VOICE: Barack Obama, John McCain. Two candidates, one winner. The Battle of the Headlines is about to begin. First here's the pregame analysis with Ted Stantley and Gary Beckers.
STU: I tell you for the first time in a long time, Gary, the 2008 presidential debate isn't the top news story on everyone's mind.
DAN: That's right, Ted. There are two other huge stories going on. John Edwards has been cheating on his cancer stricken wife. And the other event is of course, the Olympics.
STU: Yeah, the top athletes in their game, showcasing a wide variety of talented people while Edwards is competing against himself to see how big of a scumbag he can be.
DAN: I tell you Ted, Edwards is succeeding, big time. He’s in a league of his own. What a piece of crap this guy is.
STU: His reservations for hell all set and ready to go, and so is the first half.
VOICE: Here's Glenn Beck with today's headlines.
GLENN: I think they just beat up on John Edwards better than John Edwards has beaten up on him. But hey, who am I to judge. Let's go. Our first headline comes from John McCain. John McCain headline number one out of the paper today. John McCain says he needs more sleep. Headline number two, John McCain, who's the novice? And John McCain, headline number three: McCain has lived pampered, out of touch he lived in a bamboo cage! He's lived a pampered, out of touch could go off for an hour on this one lifestyle.
VOICE: It's time for halftime analysis with our own Ted Stantley and Gary Beckers.
STU: I tell you as usual not a first half that was solid for McCain. The media trying to turn conventional wisdom on its head.
DAN: Exactly right. Trying to say that McCain's the inexperienced of the two candidates and that he's the one living a pampered lifestyle.
STU: All while tossing in an old person joke, too. I tell you what’s getting old is John Edwards cheating on his cancerous wife.
DAN: The chick he hooked up with, she isn't even that hot.
STU: Not only that, she's actually unattractive in many ways.
DAN: You can say that right. She fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch and impediment.
STU: Summer teeth. Some are here, some are there.
DAN: Possibly the offspring of Helen Thomas and Sam Cassell.
STU: Was beat with the ugly paddle--wait, Helen Thomas and Sam Cassell had an affair?
VOICE: The second half starts right now. Here's Glenn Beck.
GLENN: Here we go. Barack Obama headline number one: George Clooney coaches Obama. Headline number two: Obama jogs, golfs on first full day back in Hawaii. And headline number three: AP exclusive. Obama policy book coming out September 9th.
VOICE: Once again Barack Obama comes out on top. Gee, what a frickin' surprise.