Photo from the AP's Women's Volleyball Coverage...
GLENN: So the Olympics were on last night. You know, they were on a bunch of TVs and I mean, not mine necessarily. I'm just saying. But you had the typical gymnastic events, all right, the overly muscular upper body guys, you know, hanging on rings event which I can't get enough of. I'm like, whoa, look at that guy, whoa, look what he can do. Meanwhile I just, all I want to think is, I'll never be able to do that. Do we have any more Cheetos? Then you have the 12 year old girls trying to pass for 16 swinging from two bars for no reason event. And then, of course, you know, it's prime time. So there was the really hot women in thongs on the beach who also happen to be playing volleyball, although volleyball has nothing to do with the reason why they're on TV event. Which, let's be honest. Last week I turned on volleyball and I'm like, guys play this sport? You're kidding me. And we're covering it? Why? And I'm looking at their outfits. You know, have you seen the men's volleyball team? They got, like, they're wearing slacks! And I'm thinking to myself, there is just nothing here for women to watch. Nobody's watching this because there's nothing for women to watch. Nobody wants to watch volleyball. Come on. Is there anybody within the sound of my voice who is like, gee, if I could just watch professional volleyball, I could watch anything. Really? I tell you what, let's look at the ratings of volleyball when I, you know, when I make the women wear those 1800, you know, striped bathing suits. They're on the beach. What, they should be covered. Let's see how volleyball, how popular the sport of volleyball is in the Middle East. You know what I'm saying? So last night I turn it on and they're showing the trampoline. The trampoline is not a sport. "Oh, Glenn, you don't know, that's very tough." It's a bunch of people jumping 15 feet in the air on a trampoline and doing a lot of crazy flips. I mean, it's cool to watch and everything, but I mean, I can understand why it's a sport because, you know, people that enter are like, come on, man, I've got to be able to do this. So... you know, I've been doing this since I was 6. My mom used to... "Don't jump on the bed." "What, mom, I'm jumping from the dresser to the bed, this is great. Look, I can do a somersault, too." I mean, at some point, Jack, you've got to grow up. I'm just saying. Get a job. Is there anybody that says I mean, for instance, you've got to roll the dice. You've got to roll the dice. Michael Phelps, did anybody see Michael Phelps when he, you know when you read that he was worth $50 million now, was anybody surprised? Because I was. I was shocked. I went, only $50 million? I mean, I really thought he was, you know, $100 million man. I mean, who doesn't want that guy? He's got the greatest story ever. And what an athlete. The trampoline guy, did anybody see the trampoline guy on the box of Wheaties, really? And how many awards can they win? You bounced up and down higher than anybody else. Look, here's the gold medal for the highest bounce. I mean, what is the I want to know what's the medal for? How many medals can you get in trampoline? Is anybody is there a single sponsor besides someone who makes trampolines that is like, I've got to sign up the trampoline guy for a spokesman; he's fantastic. Now, again don't get me wrong. I'm sure trampoline is I mean, you know, it's whatever everybody wants. Even as a kid you wanted to do it. Now as an adult you want to jump up and down on the trampoline. I mean, that's you know, if you've got kids, they're like, time for trampoline practice? You know, you tell your kids, piano or trampoline. What do you think they're going to pick? I think you should get awards for things that you don't want to do. I mean, oh, wow, you got an award for practicing a long time jumping up and down on the trampoline. That was hard as a kid, huh? I mean, come on. Piano, nobody wants to play the piano until you can't play the piano and you're 40. That's when everybody wants to play the piano and that's what everybody everybody's always walking around going, gee, I wish I would have learned how to play the piano when I was a kid. Yeah. You know why? You know why? Because you didn't when you were a kid because it sucked when you were a kid. That's why you deserve an award when you learn how to play the piano. You are 20 years old and you are good at it, you deserve the award. Give him a gold medal, will you? I mean, practiced. Other kids were jumping on the trampoline. Shotput's another one of those. Nobody wants to. Why is that even a sport? Where did that sport come from? Who said, "Hey, I can throw that big ball farther than anybody else. Yeah? How about if I make that ball out of lead." What? Who made that sport