GLENN: The New York Times has a story about Joe the plumber who has a new book out and it starts like this: The unlicensed pipe fitter known as Joe the plumber is out with a book this month. Just as the last seconds of his 15 minutes are slipping away, I have a question for Joe. "Do you want me to fix your leaky toilet?" I don't think so, and I don't want you writing books, not when too many good novelists remain unpublished, not when too many extraordinary histories remain unread, not when too many riveting memoirs are kicked back in offers after ten years of toil. Not when voices in Iran, North Korea or China struggle to get past the censors gate.
You've got to be kidding me, you self-righteous piece of garbage, not when too many voices in Iran, North Korea and China struggle to get past the censors gate. New York Times, you are the censor here and you're just as oppressive as any kind of censor in China, North Korea or Iran. You just do it with a velvet hammer. Jeez, you -- these people. You know what, I have to tell you, I'm going to read this whole article to you. I have never read anything so elitist in my life. (Sighing). Joe, aka Samuel J. Wurzelbacher, whatever, was no good as a citizen.
Now, let me ask you this. I've never, ever seen anyone in the New York Times defend anyone who said "I don't know if you're American." Have you? I think that's un-American. I've never seen them defend -- unless they're from the left, unless, you know, they're elitist. Then they'll defend it. If you are an elitist -- for instance, did you hear what Jeremiah Wright said about what's her name? Who's the hot babe on the view that you guys love?
GLENN: Elisabeth Hasselbeck, did you see what Jeremiah Wright said about her?
GLENN: He called her, what, a ditzy bimbo or something?
DAN: I think I think I think ditzy broad was the exact words.
GLENN: A ditzy broad, a ditzy broad. Can you imagine if -- you know, give me some preacher. If any preacher from the right would call someone a ditzy broad, called Hillary Clinton a ditzy broad, can you imagine what the New York Times would say? But since they don't actually stand for anything, that they just actually just, all they care about is their agenda and their tight little circle of friends, they don't say a word. Who cares. They're just churning in one of the enemy. They are just taking them and just throwing them into a combine machine which, by the way, they wouldn't be able to identify a combine machine.
So Joe, who quoting the New York Times, "was no good as a citizen, having failed to pay his full share of taxes..." oh, I wonder if the New York Times says that Charlie Rangel is no good as a citizen. Do you think they've had that, have they had that printed anywhere that he's no good as a citizen? "No good as a plumber, not being fully credentialed." Oh, well, excuse me if the government doesn't give me a frickin' pass to let everybody know that I'm good at my job. I'm sorry. "And not even good as a faux American icon. Who could forget poor John McCain at his most befuddled calling out the working class surrogate on a day when Joe stiffed him. A failure, he now thinks he can join the profession of Mark Twain, George Orwell and Joan Didion." The only reason why he put -- Stu, can you name anything that Joan Didion did? Dan, can you name anything that Joan -- don't look it up. Can you name anything?
STU: Oh, I have all of her work. Oh, the Didion Chronicles, of course. The Didion Chronicles were excellent.
GLENN: Why do you think Joan Didion was in there? Do you think Joan Didion is really in the category of Mark Twain and George Orwell? Joe, can you name anything that Joan Didion did?
STU: P. Didion?
GLENN: Adam, can you read, do you know anything about --
STU: Don't forget about the Didion Ultimatum.
GLENN: Yeah, I had to look Joan Didion up, okay? Joan Didion, she was a so-called conservative. The only reason why Joan Didion is in there is because she has some kind of conservative streak. That's the only reason but only for, like -- I mean, Dennis Miller goes, "Who the hell are they even talking about." Joan Didion.
By the way, I know that Timothy Egan who writes this column for the New York Times doesn't want Joe the plumber to fix his leaky toilet and he doesn't want average Americans speaking their mind in the pages of literature, in the pages of books. Isn't that exactly the thing that we used to like about America, that the average Joe could have a voice? That's what they don't like about Sarah Palin, and listen to the vitriol. Listen to the poison that is spilling out of the bottom of this man's pen. They don't like Sarah Palin, they don't like Joe the plumber because they're average people, and if you're an average person, well, you're just not good enough. That's what the founding fathers had in mind. They wanted farmers, not elitist academia setting the course for the nation. And it worked out pretty well, you know, for 150 years. But not apparently to the New York Times.
He goes on, you don't want people like that writing books. "With a resume full of failure." A resume full of failure, not good as a citizen, let me ask, let me ask why this man is so angry. Then he goes on to say, "Up next, maybe Sarah Palin who is said to be worth nearly $7 million if she can place her thoughts between covers." Oh, really? Kind of like Hillary Clinton was. "Publishers with all the grim news of layoffs and staff cuts at the venerable houses of letters. Can we not set some ground rules for these hard times? Can anyone who abuses the English language on such a regular basis, should they not be paid to put words in print?"
