GLENN: Okay, thank you very much. You know, I have to tell you I am not, I'm not one that generally would like to sell my children but there's something about a two-week holiday around the Christmas, you know, period of the year that makes me want to put them up for auction, really, all of them. I got four. One's got very little damage. Some of them have higher mileage and an awful lot of damage. I'll admit it. I mean, I was driving them at the time. So, you know, that one's been in an accident or two. That left a mark. But, you know, one of them's got very low mileage. Maybe it's just, maybe it's the toy situation around the holiday that drives you crazy, you know. Am I the only one that just can't seem to get any of the toys right or to get anything, you know, to get a balance at all? You know, we really tried to balance this year. We were like, okay, we're going to cut back on Christmas, we're really going to, you know, just -- and so, you know, we bought, like, the older kids got a shirt and a sweater, a CD. You know, that was it. Younger kids, a book, maybe Raphe got a couple of extra train tracks for his train, you know, a toy. Cheyenne got a puzzle and a book. But then everyone else dogpiles on the family and that's what -- I mean, I have to tell you, after this vacation I'm ready for a vacation from my vacation. Maybe just regular work. Is there anybody else that came back to work today and went, whew, am I glad to be back to work. I mean, I never look forward to, you know, schlepping myself back into work and everything until you have two weeks with your entire family and then you are ready to be the best employee ever. I can work extra hours tonight, you know. Doesn't matter how much you love your family. I think everybody has a "Time spent" limit. Don't you? And the toys just make it much shorter. I'm absolutely for cap and trade on toys. I think there should be -- and honestly when it comes to Christmas toys, my house looks like Santa's workshop now. I boug ht my kids three. Now there's toys everywhere and there was a big fat guy who came in and ate all the cookies. It's the relatives that do it to you. You think I'm dumb enough to give my 4-year-old a toy that makes a constant annoying noise? I swear to you, one of the relatives got the, what is it, the Einstein -- what is that stupid cartoon?
DAN: The little Einsteins, Glenn. Leo, June and the whole gang. I know it well, unfortunately.
GLENN: Dan's our in-studio producer who is currently for some reason building a newer model child.
GLENN: Have you seen the little spaceship that they have?
DAN: Yes. Rocket.
GLENN: Whatever. Have you seen the toy that they make? It's got like a billion pieces and plays a song and makes sounds.
DAN: No, I have not seen that.
GLENN: Stop with the sounds! Stop with the sounds, or put a strategically placed button that can only be accessed by a very small Phillips screwdriver so little kids can't figure it out. Put an off switch on the damn thing! I'm not stupid enough to -- I see anything that says "Push me," when you go into the toy store, "Push me." If it makes a sound, I put it back on shelf. But relatives, oh, I think they all think, "Ah, I know how to get Glenn." So I spent the better part of all of Christmas week just trying to dismantle and subtly lose toys. "What happened to that toy? Where did you put that toy?" I'm not going to be able to get a good price on them later in life because they are going to be so damaged because they are going to think they lost all their cool toys when they were kids. They didn't lose them. Kids, I'm hidin' them. I'm giving them away when you're not looking. Some of them I'm putting directly in the garbage can.
So I spend a week just trying to get the house back to quiet. What happens? We have a New Year's Eve party, the kids are there. My wife decides to get, you know, the little hats and stuff. In the bag -- and I didn't even see this one coming -- in the bag are the stupid noise-makers. Honey, what are you doing? Now, because this is the way it always is, you can buy your kid a $5,000 toy. They don't play with that one. They play with the one that's not even really a toy.
So now since New Year's Eve, I've been trying to wreck the inside of the, you know, thing that you blow up and it uncurls and has a feather? What do you call those things besides annoying and loud, especially when in the hands of a 4-year-old? I swear to you I was -- a lot of the toys I was just thinking about just wrapping in bacon and saying, "Hey, Victor." You know, get my big German Shepherd. I ended up eating the bacon. So now my house is noisier than ever. Jeez.
"Why not just throw the toys away? Why not just tell them to give..." uh-huh, how many toys did you have to do that to? Am I alone?
Dan, did you have to hide toys from your kids?
DAN: For you mean like before Christmas Day?
GLENN: No, after.
DAN: Yes. Actually this is the first year we did. My daughter's 3.
DAN: Uh-huh. It only gets worse. It only gets worse.
DAN: Thank you. Thank you for that optimism.
GLENN: Next thing they get iPods and cell phones and boyfriends. It only gets worse. I've got three of my daughters' boyfriends hidden in the basement. I probably shouldn't admit that on the air, but --
DAN: No, not a good idea.
GLENN: I mean, jeez. I don't know why -- you know what? You want to sell more toys? Make them quiet. That's what you do. Make them quiet. I know kids like the flashy things, but parents don't. And then we should -- you know, here's a government proposal that I would support. You can't allow grandparents to buy any toys because the worst toys are always purchased by the grandparents. Every time this year, this time of year every single year, I come back and I hate my parents because you know what they're doing. They are just standing there in the store and they're looking at the toys. They don't know what -- they aren't watching any of these shows. Really? They know about the Einstein? What's the name of that stupid show?
DAN: The Little Einsteins, Glenn.
GLENN: Thank you. They know about Little Einsteins? Do they, really? Hmmm. I don't think so. They were standing in the toy section and they were looking for the noisiest toy. That's what they were doing. And then they invite us all over to their house. They've got like 4,000 grandchildren. They are Italians. They're breeding like bunny rabbits. So we've got like 4,000 grandchildren and they give them all the same toy. "Oh, look at that." If that didn't make you want to throw yourself out the window, nothing would. 4,000 kids all with the Baby Einstein, Dan?
DAN: It's The Little Einsteins.
GLENN: Are they owned by the Baby Einstein people?
DAN: I would imagine so, yes.
GLENN: Did Baby Einstein grow up to be Little Einstein? I'd like him to get into the quiet phase -- no, I don't. No, I take that back. Because you know the picture I always think of when I think of Einstein? You think of grown-up Einstein, it will be like Baby Einstein, Little Einstein, grown up Boring Einstein? You know what? That thing, if the toy companies were making it, they would make it so the grandparents would buy it, they would make it next to that stupid chalkboard and the only noise it would make is the chalk scraping against the blackboard. Oh, I know all you toy makers. I know how you think. I'm done. I'm checking out. "Hey, look, kids, Daddy got a bag of rocks, yeah. Why don't you play with that one for a while, hmmm? Hey, look at that. It's a pillow. Oh, you want to hit your sister with a pillow? Yeah, that's why this pillow comes with a stapler. I'm going to staple it to your head." Yeah. Oh, I know. So I've got some children for sale. If anybody's interested, we'll talk later off the air.