Voice: Barack Obama, John McCain, two candidates, one winner, fighting to the bitter end, the battle of the news headlines starts now.
Glenn: Here we go, the battle of the headlines. This is where we pit Barack Obama and John McCain up against each other to see who's going to win, just based on the headlines of the day. We take the headlines of the paper every day, pit them 4 against 4. Is it 4 or 5 today? Pit them against each other and see who's going to opinion and, Stu, it's been a long haul for John McCain. We've been doing this for a couple of weeks and things aren't looking good.
Stu: Yeah. That's right, Glenn. I'm trying to remain completely unbiased here, but it's so hard because Obama is flawless. How I mean, the guy doesn't make a mistake.
Glenn: Oh, my gosh. I just got a tingle up my leg.
Stu: How can you possibly print a negative headline I got goose bumps. Obama.
Glenn: Oh, oh. I just got another. Do it again.
Stu: I don't want to.
Glenn: Say it like you're a hot chick.
Stu: I'm not going to do that for you.
Glenn: Say Obama. Just say Obama. Oh, yes. When your girlfriend, you know your girlfriend is, like, just let me call you Obama, when your wife is like, Obama, yes, we'll know we have found our man. All right. So, Stu.
Stu: Yes, Glenn.
Glenn: Looking like a good day for Obama or McCain.
Stu: The man is flawless. Obama has to be the guy.
Glenn: Here we go. Here we go. Headline No. 1: Obama's start status frustrating McCain. Headline No. 2: Obama gains on McCain in Arizona fundraising. Headline No. 3: The stars align for Obama. No. 4: Obama wins applause for delicate dance through Mideast political mine field. May I just point out here I don't think anyone should dance through a mine field but maybe it's just me. And finally the last headline for Barack Obama, Berlin awaits the new JFK. (Applause.) All right. We're her at the half. What are you seeing, Stu?
Stu: Well, you know, a couple of weeks ago I thought those headlines would have been bad with McCain having a clear edge on foreign policy but now we have seen Obama can travel across the oceans. The man is walking on water.
Glenn: Here we go, the next set of headlines. These are for John McCain in our headline battle. Headline No. 1: McCain denies misstating timetable of surge in Iraq. McCain credits Bush for drop in oil price. Iraq veteran takes on McCain in new ad. McCain's foreign policy frustration, and, finally, just so we can show a little ageism, the final headline for John McCain, McCain's confusion on Iraq.
Voice: Once again, Barack Obama comes out on top, glowing headline after glowing headline. Gee, what a freaking surprise.
Glenn: Hang on just a second. Stu, is that the second or third or fourth day that we have had a McCain headline that is ageist, that is confusion, he's mixed up?
Stu: Yeah. There's been a big
Stu: That's the new push lately is that he can't remember which country is which and he can't remember when things started or when dinner is being served, things like that.
Glenn: I think we should talk to him. If you're in the press corp, you should say, Mr. McCain, could you answer a question for me? How great is Obama?
I think you should just shout and speak slowly for the old and infirmed.