GLENN: And these movie theatres in several states are now sold out. And I just, last night I just heard, I don't remember which movie chain tried to get permission and, fine with me but I don't know how Fathom Events does this because it always has to be live, they said can we do other show times. And I said, there's not enough water to replenish my body in time to do it. I mean, I'll sweat like 40 gallons.
STU: I know that, like, a lot of these theatres only use this technology in one, if I'm understanding this right, one screen.
GLENN: There are some theatres that have multiple screens and they have already opened them up to multiple screens and they're sold out and now they want to go to multiple showings. So -- but we will try. It is only one performance and this is Thursday night. Go to GlennBeck.com to fine out all of the information. And then we're in Dallas and there's a couple of things going on. I just found out somebody else is coming to the performance on Thursday. On Friday we're going to be in Houston. There is somebody in Houston that is going to arrive that I can guarantee you will be nonstop standing ovations as they are sitting in the crowd in Houston, Texas. Guarantee you. And it might be somebody that I'm considering putting on my cabinet because if I were running, I'm giving the ultimate politically incorrect speech this week because we wrap up Beck '08 Unelectable, our comedy tour, I'm giving the complete -- I'm giving the speech really honestly that I think the President should give. He would be completely unelectable, but it's the truth. It's what every American wants to hear. So I'm giving that on Thursday. I think I need a cabinet. So you're looking at, like, the secretary of energy. I mean, who are you going to do? The only one that really comes to mind, she's not strong enough, the governor from Alaska. I'm digging her.
STU: She would be fantastic secretary of energy.
GLENN: Oh, I'm digging her. If she weren't married and I'm not married, oh, yeah, come on, bring it on. I don't even remember what she looks like. I just find her energy talk so erotic. You know what I mean? She's just like, oh, we could drill here all day long, and I just, I don't know. There's something about her that I just love.
STU: She's fantastic. She would be a great choice for that. I mean, that's a serious -- you don't have that sort of pull. You're not going to get a good candidate like that.
GLENN: No, I'm saying if I'm President. If I'm President, a lot of things change. I don't give you the option not to serve. You're serving. "Hey, governor, what's your face, come to Washington. You're serving."
GLENN: Yeah, I would do a draft. I do a draft, yeah.
STU: See, I don't think that that would work out.
GLENN: No, I think it would. I think there's enough people out there -- because you know what? I may not even need that because in my administration there wouldn't be any bullcrap. You know what I mean? We would sit in the cabinet room and you could televise it or whatever you want and people could say something and I'd say, that's genius. Well, Glenn, that will kill all of the one-eared bunnies in all of Wisconsin. I would say, sucks to be a one-eared bunny, doesn't it?
STU: You know, it does suck to be a one-eared bunny.
GLENN: It does. It really does. Hang on, let me weep for the bunnies. Okay, I'm over it. Let's drill through their heads for more energy. Department of Homeland Security, you know who I want as Department of Homeland Security, I not only pardon Compean and Ramos, I appoint them as the head of Homeland Security. How's that? Hey, I know you guys spent some time in jail. I'm erasing that and... I'm giving you a raise. You know those guys that set you up? You know those guys who wouldn't do what we were supposed to do on the border and you spent time in jail? Yeah, you get to fire them. We can do it on TV if you want. Go ahead.
STU: See, I don't know if there's, like, partners in these jobs. I think it's typically one person --
GLENN: It's my administration. Homeland Security is a big job. There's two borders. One could be Department of Homeland Security north and the other one for south.
STU: How hard do you push for the northern job. That's a much easier job.
GLENN: Actually, you know what, I think the -- I mean, not right now because the drug cartels, but I think on terrorism, I think the northern border is more dangerous than the southern border. I'm just saying. Or we could go with Sheryl Crow. She could get things done, you know? She could just, we could sit down and talk to everybody.
STU: She could sing a very nice song about sun or all she wants to do.
GLENN: Something like that.
STU: Las Vegas or something.
GLENN: Secretary of defense, I would like to nominate Ted Nugent.
GLENN: I just think secretary -- wouldn't that be great? Nobody would screw with us. Nobody -- we would just say -- as the President I would say, you know what, Iran, I told him I was going to sleep on it but Ted Nugent, our secretary of defense, he said he wants to come over and kick your ass. I'm going to sleep on it. You know what? If you have a change of heart, call me before tomorrow morning at 9:00 a.m. that damn phone will ring!
