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GLENN: We just bought on insurance firm. Yea! Oh, I feel so successful today, don't you? We all own the world's largest insurance firm now.
Stu, what are we going to do with all the money? I feel so good today.
STU: Well, not only all the money we're going to have from all the profits we're going to see from it but also all of our insurance is going to be free. We're the owners!
GLENN: Worried about health insurance and everything, we're the owners of the biggest insurance firm in the world now.
STU: When you own a convenience store, you don't pay for the soda.
GLENN: Hello. Why do you think I want to own a convenience store. Twinkie, mine (laughing).
STU: This is great.
GLENN: This is fantastic. I love it. No, I mean let's see. We own 50% of every home in America now. Oh, oh, have you heard Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid would like to set up an institution here. I'm just trying to remember what it is. What's it called? Congress, new agency, have they named this agency yet? I thought they did. Well, anyway, it's a new agency that they're trying to make and what we'll do as a nation is we'll look at these hobbled companies and this new agency, we'll just buy the bad investments from them. That will be fantastic. We could just skip the whole bankruptcy thing. Wouldn't it be great if we just didn't have the bankruptcy thing going anymore? It would just be like, bankrupt, bankrupt, big deal; I'm just going to give it to the government. They'll buy it from me.
STU: These companies are so stupid, they could go bankrupt but instead they are giving the companies to us.
GLENN: They are selling them to us and we'll have them! So when those bad investments turn around, you know, we'll be in the money.
STU: Seriously we're going to be like, what is it, like Kuwait that, like, all their people get, like, thousands and thousands of dollars from oil?
GLENN: It will be great.
STU: We're going to do the same thing with insurance.
GLENN: Oh, oh, yesterday Pelosi and the house, they passed this kick butt oil plan. It is fan this is fantastic. Have you heard, Stu?
STU: I mean, it's got to be kick butt if our government did it.
GLENN: No, no, it's fantastic. This is great, okay? What they've done is because Pelosi and the Democrats, they have been all for this drilling thing.
STU: Oh, they have been for it, yes.
GLENN: They have been saying drill now, drill yesterday.
STU: They have been saying that from the beginning.
GLENN: Drill the day before yesterday. We are big drill bits.
STU: Right, they just wanted the oil company to drill in places where there wasn't oil.
GLENN: Did you see how the Democrats, they all came into the House yesterday wearing those cool foam drill hats, that makes them look like their head's the end of a drill bit? It was so clever. Anyway, so they're all for drilling, and what they've done is because they know America's for drilling, they have decided to pass a big oil bill.
STU: That's what I want. I wanted them to drill.
GLENN: That's exactly what they wanted. They finally hear. Let's see. Eleven days before the ban on offshore drilling just naturally expires, they are going to pass a new drilling bill. It's great. They passed it yesterday. What it is is you can go in, you can go offshore
STU: Oh, my gosh, that's perfect, that's exactly what.
GLENN: You go offshore any place you want. Now, you can't go offshore within 50 miles, but after 50 miles you can go in. You can go in wherever you want well, you also have to have the state's approval, but here's the good thing. The state doesn't get any money for it. So all of their assets, ExxonMobil can just pump away and take them without the state. All the money will go right to the federal government. Screw the state. Right to the federal government. Who in Virginia's not for that?
STU: Yeah, Virginia's going to love that because they won't have to deal with all of that work. It's like a vacation for all of Virginia.
GLENN: Virginia, California, you know what that means if you get royalties? It means you are going to go to the bank more, you are going to have to have you are going to have to buy blue ink or black ink instead of just red ink. I mean, what are you going to do? Do you know how much of a headache that's going to be?
STU: Not to mention you'd probably have to invest that money and we've seen this economy. We've seen these companies.
GLENN: You think what you know what the Republicans want to do? California, Texas, Virginia, Florida, you know what they want you to do? They are trying to give you money so you can invest. The same people that were involved in this collapse on Wall Street would present you with an option where you could invest your money into Wall Street. Where would you be if you had all that royalty money and it was invested in Wall Street? I'll tell you where. Broke. That's where you'd be. That's why Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats are looking out for you. They are not going to give you that option to invest. They're gonna take it, okay?
Now here's the best part. You can drill right off the coast of Maine. Boom, you're in, okay? You can drill off the coast of off the coast of Virginia. Boom, you're in. They would like you to know, however, the eastern part of the Gulf Coast of Mexico, that's out, can't drill there.
STU: Well, that's one little thing. That's it. One little exception.
GLENN: One little part. And also the other thing that, you know, you might we should probably point out is all the studies show that the majority, 80% of the resources that we're looking for are within 50 miles of shore. So but anything outside of 50 miles, outside of 50 miles, you got it. 80% is 50 miles in. But after that, you got it. And also, also there's some more taxes and part of this bill is the new oil companies are going to be penalized and everything else, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Drilling. And Stu, did I mention we also now own the largest insurance group in the world.
STU: So we have everything we could ever want on drilling and we've got a new company.
GLENN: Dan, this is just and I'm sorry to do this. This is just the way I roll. Dan, do you have any Kool and the Gang and Celebration? Because I don't think, I don't think this news warrants anything less than Kool and the Gang. It's that good of news.
STU: Yeah. Because, you know, Glenn, when I bought my house and again I just bought my house. I don't even own my whole house. I just bought a mortgage. We moved into the house and we went out and we celebrated with a dinner.
STU: We just bought the biggest insurance company.
GLENN: In the world.
STU: In the world.
GLENN: What should we buy? What should we buy for ourselves?
STU: I feel like we need a present.
GLENN: You know what, everybody in America should be given a free card today, seriously. Everybody, we closed a huge deal! Yeah! We're number one.
STU: We should get a commission.
GLENN: Go ahead, Dan. Oh, see, now, this is the appropriate music. This is the appropriate music. This is the appropriate band. When you listen to this band, you think to yourself, yeah! Have you noticed that the insurance company has three letters? United States of America also has three letters? We were made for this deal.
STU: I tell you, the first thing I'm going to do, Glenn, is I'm just going to start insuring things for whatever I want. We own the company. We can I want to insure my dog for a million dollars today. That's what I'm going to do because I can do whatever I want.
GLENN: Call up the Senate. Let's call AIG because we own it, let's call them up today. We want to insure your dog for a million dollars. I don't think you know who you're talking to here, AIG, Mr. Owner on the phone. Hello. Oh, this is going to be great. And if we could just seal that deal where we can create a new federal agency, where we've just not the good investments. Not the good debt.
STU: Oh, no.
GLENN: Just buy the bad debt. Has anybody noticed that there is a strange little thing going on right now where our government seems to hate corporations. Have you noticed that, hate those corporations, hate them, while they're successful. But as soon as they're not successful, they're too large to fail. They're too important to allow them to fail, but every time there's a big successful one, they suck and we should do everything we can to run them out of business. You know, oil companies, not too big to fail. They should we should do everything we can to put those people out of business. That evil Wal Mart, oh, I hate those guys. They're too big. Lehman Brothers, AIG? Too big to fail, too important, we can't allow them to fail; we've got to go bail them out. Have you ever noticed that? How do they do that? I want to be more like a politician.
STU: Why are you calling it a bailout? We bought it.
GLENN: I'm sorry. AIG wasn't a bailout. That was I actually heard this. I actually heard people say, this is a really good deal for the United States. Oh, is it?
STU: Always is, Glenn, always is.