GLENN: We flew in last night and my wife is traveling with me. My wife is -- can I just say I don't understand women. I don't understand what takes you so long, ladies, to get into bed. It can't just be my wife. I can't travel with my wife. She needs like a, she needs another hotel room. We get in, it's like 2:00 in the morning. Now, I've been on the road for three weeks. I have a pattern. I get in, I drop my stuff, I get my toothbrush, I brush my teeth, I plop into bed. I'm asleep.
Last night like 35 minutes later after closing the door, she's still in. I'm like, what are you doing? Go to sleep! "I'm washing my face." How long does it take you to wash your face? I swear I think she's counting her hair. I think she's like, "One, two, three, four..." what are you doing! Turn off the lights! Is there anybody else whose wife then takes an eternity in the bathroom? What is the ritual? I want to know what it is. I can help you design and streamline that ritual.
Here's what I've developed: Come in, drop your stuff, brush your teeth, plop into bed, go to sleep. Now, that's how I've streamlined it. You want to add the "Wash your face" thing, that's fine. But you're going to get up in two hours and wash your whole body! It's not like your pillow is saying, "Oh, I can't sleep with that face. That face is so dirty." Did you just come outside from the dust bowl? Wash it in a couple of hours! It will wait! It's been dirty all day! I mean, I understand the "Brush your teeth" thing. It's like you go to bed and you've got sweaters on your teeth. You know what I mean? It's like, "Okay, I really need to brush my teeth." I get that. "I'm washing my face." And she's got the little stupid headband to keep her hair out of her -- "What?" How long does it take you to get the hairband on? So your hairband gets wet. Are you washing your face like a cowboy, are you just putting your hands in the sink and splashing it up? Why do you need to keep your hair like that? Put the water on the washcloth, wash your face and go to sleep! "I don't think this is very funny." Neither do I.
I was actually in bed questioning the founding fathers' judgment last night. I'm thinking I don't think, I don't think they were the best judges. I don't think they had the best judgment when they said men could keep firearms! Is there anybody else whose wife takes an eternity just to put the pajamas on, just come to bed. She takes an eternity. And then you're laying in bed and you're like, "Okay, okay, okay," as I'm asleep, "Okay, she's coming to bed." And then she turns on her light on her side, which you turned off long ago. Then she turns on her light and she will sit in bed and she'll, like, put cream on her hands and her arms and her face and her feet. And then she'll rub a little more cream on her elbows and then this one, just rub it in (humming). Then she'll rub the other one. And then when she's done, she will go back to her feet (humming). She's just rubbing it in her feet. And then she'll like -- and you'll think, okay. Then she'll get up and then she'll, like, go through the drawers and try to find some socks and then she'll put her socks on. And meanwhile you're just, ahhhhh, ahhhhh, ahhhhh! "Turn off the light and go to sleep!" I never understood people that had two bedrooms, you know? I've never understood that. You know the really, really, really like rich kings and queens, they have, you know, two bedrooms? I get it now! I get it. "Just knock when you want to have sex. Let's move on." Because it's just, "They're going to be knocking at your door." "I know, honey, I know. You've got lotion to put all over your elbows, and the hairband looks so great." I swear to you it's like the mechanics of washing your face are not the same for men and women. I don't know what it is. I don't know how long it takes. Like hours. It's a cowboy bath, it is. It's just... she's like, there must be like a horse trough there in the -- she must fill the tub and then I don't know why you need something to pull your hair back so you can wash your face. It's a washcloth.
Stu, am I alone in this? Is it Lisa, is she like this as well? Is it just me? Dan?
STU: No, it's the entire, I mean, the entire home is essentially a catalog from some, I don't know, cream company, like cleansers or something. I don't know what they're doing in there. It's very frustrating because I don't know how much -- I mean, I don't know what the appropriate percentage of your salary that's supposed to go to facial cleansers is, but I know I'm above it.
GLENN: Facial cleansers. Washcloth.
STU: There's a time that there were bars of soap and people would use them on their face.
GLENN: Have you ever had a bar of soap? Like my wife once in a while, she will have bars of soap that have, like, sand in it. I swear they have sand.
STU: Isn't that what you are supposed to be taking off your face?
GLENN: I don't know what it is. It's like the soap manufacturers are like, they were down at the beach one day and they dropped the bar of soap in the sand and they brought it home anyway and their wife was like, "This is fabulous." And the guy was like, you know what, we just put little pieces of rock in it and women love it. They think it's good for them.
STU: I don't understand that because that is literally, you are trying to use sand to remove dirt.
GLENN: The only thing worse, the only thing worse, the bars of soap with, like, oatmeal. I don't want oatmeal in my soap. Have you ever seen that?
STU: Oh, yeah.
GLENN: I stayed at a hotel here recently. Adam, what hotel was it that we stayed at? It was like, it was not like an expensive hotel. It was like Holiday Inn Express that I looked at and I'm like, it has oatmeal soap. And I really thought -- I had to check the label because I thought, this ain't oatmeal soap. This is someone who just washed their kid's face and left all the oatmeal caked into the -- that's what it is. "That's not -- oatmeal soap is very good for your face."
STU: That's what they do, when they go to the vet, they tell me that, "Your dog is very scratchy. He's going to need an oatmeal bath."
