GLENN: I kept going back. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it.
So where do you want to start?
STU: Honestly I'd like to start with what movies are coming out. That's what I want to start with. But I guess we can start with the debate.
GLENN: You want to start with the debate? Here it is. Let me go to Dan, our in-house Republican. Dan, tell me about how excited you are for the John McCain lever pull that you've got.
DAN: Wasn't our best night last night?
GLENN: Wasn't your best night last night? Was it even a Republican night last night?
DAN: I did not, I did not really notice too much of a conservative out there on the stage at all.
GLENN: I didn't even notice what I would call a Republican.
STU: I was thinking like, imagine if they had a debate. Now, just picture this, okay?
STU: You have a debate. It's for the presidency of the United States.
GLENN: Got it.
STU: And what you have is you have two candidates.
STU: One that represents the left side of the argument.
STU: And the other one would represent the right side of the argument. So you'd have two different opinions.
STU: And they would be going back and forth. "I think lower taxes, I think higher taxes." And you could fight about which one, left or right, which way should we go. I mean, it's kind of boring the way they do it now with both on the left.
GLENN: No. Look, we've already said what the destination is. We're going to hell! How big is the hand basket? That's great. "I want a smaller hand basket. I'd like a bigger hand basket." That was fantastic. I don't think I've ever been more proud of our presidential candidates than I was last night, with the way they were going back and forth: "Yeah, well, he did that. No, no, no, he did this. Well, yeah? Well, let me tell you what you did. Oh, yeah? Well, we got cameras in your bedroom." I loved it when John McCain stepped to the mic and he said, "My friends..." and he says "My friends" one more time, my head is going to explode. I'm not your friend, John. "My friends, what I believe we should do, my friends, because I have a plan. I have a plan. I know how to make a plan. I made a plan. I've made plans before. I know how to correct the problem. I know what the problem is, my friends, and I can do it because we're Americans and we're great and we can do it, my friends, because I've done it before. We can do it again, see?" That part was entertaining and not driving me crazy. But really what put me over into the fun zone was, "My friends, I'm calling on nationalizing all of our mortgages, my friends." Nationalizing the mortgages! "But I'm going to cut down on the... did you see the size of that slide projector that Barack Obama wanted?" I'll give you every slide projector on planet Earth! Please don't nationalize the mortgages! "Because we've got to cut back. What we have to do is we have to cut back. That's why I'm going to say no more toothbrushes. Healthcare will no longer include any kind of toothbrush." Toothbrush? "See, Barack Obama, he wants a healthcare system that includes toothbrushes and everything else. You know, get everything for free. And I say, okay, that's good, we'll do everything for free, but I think we should cut back, and we can't spend that much. So we're not going to pay for your toothbrush, my friends, because I know exactly what -- I've made these plans before." Really? Where do you read those plans? "How to destroy the U.S."?
STU: I thought that was a really funny moment. This is the comedy court, wasn't it, now that you mention it. That was hilarious.
GLENN: Actually it was. It was Tom Arnold and Sinbad. You're right. I could have been watching the debate or the comedy club. I don't know.
STU: You don't know which one was which. Because I was watching -- I thought it was the debate but it might have been the comedy because the comedy part of the portion program was when the guy who's supposed to be on the right was talking about nationalizing mortgages and then the guy on the left comes back in a hilarious moment and he says he's proposing a net spending cut. It was hilarious. What a great moment for comedy.
GLENN: You know, America, we're being lied to. We're being lied to. John McCain gave you Sarah Palin. So shut up, conservatives. I gave you Palin; isn't that enough? No, no, it's really not, John. It's not really. I mean, it's good. It gives me hope. It does, it gives me hope that there's somebody out there that gets it, there's somebody out there that -- and we're going to know right where she is: Alaska. So we can tap her in four years. Sarah, I'm begging you please do your work, please use the next four years. Go to -- what school do we send her to? How to -- you know, just study 1980 to 1989 to show how Ronald Reagan helped collapse the Soviet Union because you in Alaska are going to have to figure out how to collapse what will become the new Soviet Union, the United States of America. I'm just sayin'. But the good news is it's going to be very, very weak because there's really not going to be much left, but that's a different story.
