to San Francisco, and San Francisco, in the goodness of their heart, they say, gosh, they're busted for selling dope on the street, then they'll never become citizens. Good! Isn't that a good thing? How did this happen? When did San Francisco go completely insane?
Now, I know it's been a very long time. I'm just wondering has it always been that -- maybe there's a fissure somewhere and, like, weird gas is seeping out and everybody in San Francisco is just breathing it and they don't smell it. It's like natural gas. You don't really smell it and you're like, I'm getting sleepy. And instead of getting sleepy, they just go nuts. I mean, they don't support the ROTC, they go against everything that our country stands for. They are constantly trying to turn us into a socialist state. Why don't you just become your own country, San Francisco? I mean it. I'm serious. I'd come visit ya. It would be great. No, seriously it would. Be like, oh. You know, I never went to the old Soviet Union. Wouldn't it be great to be able to go to San Francisco where everybody could live in misery? You could just visit? You could, like, "Hmmm, this system doesn't really seem to work." I mean, the only reason why San Francisco is standing is because they're on the teat of everybody else. The only reason why they're secure is because they have the army, but they don't support it. So why don't we just vote them out. Can't we do that, please, please? Stu, please will you give me permission? Please?
STU: I mean, I'm not a constitutional scholar here.
GLENN: But you're willing to go with me, aren't ya?
STU: But it seems like that would be fine. There's an amendment in there somewhere that covers that.
GLENN: No, I don't think there is.
STU: No, if you --
GLENN: You know what, I may need those special Ben Franklin glasses that I saw in that movie. Maybe that's what it is. If you put the glasses on and you're like, oh, you can vote them out. I mean, I'm looking at the map here and there's very few cities that I really want voted out. San Francisco, Berkeley, Oakland, they all kind of -- have you noticed that they all are kind of on the coasts?
STU: All the cities you want to vote out?
STU: All the cities you want to vote out are on the coast? That doesn't surprise me too much.
GLENN: I mean, not universally so. Houston's kind of on the coast. Tampa's on the coast.
STU: Here's the problem. If you vote all the coastal cities off, then you have no -- I mean, you have no waterfront property. We would lose all of our --
GLENN: That's why I don't want to get rid of all coastal cities. I'm not getting rid of San Diego. San Diego is sweet. San Diego, come on, man. You can take San Francisco. That's what we should do. We should just start pitting them against each other.
STU: So you are saying you kind of want imperialist cities that will, like, start taking over other cities?
GLENN: Seriously, seriously. Don't you think, Stu, you, me and, like, I don't know, Marcus Luttrell could take -- okay. Don't you think Marcus Luttrell could take San Francisco?
STU: Yeah, Marcus --
GLENN: I mean, we would just be there for -- I don't know. He might once in a while say, I need a distraction.
STU: Or a soda. We could bring him soda.
GLENN: We could bring him a soda. You don't think San Diego could kick San Francisco's ass?
STU: Well, yes. I mean, if I had to pick a fight, I don't understand how we're judging that but I would say yes, it does seem that way. Although, I mean action things are so perfect in San Diego, I feel like you're in kind of like perfect temperatures all the time. You might just be like, "I don't really feel like it." I feel like they would be more of a Switzerland. They would just be kind of, like, hanging out.
GLENN: Although when was the last time you were in San Diego? Probably a couple of months ago, wasn't it?
STU: Two weeks ago or so.
GLENN: Two weeks ago?
GLENN: Do you notice the number of flag poles?
STU: Oh, yeah, yeah.
GLENN: San Diego is the Texas of California. I mean it. It is.
STU: That being accurate.
GLENN: It is the Texas of California. It's like the one place that you go. I mean, I can't say this for the city government, but it's the one place you go where the citizens will go, "Get the hell out of my face."
STU: I just feel like, maybe I'm judging on how I feel when I go to San Diego which I don't even go -- I can't get -- the farthest I can get from the bed is the pool. Like, I can't do anything. There's no exercise, there's no --
GLENN: I can't even, I can't even get to the bed or the pool. I'd, like, sit down -- I sit down like in a lounge chair and I'm just like, honey, I'm just going to sit here for a week.
GLENN: I can't even get to the bed or the pool.
STU: Yeah, your brain and your body shut down. So I know I wouldn't be effective but I mean, that -- you know, the people there, they're used to it.
GLENN: The people there, you know. I mean, come on. You're wearing shorts and short sleeve shirts year round. Once in a while you'll be like, "I don't know, let's do something else. Let's take over San Francisco." Might need a change, you know?