STU: Yeah. That will be the 3:00 a.m. call everyone's always talking about. In all the political commercials the phones always ring at 3:00 a.m. it's to avoid getting your ass kicked by Ted Nugent.
GLENN: Ted Nugent. We could reduce the size of the military like crazy because the guy we would have as secretary of defense is this close from being crazy. It would be great. I'm just saying.
STU: I love the pick. I mean, don't you -- should you consider, you know, maybe someone who has experience in, you know, some sort of qualifying position?
GLENN: Secretary of defense? Do you know what an experienced hunter Ted Nugent is?
STU: That's very true. I'm just saying that maybe in a, more of a --
STU: War planning --
GLENN: Do you know Ted Nugent wants to go hunting with me? I said, Ted, are you out of your mind? He said, no, I want to take you hunting, brother. But Ted, you're crazy.
STU: That's the one person I would trust hunting with you. A, he's very safe with -- very responsible with firearms. B, he's one of the few people in America that don't want to kill you. I mean, this is a --
GLENN: He may have to. I'll be whining the whole time. Oh, can you imagine? Adam, Adam wants to go hunting with me, Greg Stube, war hero, Marcus Luttrell, war hero, and -- oh, and my nephew before he goes back to Iraq.
STU: Well, I mean --
GLENN: I said, are we -- Greg is a medic, right? I mean, we're going to need a doctor on site for me.
STU: Just walking up hills, let alone.
GLENN: Oh, my gosh. It will be like, just let's go to the store and get some meat. What are we hunting -- we can go to the store. It's all wrapped up in a styrofoam tray. Made, by the way, from petroleum! See, that's how the mind works. I will won't be able to get meat in the lies convenient little styrofoam tray because congress won't drill!
STU: But you have to consider that whenever you're going on a trip into the wilderness, you don't have television, you don't have movies. You need comic relief. And watching you walk up hills is --
GLENN: Oh, you know what, I'm going to be the guy that about halfway through the afternoon I'm going to find myself and one of them's going to say, you know, you've got a mighty pretty mouth, and I'll just start crying. That's --
STU: I mean, it's probable.
GLENN: I don't like nature.
STU: You really don't get along with it.
GLENN: I don't, I don't like nature. I'm the only guy who would be very, very happy with my head in a jar. Somebody would have to carry me around. I could just talk and think and, you know, wouldn't have to answer -- nobody would ever have to say, "Hey, can you get that?" Nope, can't, just a head in a jar.
STU: I mean, they could easily roll you down hills with the head in the jar. Maybe put the jar into like a plastic bubble and then they can roll you down the hills and that's an easy --
GLENN: Why would they need to roll me down a hill? Just leave me like on a windowsill.
STU: No, if you want to go on a camping trip --
GLENN: I live in San Diego. You put me on a windowsill, I'm looking at the ocean the whole time. I'm a head in a jar. I can do that anywhere. I can telecommute. I don't actually have to have a desk. I don't need a computer. I don't have hands. I'm only a head. It's fantastic.
STU: Are you trying to tell me you're so lazy that even if you had no torso, you still wouldn't go into nature and walk?
STU: Even if someone was carrying your head, you wouldn't go up a trill with trees?
GLENN: What's the point? I'll just look at it. Look at it. Look, it's a nice day outside. It's nice. I don't want to go out in it. It's hot. It's not a constant temperature.
STU: You are the only person in America with negative muscle tone. Like, that's how unathletic you are.
GLENN: Well, I've told you the story of when the doctor actually, you never want to hear a doctor stand behind you, back surgeon stand behind you and touch your body and then laugh. And I had one of the best surgeons in the country did that. He laughed. And I said, that's not really comforting. He said, no, I just, I've never, I've never felt anyone with less muscle tone than you. I said, hey, do I get an award for that? Do I get a special discount or anything?
STU: Look what we've done. This is what government does. We were trying to get your cabinet picked and then we talk about your head in a jar rolling down a hill for 20 minutes.
GLENN: Let me go to Matt.
No, wouldn't you rather have the President of the United States spend time on stuff like that, though? Really?