It's not enough for Sarah Palin. These guys -- both candidates are lying to us. "My friends, I've got a plan." You don't have a plan, John. Where's your plan? Where's your plan? Your plan includes -- who do you think should be the next secretary of treasury? Let me just say this. I'm a recovering alcoholic, former deejay with no formal education, and the last two weeks I've been thinking, who should the next secretary of treasury be because Paulson's almost out of there. Who should it be. I wonder if we could get Deputy Dawg to be in there. I've been wondering that. "So tell me, Senator McCain, who would you like to have as the next secretary of the treasury?" "My friends, how about the guy who likes that guy?" That's your answer? The guy who likes that guy! Well, everybody knows his name. Well, everybody knows the name of Ray Crock, too. Maybe we can dig him up. You know, he's the guy who did McDonald's. Wouldn't it be great? Maybe I could run around in a clown suit. Maybe we could have Secretary of State Ronald McDonald, we could live in Happyland. How about that? That's your plan? "My friends, I've been to Happyland before, the Hamburglar, I'll make sure he stays behind bars." Oh, my gosh.
STU: Didn't he at one point say -- again we're railing on McCain because we were hoping for something from McCain. Obama was terrible, too. But the bottom line is like at some point didn't he say that the most important qualification --
GLENN: The people know him.
STU: That people know him and can relate to him?
GLENN: No, really --
STU: As I was saying first of all, we relate to a lot of people. A lot of them aren't qualified. But I don't think I should ever even hear from the treasury secretary. Like, I have no reason in my life to have to listen and relate to the treasury secretary. Honestly in all seriousness, we should never know who the guy is. The guy's supposed to do his gig and take care of things. He shouldn't be relating to us. He shouldn't be justifying things to us. He should just be doing his job. That's not an elected position. You've got to follow these guys and you've got to make sure that they -- but this is not a guy that I want to hear from every day.
GLENN: Can I ask what the deal is with eBay? What is the deal with John McCain and eBay? "You know she sold her plane on eBay." Did you hear how he said, what's her name, Meg somebody?
STU: Meg Whitman.
GLENN: Meg Whitman? You know she did something that -- it was like Paul Harvey all of a sudden. "I've got -- let me tell you about Meg Whitman, Meg Whitman, somebody I'm thinking about as the secretary of treasury. She just created something that maybe many of you might have used before, a little something called... eBay." I mean, that's what it was!
STU: And now you know the rest of the --
GLENN: I mean, did you hear how he even told the story? "You know, you might have heard a little company that she ran, eBay." You're like, the eBay person! Whoa, now I feel good! At least we know how we're going to sell all the mortgages that we just bought!
STU: I mean, Meg Whitman's great, don't get me wrong. I think she's fantastic but it's like, I don't know, is she the -- I have no idea if she's qualified to be treasury secretary. She's a great businesswoman. How do you not know what the exact answer is? Hasn't he been asked this before?
GLENN: I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. So look, look. Here's where this program is going. Do we need a bigger hand basket or a smaller hand basket? Here's where this program is going to go for the next few weeks. I can't -- I mean, I just can't do the John McCain thing. I can't do it. I know I keep going back and forth and back and forth and I bet I'm a lot like you.
Look, Barack Obama, Barack Obama -- I said this morning, Stu said -- because we were on computer back and forth the whole time. We were chatting back and forth, "My friends."
STU: I just had to copy and paste, just kept pasting my friends every third word.
GLENN: So Stu came in and said, how about that debate. And I said, Stu, look, last night I saw the guy that is going to be responsible for the destruction of America as we know it. I just wasn't sure because there were times I thought he was black and other times I thought he was white. I don't know which one it was! Barack Obama is a Marxist. Barack Obama is as dirty as you possibly can get. He's from Chicago politics. This guy, he's in bed with ACORN, they're like quote/unquote family, the Jeremiah Wright thing. Make no mistake about it, make no mistake about it. America, we have been warned over and over and over again. This guy is going to take us to places we've never, ever been before. Bad, bad things coming our way.