STU: I feel like that's possible. I don't know -- like, I feel like there's a possibility, too, of just the entire state of Nevada trying to, you know, make sort of invasions into California, just taking some land because, you know, like, I feel like California, like a lot of the cities and everybody, they're constantly banning guns and attempting to and making all the gun -- but then the next state over, very libertarian state of Nevada where they just want to do what they want to do. I mean, you can do anything in that state.
GLENN: I got a new idea. I got a new idea. Let's give San Francisco away to the city that can take it. For instance, you have a good point on San Diego. San Diego just, you know, they're like, "San Diego, what do you want San Francisco for." Cleveland, on the other hand, --
GLENN: I'd put my money on.
STU: They would be very interested, I think, in that.
GLENN: They would be very interested. They would be very interested. Now, not all parts of Cleveland. You know, Cleveland, let's say the actual city of Cleveland probably would -- oh, my gosh. I got it. We let all the suburbs of Cleveland go kick all the city dwellers of San Francisco out and all the San Francisco people live in the suburbs of Cleveland. That way it matches. You know what I mean?
STU: No, I don't think I understand. I'll be perfectly honest.
GLENN: It matches. The people in the city of Cleveland are so liberal, they're just --
STU: Well, they keep electing Dennis Kucinich.
GLENN: Exactly right. So don't you think a city that elects Dennis Kucinich deserves the people of San Francisco? And don't you think the right-thinking Americans in the suburbs of Cleveland deserve a nice city like San Francisco?
STU: There's a strong argument to be made here, Glenn. You know, you really are, you're like a Soviet central planner. You could just make all these decisions yourself.
GLENN: You know what, here's another thing -- oh, and I'd do it, too. Somebody said to me when we were on the tour, they said, "After I heard that speech in the second half of the Unelectable tour, I don't think you're unelectable. I really think you could be elected President." I said, no for two reasons: One, if I ever was President, I'd vaporize too many places; and two, I would do things like this. I would say, yeah, you know what, San Francisco, we're cutting you off of all federal funding. Sucks to be you, huh?
STU: It seems like every time I hear someone say that to you after one of these tours or something, you should run. You just get that, it's like the Indian who sees the litter and he turns around and a tear comes down his face. That's how I feel because it's just, that's how low our standards are in this country.
GLENN: It really is.
STU: They are willing to think about you as possibly something other than a rodeo clown.
GLENN: They're alcoholics. Anybody who says that's an alcoholic.
STU: Even an alcoholic shouldn't be considering you.
GLENN: No, they're drunks.
STU: I agree. I mean, I agree but I'm just saying that you're, at the very highest level of rodeo clown.
GLENN: Can I ask you this. Why are we fighting global warming? I'm looking at the map of the United States of America and I'm like, you know, I'm just, I'm looking at the map. You know, I'm seeing Duluth, Minnesota and I'm thinking, I don't want to live there. Eau Claire, Wisconsin, no thank you. Cleveland, not so much. Not so much. Buffalo, I don't think so. And then you look down at the southern part and you see St. Petersburg, Florida. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? San Diego, Phoenix, yeah. Flagstaff, that's great. Lake Tahoe, wouldn't you want to live there?
STU: So what you are saying is you are rooting for global warming?
GLENN: No, I'm thinking of a couple of things. Atlanta, Columbia, Charlotte, Raleigh, Richmond. Are you seeing a trend here? Are you seeing a trend?
GLENN: They're all southern.
GLENN: Okay? A, I'm kind of rooting now for the South. And when it comes to global warming, have you noticed that all of the cities that people are moving to are warmer? Don't you think the people in the north should start rooting for global warming because then, you know, Baton Rouge, Louisiana would be, like, 134 degrees and Minneapolis-St. Paul would be 70.
STU: You seem to have this strange -- you seem to be rooting for some sort of civil conflict here, potentially Civil War Part 2. I don't know what the reasoning for that is. Is it one story about crack dealers? Is that the motivation?
GLENN: That's what it is, yeah. You don't think it's time to kick San Francisco's ass? Let's be honest. You know, I want to take a freak jury. I'm coming back with a freak jury. Question is, isn't it time we just kick San Francisco's ass? Enough said. Yes or no. It just is as easy as that. 12 cold calls, one decision. And you know what? I don't want a hung jury. I don't even want it close. It's yes or no. It's pretty simple. Don't you think it's time we kick their ass; or kick them out or stop all their federal funding. You can't support it, you can't play by the rules. San Francisco, we're coming to kick your ass. We'll see you at noon today. And then around 12:30 we'll have lunch because the job will be done. All the hippies will be crying by 12:05, "They've got guns." We'll have lunch. See you, hippie freak.