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GLENN: So here's the thing. It's taken me a while to be able to figure out how to explain what's going on even to myself and so if I may take a moment and try to explain what the hell these people are doing to our money, let's just say you're you. I know that's a stretch but try to pretend you're you and you're just living in a regular you place and next door to you a guy that you've known forever and you think he's a pretty nice guy and all of a sudden he comes back and he's like, "Hey, I got married in Vegas this last weekend. You're like, you got married in Vegas, you're kidding me. That doesn't seem like you "Yeah, well, Paris Hilton was there." "Wait a minute. You married Paris Hilton?" "Yeah." "You think that's a good idea?" "Well, why not? She's hot." "I know, but really? I mean, that's going to work out?" "Sure it is."
All right. So there you are being you in your you kind much place and your next door neighbor who's, used to be just like you but now is married to Paris Hilton tears down his old house because Paris says we need a bigger house and you go over to the neighbor's house and they are like, hey, how are you affording this house? And you're like, "Oh, have I told you how great the sex is with Paris Hilton?" Pretty soon your friend is starting to tell you about how many purses she has. She's going out every day and she's buying a Louis Vuitton purse or a Coach purse or a Prada purse and she's bringing them back and your friend is now saying, "Honey, I don't think we can afford all these purses." "Yeah, I can, because I'm charging them." (Laughing). So she's charging all of the purses and you say to your friend, "This isn't really a good idea." And your friend says, "I know, but have I told you how great the sex is?"
So she continues to charge purses and she buys more and more and more purses, so many purses now that the purses can't even fit in the house. Your friend is now living in the car while Paris is in the house with the purses. It's a bigger house, by the way, and you're in a small little car seeing your friend once in a while. He only asks you to leave, you know, when he has to sleep or his wife comes to visit. You know what I'm saying?
So now your friend is there with all the purses living in his car, giant house, sex once in a while with Paris Hilton. He's living the sweet life. You and your wife are going, I don't know how he's doing it. This can't last. But Paris continues to say, "The purses, they're going to increase in value. They're going to be great. We're going to be so rich because these purses are $4,000 a piece right now, but people these are going to go up in value." And you keep saying to yourself, "I don't think so. I don't think those purses are worth, you know, 50 bucks, let alone I mean, they are just a piece of cow leather. That's all they are." "But they say, like, fancy names and stuff on them." They're still cow leather. "You don't understand the purse world."
And so Paris and her husband are making fun of you because you are not on the purse bandwagon. You are not somebody who understands it. You say it doesn't make sense, but everybody else tells you, "You're just stupid." And they continue to buy purses next door.
Well, one day, one day all of a sudden the purse store wants the payments for the payments because somehow or another the purses aren't selling anymore. Somehow or another people realize, $4,000 for a purse, that's really stupid. "I know, but have I told you how great the sex is?" "Yeah, I know you're happy and everything, but $4,000." So nobody's buying purses anymore.
So now your neighbor's in a full fledged panic. Well, not to worry, not to worry because before Paris Hilton can collapse, here comes the Parker Brothers guy, you know, the guy with a top hat, you know, from the Monopoly? "Hey, everybody, I'm here with money. I got money, money, money, money." And so he comes to the door and he's got lots of money. And he's like, "Don't worry, I can bail you out. I got money!" And he starts throwing money around and giving them all this money to your friend who then gives it to his wife who then goes out and buys more purses with it. And you're like, "You know, Bob, I don't think that's I don't think that you should be buying more purses and that money looks a little funny right now." "What? It's Monopoly money. It's good. Look at all the pretty colors." And your friend's got a whole stack of money, but in between some of the green ones are like orange ones and pink ones and white ones and you're like, okay, I don't think those are Canadian dollars because Canadian dollars are actually worth more than the green ones right now. So you should probably be careful of asking the Monopoly guy for more money. But the Monopoly guy named Hank continues to bring more Monopoly money to your friend and his collection of purses.
Well, then because the purse stores are all going to collapse, the purse stores all get together and they go to the purse reserve. "Hey, we're going to have one of our biggest customers fail here. What do we do." So the purse reserve gets together with the Monopoly guy and says, "You know what, if you'll guarantee the loans on these purses with your Monopoly money, we'll just hold all of these purses over here in the purse reserve." This is great! This is fantastic because now all of the purses are gone and they're in the purse reserve. They've all been paid for by the Parker Brothers guy and your friend is free to move back into his house with Paris Hilton and they can have sex and she oh, wait a minute, hang on. He can't have sex with her because she's out buying more purses again. Because she hasn't learned her lesson.
She can't wait because they are the only one that actually gets hurt in this. Well, no, not true. Until your wife decides she just wants a simple purse. She hasn't been collecting purses. She just wants to buy one purse. That's all she wants. Unfortunately she can't get a loan for the purse. She can't she doesn't have any money for the purse because all the money is tied up with Parker Brothers and the purse reserve. Only big buyers of purses, only Paris Hilton can get that access now to that cash to buy more purses. Your wife can't buy a purse because there's no money available for the small, little people who weren't on the purse bandwagon in the first place.
So the moral of the story is everyone but you is dumber than Paris Hilton. The Fed and the Treasury, they get it. The irresponsible neighbor, he's had sex with Paris Hilton. But look at it this way. You're getting screwed by the Parker Brothers guy, huh? An then the Super Collider kicks in and we're all sucked into a black hole.
So that is what's happened in a nutshell to you over the weekend. I hope it was good. Did you get a chance to smoke? Because, mmm, that Parker Brothers guy is hot, isn't he?