You know what, let me tell you something. The last guy who I heard speak like this is Keith Olbermann who, his book was a dismal failure. But I wonder if Egan wrote anything about the failure that is Keith Olbermann. You think? Do you think he had a problem with Keith Olbermann? And the reason why Keith Olbermann didn't get a big signing bonus is because he can't write worth a damn and he also can't sell a single damn book. I mean, the only one that outsells Keith Olbermann in the reverse would be Nancy Pelosi, another wonderful woman who is just riddled with literature. It just spills from her veins. Really? So now they don't want Sarah Palin writing anything because she abuses the English language on such a regular basis and she should not be put -- she should not be paid to put words in print. Oh, oh, I see. He can't understand why other people are making millions of dollars and he's just, well -- what's his name? Timothy Egan, he doesn't.
Here's the deal, Tim. It's not Joe the plumber or Sarah Palin that's the problem with the book industry. You know what the problem is? You. People like you that churn out book after book and then encourage the churning out book after book of books that people don't want to read. You can read it all you want. Unless you can get somebody else to read it... it's kind of like the tree falling in a forest. You can write all the literature you want but if nobody's reading it, don't complain to me.
You know, one of the guys who wrote two songs for the Christmas Sweater, they are the last two -- well, the two songs in the second act, one, "Oh Child, Why Do You Run," and the other one is "You Have the Power." Those two songs are written by a new composer. I met this guy quote/unquote by chance. We were on vacation and I met this guy and he started talking -- and he's probably -- how old would you say Blake is? 25, 28 years old, maybe 28? Yeah, he's in his 20s and he started talking to me about Thomas Paine and I looked at him and I said, are you making fun of me? And he said, what? And he didn't know who I was and I thought he did because, you know, he's referencing Thomas Paine. And I said, are you making fun of me? And he said, no, why would I be making fun of you? And I said, well, just usually people don't bring up Thomas Paine out of the blue. And he said, have you read Thomas Paine? And I went, okay, now you're making fun of me. Well, we started talking and I said, "What do you do? Where are you coming from?" And he said, well, he said, I went to college. I'm trying to remember which college it is. What was it? I think it was, Carnegie Mellon. And he went through their music program and he was almost kicked out of their music program. He got I think a C or something like that. And I said, "Well, why is that?" And he said, "Because I wouldn't write wrap." And I said, "What do you mean?" And he said, "They kept telling me that you write for you and not the audience. I write for the audience. I write what is in me, but I write for the audience. Why am I going to force people to come and listen to an hour that they're going to hate. I can find things that are popular in nature and that I love, that is part of art." Oh, well, they just, they wanted to flunk him. He almost got kicked out because they kept saying you've got to be more dissident in your music. And I said, you know what? I wanted to give you a shot at writing two pieces of music. These are the first -- if I'm not mistaken, these are the first two commercial pieces of music he's ever written. And when you hear them, if you go to the stage show, I want you to applaud loudly for Blake. He was in the audience. His hometown is Pittsburgh. We opened in Pittsburgh. What's wrong with that? That's art, or is that too commercial? Just because you can't write something that actually sells doesn't make you an artist. You can starve all you want, Van Gogh. If that's the only thing you can paint, that's the only thing you can paint. Oh, well. You're going to have to learn to suffer, cut your own ear off, die in poverty and then in 100 years from now everybody will look back and say that's sweet. If that's what you want to do, don't complain. "Artists have never been understood in their own time." Get over it. I mean, with a resume full of failure, Tim, you should be able to understand that. Isn't that what makes art, the fact that you can't sell it? Hmmm, no.
These people, this is the problem with the New York Times. Who wants to read this garbage from the New York Times? "Most writers I know work every day in obscurity and close to poverty." Yes, they do. And they live in poverty because they don't have a marketable skill. "Being able to impress people who despise the average American isn't a marketable skill," except apparently at the New York Times, but that market seems to be getting smaller and smaller, doesn't it now? "The idea that someone who stumbled into a sound bite can be published and charged $24.95 for said words makes so many real writers think the world is unfair." Oh, well, boohoo. The world is unfair to the New York elitists. Are you shedding a tear yet? Hang on. Let me get you a Kleenex. Are you about to cry a river for those writers in poverty unfairly forced to have real jobs where they provide a service that other people actually want? Oh, no. I got news for you, Timothy Egan. It's people like Sarah Palin and Joe the plumber who write books that wind up paying for the thousands of failed books written by people you call real writers. It's just amazing to me, just absolutely amazing to me.