GLENN: Give it to him for free because I ain't paying for it and I ain't giving him one. When was it that we -- when did we become a society where dogs get oatmeal baths and have CAT scans and... when did we unhinge from -- I think it was about the same time when our wives started washing with soap with rocks in it. And not because they had to go out and make the soap in a big barrel out of pig fat and they just happened to drop it on the way in and it had some dirt in it by accident. No, when they intentionally started putting dirt and sand and rocks in soap. That's when our society went to hell in a hand basket.
And while I'm on here on society going to hell in a handbasket, there's something else. You know, I have to tell you, I miss out on a lot of Christmas traditions because of the tour that I really like, you know? A lot of people like to put a plate of cookies out for Santa on Christmas Eve, you know? Because I'm on tour, usually the Christmas -- I just, I can put a plate of cookies next to my bed every night, you know, just so I can wake up in the middle of the night and eat a snickerdoodle without getting out of bed. You know what I mean? Because my wife will still be up washing her face! Put a plate of cookies outside the shower so, you know, when I'm getting ready, I can just reach out and grab a handful of snicker doodles. Put a container of cookies in the car for the ride in. You never know when you're going to break down, be stranded and need a plate of snicker doodles. It could happen! But one of my favorite things to do during the holiday season is drive around and look at the Christmas lights. I never get to do that anymore. Now I drive from the theater to the airport. It's just not the same, you know? You are flying out of a city and you're like, oh, wow, look at those... but there's one thing I have noticed on my minimal Christmas light tour from coast to coast and I'm a little torn on this. The new Christmas light nets? Have you seen that? The Christmas lights net? It's their -- I don't know what they are actually called. It's a new style of outdoor lighting. When I was a kid, you would go outside with your dad and you would manly string up all those big chunky colorful light bulbs that would burn out every three nights and your dad would either break his neck or when you got old enough, he would say, "You go up and change the light bulb; I'll hold the ladder." And I think my dad was secretly hoping, "Maybe this time he will fall off the ladder." And those light bulbs, you know, are probably worth about half the reason that we have an energy crisis. But they were worth it. Then we went to the fancy white lights and then the icicles and everybody had that and then the twinkling lights and the fake snow and the stickers on the windows? I'm sorry, but it's getting a little over the top. Now we have the Christmas light nets where you don't have to wrap the strand around the bush in front of your house. You just go take a net of lights and you -- like a blanket and you just like... and pop it on the -- that's not right. You don't even have to put gloves on, let alone experience the father-and-son tradition of, you know, of Dad screaming obscenities at the top of his lungs while the neighbors consider whether or not to call the police because they have got some maniac out there on the top of a ladder screaming at his son. That's what Christmas is supposed to be. You're supposed to get the big ball, love lights, the string of lights that are all tangled up and then your dad starts wearing and you say, "Dad, the reason why is because when you took them off last year, you were swearing so much and of course they untangle themselves and you don't say anything, because Dad will kill you if you do. That's Christmas! And Christmas light people, we can tell that these are blankets of lights. Your lights look too perfect. They are all exactly the same exact distance from each other. We know that the person inside the house, they just threw the light net on the bush and then went inside. You are not fooling anyone if you are using them. We know you cut corners.
And this is really where I'm torn. I looked at one of those bushes the other day and I thought to myself, I love to cut corners. You know, I'm the laziest man in America. Sure, I love the charm of the idea, of being out in the cold, rain and snow for hours with my son stringing up lights, but I don't want to do it. Something you just look back fondly and go, oh, wasn't that fun. No, it wasn't! Stop lying to yourself. I love the reality of throwing a net on a bush and then spending my father-and-son time inside where it's warm eating snicker doodles. That's the way it's supposed to be.
See, it's a classic battle that's going on in my head between laziness and traditionalism. But this is where capitalism comes in. Yes, the last gasp. There's capitalism in the corner. "What can I do for you. I'm almost gone (gasping). "No, wait, Father Capitalism, before you die, I don't want my Christmas to feel like a mass manufactured robotic assault on every tradition I remember from growing up." "But I'm almost gone." "I know, Capitalism, but please hold on. Just, all I need you to do is just make some irregular light nets." "What?" "I mean, lights, they shouldn't be in grids like some sort of holiday Excel sheet. What you should do, and maybe if you do this, it will help revive you, Father Capitalism. See, I think they should be messy, awkward, inconsistent, sloppy. Don't make them consistent. Make them consistently inconsistent." "Wait a minute. I'm feeling better. Starting to get my breathing back a bit." "You've got to make them look like Dad gave up trying to make them look good, you know? Find that pattern that Dad gave up trying to make them look good pattern, you know? So you get the convenience of throwing the net on the bush and going inside and having snicker doodles, but it doesn't look like you're The Grinch whose heart never grows two sizes because all the arteries are clogged from the snicker doodles." "Thank you, my son. You have freed me." "No, no, Capitalism, I'm going to take you with me. You're going to live! You're going to live!" "Now you're remembering Darth Vader in "Star Wars". I'm going to die here on the ramp of this ship."
Just think of this as the lazy man's Christmas present to the world. Light manufacturers, I give you that for free. Just have an inconsistent light net and you got it done. And a washcloth that can wash my wife's face in less than half an hour and you'll be set. I'm just sayin'.
I just looked over at my wife. She's staying in the studio. There ain't going to be any knocking at my door.