GLENN BECK PROGRAM
GLENN: Scientists now say that dark matter, which is some sort of fundamental building block of the universe -- there's more dark matter than anything else, but we have no idea what dark matter is. We think it has something to do with, you know, forcing this universe in its expansion but we also think it's the glue that holds it together and it's -- I have no idea. But we've never been able to observe it and so it's been behaving the way it always has. Well, now we've observed dark matter and scientists believe that now that man has observed dark matter, it has selected its course and it's now collapsing in on us and we're all going to die, smothered by dark matter.
Here's why I pass this story on to you. I don't know about you, but I didn't observe dark matter. Dan, did you observe any dark matter lately?
DAN: No, really haven't.
STU: There's dark meat for Thanksgiving.
GLENN: Dark meat? No, I'm looking for -- you're still getting Dark Matter Observer magazine, right?
STU: No, I'm actually not a subscriber.
GLENN: I know I wasn't in my car observing dark matter. I wasn't in my giant SUV observing dark matter. The scientists were. Don't blame me, scientists. Oh, I've got my little SUV that's going to make the world a little hotter. You're collapsing the universe! Which one of us suck more for nature? I'm only wrecking the planet. You've destroyed the entire universe! Thanks a lot!
Now, here's what I'd like to begin. I would like to offer to scientists dark matter offsets. You write me a check for $1,000 and I will not observe dark matter so you can. I promise I will not observe dark matter. Now, that's $1,000. I will get my family to not observe dark matter for $5,000. That's a yearly thing. These are just dark matter offsets, and every year we have to do it. And we have to reduce the observation of dark matter quickly. We are running out of time, and if we don't reduce our observation of dark matter, the universe will collapse on us.
So I ask every listener right now in the sound of my voice, what is your observational footprint? I encourage you to just look inside yourself and say, how much dark matter have I observed? Can I observe less? Do I have too powerful of a telescope? Have I ever watched the NASA channel? Maybe you just watch the NASA channel on an energy-saving television. Maybe you just watch the NASA channel with the contrast turned all the way up so the dark matter's not really so dark. In the meantime we understand that you have to observe some dark matter but please buy a dark matter offset. And I'm also going to encourage the United Nations to start taxing those who are observing dark matter because as I learned in the London Times last week, taxes are the only way to solve these kinds of problems. So if we can tax all of the scientists, all of the scientific universities, I think we should start levying giant fines on universities like Columbia. Anybody who is training these scientists to observe or to contemplate dark matter or want them to observe, teach them about dark matter which leads other people to want to observe dark matter, I think we need to levy high punitive taxes on them and I think then, of course, we'll be able to have this dark matter situation under control because do you want to die in a collapsed universe? How selfish are you? Don't you care about your children? We're light here at the Glenn Beck program. We're not dark. Just want you to know that.
Okay. What else? Yeah, do we have anything else on our plate? We've saved the universe, Stu. Anything else?
STU: No, it's officially saved. So I think we're all set.
GLENN: Well, it's never really saved. Some people are saying, some people are saying that the universe, when we observe the dark matter, is now expanding at a faster rate.
STU: Oh, but those people are all hacks.
GLENN: No, no.
STU: No, they're all hacks.
GLENN: No, no, no. Stu, collapsing, expanding, all we're talking about is dark matter, okay?
STU: Oh, dark matter change you're talking about.
GLENN: It is universal change that we need to fear.
STU: A dark matter shift?
STU: Not necessarily expand -- look, all we know is that this dark matter is causing the problem.
GLENN: Okay. So today you might look at it and say the universe is expanding. Another day you can say, jeez, it's getting a little tight in here? Have you noticed lately how small the universe feels? Hey, it expands and contracts, it expands and contracts, you know?
STU: Next day we'll say, hey, the dark matter is causing wildfires in California. Let's just, you know, eventually we'll figure out which one it is, whichever one happens and then we're good.