A very young Glenn Beck shows his allegiance to cake (and future weight control issues)...
GLENN: Well, let's give it a shot. Hold on just a second. Let me go to -- oh, I'm not going to do that to Nathan. Nathan, you have -- if you listened to yesterday's show, you are appreciating that joke. Nathan, the Insiders, apparently there is some sort of controversy Stu has told me about.
CALLER: Yes. There is a war that has been brewing for weeks now and is tearing our community apart and we need to know which side you stand with.
CALLER: Is it cake or is it pie.
GLENN: I'm sorry. Hmmm?
CALLER: Is it cake or pie?
GLENN: This is the Insider Civil War?
GLENN: Cake or pie?
CALLER: Yes, it is tearing us to pieces.
GLENN: And what is the big controversy? I say yes.
CALLER: For cake or for pie?
GLENN: I can't have both?
CALLER: No. It has to be one or the other.
GLENN: No, it doesn't.
CALLER: Yes, it does.
GLENN: No, it doesn't. I went last night, I took my family out to a restaurant here in Seattle. It's called 13 Coins and it's a place my mother used to take me when I was a kid on very special occasions and so we finished The Christmas Sweater and I went and I took them and the guy was taking the order and he said, all right, what do you want. It's 3:00 a.m. eastern time to me and I'm looking and I said, I'm just going to have some hash browns and he said, "Okay, you want to hang with the hash browns? I said, peach cobbler. And he said, you want hash browns and peach cobbler? And I said, uh-huh. And do you have any ice cream? He said, okay, your order is hash browns, peach cobbler and ice cream? And I said, how's your, how's your apple tart? So no, it doesn't have to be one or the other. I mean, hey, it's America.
CALLER: Well, but between the two, which one do you prefer? Now, we have determined the cheesecake belongs to the pie family, if it helps.
GLENN: How did you, how did you --
CALLER: I have the definition here that says despite the name, cheesecake are technically tarts. That is open top pies. Therefore cheesecake is a pie. It has a crust.
GLENN: Well, then it should be a cheese tart. No, they have cheese tarts. Cheese tarts suck.
CALLER: Well, but it's not about tarts per se. It's about cake or pie.
GLENN: But you just said that cheesecake is technically a tart.
CALLER: But it's in the pie family. So it's still technically a pie.
STU: Will you make a decision, you flip-flopper? Just say one.
CALLER: Well, you say one.
STU: I say cake! I say cake! I'm going to take a stand!
GLENN: You know what, it's got to be pie because there's too many options with pie.
CALLER: See, thank you.
STU: There's no options with cake. Cake just has one flavor.
GLENN: No, it's vanilla, chocolate. Go deeper.
STU: Strawberry short.
DAN: Ice cream cake with the crunchy stuff in the middle.
GLENN: That would be -- I believe ice cream -- excuse me. I believe ice cream cake would be probably in the torte family if cheesecake -- yes, if cheesecake is in the torte family, in the pie family, then ice cream cake would be in the pie family.
STU: Cupcakes. Hello? Coffeecakes.
CALLER: With cheesecake, that's all there is to it.
GLENN: Cupcakes, that's like putting a different category for doughnut holes. They're doughnuts! Cupcakes are not a crazy -- you know what that is? That's just to make you feel better about, than standing there and eating, you know, a whole cake.
STU: Yes. When does pie do anything like that for you? Cake is trying to make you feel better. What has pie got --
GLENN: Pie liberates you.
STU: No, it does not. It's fruit flavored!
GLENN: Pie is not trying to live -- pie is not trying to live a lie. By giving you a little bit of cupcake and going, "Oh, you can feel good about yourself, fatty fat fatso." Pie says, "You want a big slice of me? Come and get me!"
STU: Is that what pie does when it fills it with fruit flavoring filled with all sorts of vitamins and nutrients? They are not trying to send some secret message there? Is that what they're doing?
GLENN: No, no, no. You know why? Because it's covered in sugar.
STU: It's covered in icing. Cake gets icing. It's liquid sugar! It's so much better than pie.
GLENN: Sorry. Stu's wrong. That's why he's the producer of the program, at least until tomorrow at 12:00. Hey, Stu, by the way.
GLENN: Stop by my office tomorrow afternoon, will you? And just for no apparent reason whatsoever, bring a box.
STU: Are you making me a pie?
GLENN: Yes, I am.
GLENN: Hey, and bring in some of those pictures that you have on your desk, just bring them with you. Anyway, so I'm going to go with pie, Nathan, all right?
CALLER: Thank you.
GLENN: You're welcome, brother. It's the kind of big problems we solve here on this program. Yeah, we do it daily.