VOICE: Are you ready to play, Can a Soldier Read?
GLENN: Well, I don't -- I mean, Stephen King says they can't read but Darren claims to be in the military and claims that he can read. Let's go to Darren. Hello, Darren.
CALLER: Hey, Glenn, how are you doing today?
GLENN: Very good. What branch of the military are you in?
CALLER: I'm in the Mississippi Army National Guard. We're supposed to leave in numbers of active duty guys.
GLENN: I was going to say, the National Guard, how do you even tie your shoestrings?
CALLER: I can't even see them.
GLENN: You claim you can read?
CALLER: I think so. I've been told I can.
GLENN: What do you have there? Where are you right now?
CALLER: I'm actually, I'm on the road. I'm calling from Hattiesburg, Mississippi.
GLENN: Hold it just a second. You're a soldier, dumb.
CALLER: That's right. Yep, I'm wearing a kind of green camouflage suit right now, yeah.
GLENN: Wait a minute. Boy, don't ever take that off in the woods. You'll never find it. So you're a soldier, which is dumb. Then you're a National Guard, which is even dumber. And you're from the South. Let me guess, who dialed the phone for you?
CALLER: I live here. I'm originally from Missouri.
GLENN: Okay. You got that going for you.
CALLER: I got that going for me, I suppose.
GLENN: All right. So Darren, go ahead and what do you have to read?
CALLER: I've got a GSA information packet.
GLENN: A GSA information -- what is a GSA information packet? I'm just pretending I don't --
CALLER: It explains how the use the Voyager card which is our gas card for our government vehicles.
GLENN: Oh, boy. Okay, go ahead.
CALLER: Okay. Use the Voyager card like a visa card. Operators should be aware that the Voyager card is the preferred method of paying for maintenance, repairs --
GLENN: Stop, stop. Stu, do you buy this at all? He's memorized this stuff. This is stuff the military drums into their heads while they are doing experiments on them.
STU: I believe that's exactly what Stephen King was thinking.
GLENN: I mean, seriously. Darren, they have been doing experiments on you to try to make the AIDS virus more viral to kill more black people.
CALLER: I'm not allowed to speak on that subject, Glenn.
GLENN: That's what I thought. That's why, do you have something that's not military issued sitting right there? Oh, of course not. Interesting.
CALLER: I do have one question. I was reading this tear and there's a bunch of numbers with dashes in between them. Is that what you're referring to as the telephone number?
GLENN: I'm not really sure. Darren, hang on just a second. I'll get you a copy of the Christmas Sweater.
CALLER: Okay, Glenn, thanks a lot.
GLENN: Hold on. Have somebody read it to you.