up? What was that sport for? Like javelin, I understand where the javelin came from. That's a war thing. You've got to be able to throw. "I can throw that spear in the chest of that guy a lot farther than anybody else. See that guy way back there? I could kill him." Is that what the shotput started as? "I can drop this big rock on his head from a great distance." Good thing we invented guns. I'm just saying. The athletes would rise up and kill us. I'd be busy on trampoline. Javelin would go right through me, get hit in the head with a giant lead ball. "Poof, got him. Neocon." I mean, I really don't want to carry around a 16 pound ball of metal. Who does that? Who signs up for that? Who says, "That sounds like fun, I want to do the javelin thing." I mean, swimming, swimming sounds like fun until you get into the pool and you're like, I'm going to swim. Oh, no, it's not. That's not fun. It's exercise. Jeez. I mean, the 100 meter butterfly? Are you kidding me? Did you see the guys who were swimming? They were swimming for, like, 40 minutes. I'm like, jeez, when is this thing going to be over; just call it a day. I would just stand up in the middle of the pool halfway through the race well, no, halfway through the first lap I would have been like, "Okay, enough. I'm ahead, okay? Can't we just call it?" They were swimming for, like, 10 minutes. Nobody needs to swim that far. What are you swimming for? Get a boat. You swim so you can swim to the beach, swim to the shore. It's not a sport. It was a precursor to the lifejacket. That's what it was. You got a lifejacket, Bob there, get the GPS, someone will come and take you out. You've got to sit in one of those little chair lift things while the helicopter helicopter ride, you are an Olympic swimmer? They ain't giving you a helicopter ride. They're like, "What? With gas prices? Swim! I saw you on TV. You can do it." Give me the helicopter ride. What are you doing? That's the advantage of the trampoline. You always have to be safe. A, nobody watched your stupid sport. So nobody knows. "I won 23 gold medals in the trampoline." I think the guy on the trampoline, I think he could have won 16 gold medals and nobody would have known. Michael Phelps, 16. You won eight. Yeah, whatever. Shhh.
Diving, that's cool. Have you seen the synchronized diving yet? Synchronized, that's cool. I don't think I want to do it because, I mean, it would be fun until you had your first belly flop and then you'd be like, ow! All the way down to the bottom of the pool you'd be like, "Oh, that hurt." I think pole vault would be kind of fun, but I don't understand it. Why do you need a pole vault? It's not like there's a fence anywhere that you need to get over. Pole vaulting looks hard, doesn't it? It's like attaching yourself to a bendy straw, clearing the bar, falling onto a big mattress. When we were kids you know, again I think pole vaulting comes from us just wanting to jump from the dresser to the bed. And then mom would come in and go, "What are you doing! Stop it!" Going to be a pole vaulter someday.
By the way, speaking of the pole vault, quick ADD moment here, I feel like it's been only a few years since the beach volleyball players all started wearing less than you see on a Victoria's Secret poster. Maybe it's just me. Stu, are we going back slowly just to the naked Olympics? Because that's the way it used to be. You know, everybody was just naked.
STU: Maybe a loin cloth or something?
GLENN: Yeah. And again, I mean, maybe it's just me. I've not heard this comment from anybody, but Michael Phelps, pull up the pants, man. Pull the pants up.
STU: He's swimming very, very quickly.
GLENN: I know he's swimming quickly. Pull them up when you get out of the pool. I've never seen pants ride so low on a guy. It's embarrassing. I mean, not like ballet embarrassing. That's I don't even know what that is. Put some pants on. Have some self respect.
STU: So this guy who's, you know, the most accomplished Olympic
GLENN: Pull your pants up!
STU: Athlete ever
GLENN: Pull your pants up!
STU: Going to criticize him over pants, that's the stance you're taking.
GLENN: Let me ask you this. The women playing volleyball, I mean, look, they are wearing dental floss. What? They're athletes. We're not looking at them that way. We're looking at them for their athletic prow uh huh, yeah, yeah. Let me ask you this: If you went to a strip club and they were all playing volleyball, do you think your wife would buy that? Your wife's not buying it like, just watching the volley balm. Your wife's not buying it. She knows. They're not stupid. Well, not entirely.
STU: Making a lot of friends in this monologue.
GLENN: I just love saying things that I just know people are going to you know, that will be quoted back as a serious comment. I just love it.