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GLENN: The news is absolutely incredible, from the porn industry wanting a bailout which we'll get to in a second, and I don't think you can argue with them -- from the porn industry wanting a bailout to New York now wanting longer coverage for your kids on health insurance. Well, wait a minute, what does that mean? You can keep your kids on your health insurance a longer period of time. Well, that sounds fantastic. Wait a minute, doesn't that already cover through college? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, your kids can stay under Mommy and Daddy's wing until they're 30. Get out of the house, deadbeat! Get a job and get some healthcare! 30, I'm about to snap. And then I read this one, and only in New York: A guy is having trouble with his relationship with his wife and she gets sick and they have been having problems and they're struggling and everything else, but she's sick. Until death do us part. She gets so sick, she needs a kidney. Her husband looks at her and says, "Honey, I've already given you my heart. I'll give you my kidney, too." He donates a kidney to his wife; she gets better and then she cheats on him. And he says, you've got to be kidding me, right? "What? You know how sexy that scar is there? Oh, yes." So now they're in divorce court. And only in the city where it snows up is he saying, "I want my damn kidney back."
Now, as crazy as that sounds, the judge's response was, "We don't think there's a court in the land that would do it." We don't think there's a court in the land that would do it? I mean, you know, possession is 9/10ths of the law. I think when it comes to the kidney, I think you keep the kidney. Stu disagrees with me? She's got to give the kidney back?
STU: You are a guy and you have -- you are a loyal, in a long-term relationship and your wife is nearing death. So you give her, you give her one of your most vital organs and she cheats on you? You get scissors and you pop the thing out.
GLENN: No, wait a minute. Hang on just a second. I didn't know he could take it out himself. I may be on your side.
STU: I'm just sayin'.
GLENN: If legally the judge says, yes, but you have to take it out with this rusty spoon, then I might be on your side. No, look, here's the thing. When you give somebody something, especially a kidney, an organ, you give it to them. For instance, do you loan money to your family?
STU: I do not think that is a good idea.
GLENN: That wasn't the question. Do you loan money to your family?
STU: I'm trying to give you an accurate answer here. I would say no. I never would loan --
GLENN: You never have in nobody's ever asked you for money? You've never loaned money?
STU: I would never --
GLENN: Why are you so -- what have I caught you in?
STU: No, you can't --
GLENN: What kind of made-up scam are you in with your parents? Really, Mom, just invest more.
STU: What happens is I pay my mom and then my children will have to pay me later.
GLENN: Oh, so Uncle Sam, it's you. Okay.
STU: No, I would never -- the bottom line is -- and this is I think, I think this is universal: You never loan money to someone in your family and actually expect it back.
GLENN: Exactly right. Exactly right. If you loan somebody in your family money, you just can't expect it back. They can promise, "I promise," uh-huh, whatever. Because if they don't, then your family life is wrecked with them forever because you are always seething about, "You never paid -- you just went out and you bought what? You've upgraded? You are now eating Alpo when you can eat the generic stuff?"
STU: That doesn't mean they don't pay it back. They should.
GLENN: You've got to let it go and you've just got to give it. When you are giving somebody an organ, see, I have to tell you. If you gave me an organ and then all of a sudden you thought you owned me, you don't even own my kidney.
STU: Whoa, whoa, whoa. That has nothing to do with owning. It's about respecting the vows.
GLENN: How do you know that's not his attitude?
STU: He wants the kidney back. He deserves the kidney back.
GLENN: If they are rich -- and this is the case they are making also is, I want the kidney back or I want the money. "
GLENN: And you could make the case, they valued the kidney at, what is it, $1.5 million? You could make the -- yeah, $1.5 million. You could make the case that she has to pay you for the kidney.
STU: Legally I don't know that you have a case to reclaim the kidney, I will be honest. But I'm just saying in the real world, if you are that horrible a person that someone will give you one of their vital organs and you will still treat them like trash, you deserve to lose the kidney. He could just, he doesn't even have to use it. He doesn't have to put it back in. He can just put it on his mantel in a little glass box like it's a trophy and I'd be fine with it.
GLENN: It would be. If I got the kidney from my wife who cheated on me, I wouldn't want it back in me. I'd want it on my fireplace. I would. I'd want it on the mantel. I might use it, I might bronze it and use it as a doorstop.
STU: I might just wait until it's completely unusable and then mail it to her just so she -- you can have it; I just don't want it to work.
GLENN: You know what? I've changed my mind. Here's the kidney back. You are right. But see, that wasn't what Jesus would do. But then again, Jesus wasn't married, now, was he? Uh-huh, didn't marry Jesus, did ya? I want the kidney back.